What you must know... as a Christian, as anything, as a human being with faith....

Is that God is right here with you and always has been. You do not need to try so hard. In just the same way that we share our lives with the trees and the moss and the birds, so we share our life with God. That He is, above all things, a Companion.

That there are knots tied inside of you; knots against faith, knots against the freedom of seeing God. Acts you have committed; things your parents taught you, whether they were Christian or not; worldviews and experiences that have shaped you, prejudices, bad tastes in your mouth, things that make you balk and worry and doubt....

And God has given me deft hands to untie the knots. It is what we do -- as pastors, counselors, students of faith -- we untie knots. God brings those to me who I can untie. This does not mean that I must force you to think what I think or know what I know. It means that I must learn your doctrine; what you believe, and what keeps you from seeing God in your life. And by listening, I can minister; I can give you peace. It is not your place to listen to me, but my place to listen to you. By hearing you, I can heal you.

You see... God gave me peace so that I can give it to you. I am not so much someone who talks about faith, but someone who listens with faith. I am always, in each second of the day, in service to God. It is not my job, but my vocation. I take it everywhere with me; into all houses, all churches and temples, all gatherings and all silence. It is not done for recognition; it is just what I am. And yes, I make mistakes. There is no guide book, no instruction manual to become a servant of God; every situation is uniquely its own; every trial is walked blindly, with the heart as a shepherd.

I believe God brings us only the souls that we can heal... and each of us has a different talent, a different method, a different healing voice....

And I know when God brings someone into my life for this purpose... I know because I understand that my duty is to untie knots. It is a humble and thankless task, but we do not work for reward. Save them, God said. Not condemn them. Not enslave them. Not buy them. Save them.The Bible speaks of rewards in Heaven, but honestly, I know nothing of Heaven except for that which I have experienced in my own life, and it has brought so much peace, so much joy, so much courage and patience and happiness.... How could I not give it to you?

And so I say, do not worry or fear judgment, because at your judgment you will have allies, you will have mercy. I will vouch for you as my brother or sister. Do not worry about God's plan for you. Do not think about the end of the world nor the salvation of your family. Worry about your heart and your walk with God, here and now. And if those come to you looking for faith and for God, show them compassion, give them a listening ear, give them love... show them where God fits into their lives... and you will save more souls and become a far greater service to the world.

God has sent away my distractions. I need stillness, time to think, time to listen.

 My job is ending. My writing degree is finished.

There is a crossroad here... and what is life?

Is life what I am expected to do? Is life responsible? Is life the most obvious choice?

Or is life to be governed by chances, by risks, by the improbable?

God has brought opportunity to me. So much opportunity! The difficulty is choosing which one to take. When you ask for something, expect your cup to spill over...

And what would Christ say? Follow me.

I really enjoy being patient. I like the calmness that comes over my heart. I like exercising a sense of peace.

It is healthy to nurture our ability to wait. Being able to wait for someone to understand, wait for a behavior to change, wait for good timing.

I like being patient because I feel like I am serving others. I suppose, in this way, patience is love. When I am tutoring a challenging student and I need to be extra patient, I find a great satisfaction in it, because I am doing it for someone else.

Maybe it is more difficult to be patient when we are selfish. How can we wait for others if we put ourselves first?

Death of Self

“There was a day when I died; died to self, my opinions, preferences, tastes and will; died to the world, its approval or censure; died to the approval or blame even of my brethren or friends; and since then I have studied only to show myself approved unto God." ~ George Mueller

This is not a statement to make lightly.

Mueller speaks of the death of the self. This comes through intense suffering. We don't wake up one day and simply "die to self" because we "want" to.... The self never wants to die.... That is why its death is so painful, why we lose so much over the course of our lives, why it's so hard to let go.

Faith is a constant practice. It must be maintained through a lifetime, just like a good diet or exercise. The death of self might occur... but that doesn't mean that doubt can't slip in again. It is a narrow path.

My prayer when I was younger was for God to let me suffer so others didn't have to. Now I pray for the strength to survive; the strength to shoulder my own suffering, never mind that of my neighbor. Life is a lot harder as an adult than as a child; the faith that was so easy to maintain when I was young and sheltered is now challenged almost daily. It is not challenged by thought, but by action -- am I generous enough, patient enough, caring enough to my fellow man? Or am I becoming like everyone else, terrified, focused only on survival, too tired and frustrated to pay attention. This is a new faith I am learning; a faith that demands action in the real world outside a Church or a book. It must come from the inside, no matter what the circumstances. A faith that must extend to include others; to embrace others as they are, without demanding change or perfection. God didn't make us to be perfect, but He did make us to love.

Giving Love vs Taking Love

And again, you have heard me, and answered.

Thank you, God, for watching out for my family.

A moment of truth: that I want to die for them, everyone. Does that make sense? That in the deepest core of my heart is this eager yearning to sacrifice, to place myself upon an altar. God, I want to give all of myself to you, to them. In some ways, I suppose I already have -- it was an even trade, was it not? My heart for Yours?

I am in love now, I suppose, with a man. We are together; he is a blessing, and people are not made to be alone. But even love distracts from this burning desire in my heart. It is not something that I could ever share, nor have I ever shared, with anyone else. It is my deepest secret, this yearning desire to sacrifice my life for the world. I've never been in this place before, where a relationship is a cold ember compared to the love between me and God. I do not need anyone, though I am happy to share my day with someone else. I am happier now, I feel the ability to move forward, even if I am a different person than I was before. I am still familiarizing myself with all of the changes, all of the ways I have grown, and the spikes and slivers where I am still the same. I am more of myself. I am a new self? I am no one.

With God, I am whole. I am empty, and I am whole. It becomes a duality, it blurs, it is one thing, wholeness and emptiness, like a cup full of light, weightless, filled to the brim. And in love now with a man, I can see the difference, I can recognize God's love as a giving love, a selfless love, unconditional. When we fall in love, infatuation, it is a taking love, a judging love, an evaluating, selfish thing. Love evolves, but this is how we begin, not knowing the difference between taking love and giving love. I see the challenge of marriage: to transform the selfish to the selfless; to understand ourselves and both separate and entwined. It is the journey of the heart; the evolution of the soul. God, you are brilliant. Through our need for one another, we come to know You, even if we do not realize Your work.

Love Letters VI

And where are You, but in my very thoughts and mind?

You are my heart, when it is quiet in prayer.

You are the time I spend on the grass, sitting and watching all that moves around me; never a moment devoid of wonder, when one looks and sees the Spirit.

And in dreams, where I have seen Your art drawn for me, symbols on bleeding hands....

And waking, when I hear your voice the strongest, sweet in the morning, when all is placid as the unbroken surface of a lake... What is Your music, Lord? This endless sound, it is Your name, over and over in my heart, Your name....

And when we sit and write, we are never alone. When we speak and whisper, when I confide to you my dreams and hopes, and laugh, because you are the one who planted them, so of course you must know, but still I must confess, because the heart is treacherous steep....

But God, do I not already know? And though worldly things slip by me, cunning wisdom, sleek words and deft hands... do I not stand by the bed of a dying man, and feel his seconds draining, feel Your peace in the room, and know exactly where he goes? I am blind, but not to Your work, Lord.

And you whisper things, and I hear them.

In sincerity, to a friend....

We can never know ourselves, because the self is impermanent, it is constantly changing, just like our lives, just like our interests and passions. Even those things in us that feel permanent, that seem like lifelong goals or hobbies, are simply impulses of the body.

It is the illusion of a permanent self that causes suffering, because we become too attached to it. It is important to remember that when we die, we take none of this with us, not our hobbies, not our achievements, not even our trauma. We must live every day meditating on death. It is in death that we find freedom; we find the wisdom to live here and now, to appreciate each day for what it is worth, and to forgive the past.

What could have been? Nothing else than what is. The only permanent cure to suffering is forgetting ourselves in our love of others. That's why, in many cases, our children become our saviors. Because in our children, we find unconditional love. Unconditional love allows us to be as we are. By experiencing the unconditional love of another, we are also allowed to practice unconditional love. True freedom can only be found in unconditional love. It makes all suffering sweet.

Recent studies in holistic Psychology are discovering that a better cure for depression is "meaningfulness." People who find more meaning in their lives are found to overcome depression faster and have less relapses. What is meaning? Meaning is found in the things we give away freely. What is the easiest thing to give freely? Love. If you cannot be generous with your money, become generous with yourself. Give your time freely to others. Indulge yourself in their cares and worries. Practice love daily.

What I never told you about my sublime experience is that it was a sacrifice. I gave up myself in the need to know God. When I cried out, "God, I need you!" what I really said was "God, I do not need myself." And in God, the smaller self was destroyed and I was given wholeness, I was given unconditional love. I was given something greater than myself, something that allowed me to create endless meaning in my life... because it was no longer my life, it became Our life. This is why I am able to pass through my suffering unscathed. All things are sacrifice, and all sacrifice has been made to fuel my love. I have found a place in my heart where no matter the storm, I can say, "God, this is for You."

Never wonder who you are. We are what we can do for others. All else is up to God.