I can tell that meeting me is a disappointment to people.
Since I was 12 years old, I've been loudly declaring my experience and talking about the nature of God, but nobody listens. Christians tell me this is the devil's work, while atheists say it's impossible, and everyone in between says, "Well I think you have experienced something," and they go back to their lives. And if I push or repeat myself, they say, "You're sounding overzealous. Are you okay?"
Nobody cares anymore about knowing or understanding God. Everybody thinks they have the answer. Nobody sees. Nobody listens.
Christ could literally walk into a church and declare himself, and be told he's doing the devil's work.
Christ isn't coming. Or, he came and nobody saw him, nobody knew him, because that is the world we live in.
Religion and religious people will not give me authority because I experienced this Enlightenment, this Salvation, outside of religion, therefore invalidating the need for the Bible, while equally validating all religions.
Scientists and atheists will never give me authority because it's an individual experience that cannot be observed using the scientific method. Controls cannot be established. Outcomes cannot be measured. How does one observe the Self--how does one observe the observer? God's presence is at all times around us. It is both matter and the machines measuring matter. How can anything regarding the nature of consciousness be proven using the scientific method?
Yet this experience of Liberation, this Salvation, disproved atheism to me. So atheism has lost its authority.
And because I had this experience outside of religion, religion holds no authority for me.
The only authority I can derive from this experience is the experience itself, and the authority of myself, of the Self. Only my own life, my own knowledge, holds authority for me, and on that alone, I must rely.
It saddens me, because this experience is profound. It is the very heart of our humanity. It should be accepted and celebrated with joy; acknowledged and shared with happiness and gratitude. Instead, every step of my life since my awakening has been treated with ridicule, suspicion, skepticism, and rejection. I have been shamed over and over again for sharing this experience, no matter how much joy it has brought into my life.
This is the world we live in.
Backwards, upside down, completely inverted from Heaven.
So my decision is, I will no longer look for answers in religion, nor derive my authority thereof. I shall no longer seek explanations in science, for science is still young and evolving. I shall no longer seek the validation of my peers, nor derive any authority from their acceptance of me, because no one will accept this experience. Not truly. If they did, they would have it for themselves. And as much as I can, I will try not to feel unworthy. I will try not to blame myself for their disappointment, and realize that nobody can live up to their expectations, not even God.
It's hard not to feel like I've let down God by admitting defeat so early in the game. But surrender to this, I must. I've been trying now to bring this Truth into the world for 21 years and two thirds of my life. I am nobody special. I am not exceptionally smart or talented. I hold no doctorate or special skill. In fact, I am just like you. I don't fit in. I don't belong anywhere. I am unconditionally fit to be alive; this gift handed to me by some compassion of the Universe, no other answers provided to me except for God's ineffable presence, Her Love, which can't even be described in language as we know it.
So to God, I am acceptable to receive this knowledge, yet to the rest of the world, I am a disappointment. I am not seven feet tall with a big, booming voice. I have no super powers. I can't click my fingers and turn off lights. I don't see ghosts; I can't walk on water; I sit in traffic with everyone else on the freeway; I've had my fair share of bad days, hardships, heartaches, grief, parking tickets, sports injuries, and friendships gone awry. Nowhere in me exists perfection except for, perhaps, my ability to love, and retain an open heart despite how painful this life can be. I am an average person. It took me 6 years to finish my Bachelor's degree. I never learned Calculus. I don't have a license in Social Work or Ministry. I failed my driving test 3 times when I was 16.
I'm just a human being fumbling through this life as a Child of God. My only super power is turning a negative into a positive. I have cried every step of the way, trying to do my best, every day, to live an authentic life. I have given up many, many times. But somehow, I am still alive, and so I guess that means I am still trying, despite my many failures.
I could tell you exactly who and what God is, what is the nature of your soul, but you wouldn't believe me, so why try?
But oh, dear reader, I will always come back to this, for how can't I speak of my most beloved?
I guess I will just continue to practice Love in all of my ways. And do, as best as I can, whatever I can, to ease people's suffering, and not add to the disease of hatred in this world. I will trust first in God, the wild and fierce God of my heart, not in a religion. After God, I will trust in myself, and try not to concern myself with convincing anyone of anything. I will abandon any chance of deriving authority from religion or science, because I received my answer outside of these things, from my own heart. I was given the answer before I even had the questions to ask, and no other philosophy will replace that profound experience of becoming One with the Spirit.
So, lonely wanderer, empty child of faith, now what shall you do? Why not give it all to Me?
We cannot put our faith in our expectations of life. Maybe God has no purpose for me at all, other than living this life with Him. Perhaps it's just His gift to me, and nothing else, given freely out of Love, nothing asked in return. Even if that is so, I shall grieve, because this beautiful, profound Salvation--this deep and soulful spiritual life--will never be acknowledged by anyone besides God, and that truly is the divine joke of our brief existence. What I wish I could celebrate with you, my true birth, my true Self, will never be celebrated, and the joy of sharing this Love with the world will never be realized, and maybe no one will read this journal, and maybe I shall take this message to the grave.
And if I do, it shall be just another divine joke of life, that God came and walked among men, and no one cared to know.
