Witnessing the Spirit

 I am 33 now. When a child, I understood as a child. Now as an adult, I see faith differently, I see my work differently. Thank God I survived my 20's to reach this place. The Spirit has things to teach me and I am being called back to Church.

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Sometimes God hits you upside the head with a 2x4.

This past Easter Sunday, I was visiting my family in Long Beach, CA. I haven't seen my brother since the beginning of the pandemic, since I moved up to Washington State to find peace and tranquility in the mountains. I've been worried about him. My brother is atheist. Unlike me, who turned to God when our mother died when we were kids, my brother shut his heart to God in anger. 

We got into an argument this past Easter. I have changed a lot this past year and a half, living outside of Los Angeles up in the mountains with extended family. My brother and I used to be very enmeshed, since we are close in age and we lost our parents together, and we went through the same trauma. It was hard to know who I was separate from him, and him from me. I was heartbroken to fight with him. But I saw, in our conflict, that he is very different from me. He is callous, without knowing he is callous. He is hardened, without knowing he is hard. He lacks empathy. His values reflect those of Capitalism and California Liberalism -- materialism has taken root in his heart. 

What we argued about is not important. But what I saw--the shocking thing that I saw--is the difference that happens between two children when they grow up, when one has the Spirit, and the other does not. I saw the stark difference between us. And I realized, in sudden grief, what the Spirit is. I realized, in sudden grief, the true difference between us--he has closed his heart to God.

He does not know the Spirit of God. Somehow, because I was saved so young and so strongly and so individually, I thought everyone had that little voice inside, everyone had that intuition. It was simply a matter of not listening closely enough. I did not realize that, if you have closed your heart, then you do not know it. You do not see it. You are an empty creature ruled by your biology. You are blind to God. There is no instinct or intuition to guide you through life. No way to differentiate between good and evil: what will lead you to real happiness, and what is deception.

I realize now that the Holy Spirit has been teaching me all along. Where the Spirit lives, the Heart is different. Healing only comes from God and the Self. 

My brother has been in therapy for almost 10 years and he is not healed from the trauma of being orphaned. Therapy without the Spirit cannot heal. All healing comes from God.

Now I pray for my brother's salvation, understanding in utmost humility that my sin was pride, and that I fought against my faith because I did not want to be persecuted, I wanted to win status and respect among nonbelievers. I was wrong. I am blessed for no other reason than it was God's gift to me. And how am I supposed to lead others into this relationship if I am not strong in my beliefs? How am I supposed to do God's work if I waver in my faith, if I am wishy-washy with the message? It is not enough to simply say "I believe in something." It is not enough to simply say "My church is in nature." To know Truth, you must submit and forget yourself. I will not be able to save my brother, to bring him back to the Spirit, if I do not stand strong as a woman of faith. And always, always pray for them. Let God do the work. Our prayers shall open the Way. Amen.

My Life in Christ - Pandemic 2021

What is necessary for peace? Living life not to fix a problem, but to enjoy a moment. No longer grasping for control, but surrendering to His will and His path. Finally, finally, finally listening to that voice in my heart that told me to go, told me where to go, and I resisted because it seemed so out of reach, so futile, so impractical. But finally, in the midst of the pandemic, I followed. 

I made a decision in April 2020 that I was finished living in Los Angeles, CA. For all of my life, since a child, I yearned to return to the deep forest mysteries of Washington State. I grew up in Marysville, WA before moving to Los Angeles when I was 10, and I never felt like I fully acclimated to the superficial lifestyle. I do not think LA is truly home to anyone; the city is not friend to anyone, and living a spiritual life in such a materialistic culture causes a great sense of friction in the heart and mind. The dissonance causes a deep, listless sense of dissatisfaction in my heart. A depression, an anxiety and a sense of being disconnected from myself--a sense of being lost and confused, my life sewn with doubt. Surrounded by millions of people, the loneliness of the big city is indescribable. The lack of authenticity or genuine connection. The constant distraction of cell phones, cars, ads, construction, traffic, career, networking, go go go. I could feel my body dying, my spirit withering even as it struggled to bloom. 

I always felt that the Entertainment industry was evil, and working in it did not open my mind or make me more tolerant of LA, but only proved to me how soul-killing it could be. Long hours, little gratification, no spiritual reward, no service to our fellow man. A recipe for bitterness and regret.

So I prayed. And when the city went into lockdown due to COVID-19 and curfews were enforced due to rioting, and no one could walk the streets after 8pm, I found myself lying alone on my couch staring at the ceiling. It was dark outside, the room lit by a single low lamp. Washington. The mountains. I could suddenly taste the clean air and feel the presence of the vast forests, the mystic call of the tree voices, of leaves whispering and shade echoing. I felt God's spirit fill my heart. I felt the calling clearly as a bell. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. In this chaos of life, where nothing made sense and nothing was predictable, I craved His peace, and I craved the mountains. God said go. I needed to go.

In a short 2 months, I donated half my furniture, sold a few larger items, fixed up and rented out my house. I left behind the house I had lived in since I was 10 years old. The house where my mother died. The house where my father died. The house I inherited when I turned 20, the year I was orphaned. The house where I found God. I left it behind, and opened a new chapter in the book of my life.

Leaving Los Angeles and the trauma of the last 20 years felt like an alcoholic quitting the bottle. When I first arrived at my family's homestead in the North Cascades of Skagit County, the toxicity pouring out of my body was excruciating. I cried for hours every morning, in the quiet security of the mountains, releasing old pains and trapped thought patterns that had kept me stuck in a cycle of doubt and self-hate. And as I sought refuge in Christ, a new sense of joy began to grow inside of me. It was not the adrenaline rush of overachieving, of winning, of conquering the hardscape of the LA economy; it was not the race of survival. It was not lofty. It was not grandiose. In fact, in the beginning it was very small. It was soft. It was calm. It billowed up inside like a warm and soothing wind. It filled me with gold. It broke open memories of childhood spent with my mother and family that had long been buried by stress and fear. It took me down old country roads and hiking paths. And slowly, without truly noticing, I reconnected with that child I had left behind. I recovered a simple, fierce, unquestionable joy of living where I am happy, living in a place that belongs to me, where my heart feels at home.

God is faithful. He is good. His timing is perfect. He hears our prayers, and He knows our needs, our true needs. Only in Christ could I have healed, could I have had the strength of faith to take a chance and follow the call in my heart. The joy of following the call is truly a gift from Heaven. I am overfilled with a deep, soul-felt satisfaction knowing God has brought me to a place where there is no horror, only beauty. An oasis amidst the chaos of the world. A return to myself after feeling fractured for so long. 

And with that change has come new strength. A sense of purpose and clarity I didn't have before. My life, my faith, my time on earth is non-negotiable. I will not spend it on tasks meaningless to me. I stand strong in my faith and I will do God's work in whatever humble way I can. I will not doubt myself, nor worry about the acceptance of others. I am not for everyone, and I don't want to be. I simply want to be loyal to myself, good to my family, and loyal to God. I have realized, after feeling lost for so long, that a spiritual life is the only life I want to live. It is the only life where I find meaning and true joy. It is the only life where I feel like I am truly myself. It doesn't matter what God's plan is for me. That is a journey we are taking together, a journey where I am blind and He leads, and there is no sense in wondering where we shall go. I am done negotiating with my path. I am done being afraid of rejection, consumed by doubt, intimidated by criticism, or stifled by judgment. I will not be afraid anymore to embrace my faith and live a life that is true to myself.

God has delivered me to the place of my prayers. It is miraculous and joyful to see, that while the world is in chaos, God has brought me to a place of meditation and peace. 

I go now to the mountains. I give myself to the wide, empty spaces of the country. When we live a life equal with the pace of big city society, we do not have time to have a deep relationship with God, or deep relationships of any kind. We need to slow down. As a nation, we desperately need to slow down. But so many follow the pace of society instead of the pace of the Spirit. 

There is so much suffering, fear and confusion sewn by the media, the government, corporations and everything in between. 

For those seeking a spiritual life, a true life, everything is stacked against us. The truth is buried so deep. There is such a risk of this truth being lost. What shall happen to the world if the truth is lost? The only good in the world comes from God. Spirituality is the the wellspring of empathy and the source of compassion. Otherwise, we are simply lost creatures molded into a Capitalist system that wishes us to work endlessly and die. Without our faith, without this essential connection to our humanity, we will fall.

Disconnect your social media.

Turn off your TV and your phone.

Denounce all that distracts from God's calling in your life. That still, small voice is so easily overpowered by modern technology. The push to be "online" has overtaken churches, with pastors and clergy fueled by likes, marketing, materialism and fame. Do not speak to the camera. It doesn't matter how many times social media writes "Connection" and "Community" in their ads. This is not connection. This is not community. Do not be deceived. We are witnessing the decay of the heart of our humanity.

I pray: "Christ, if this path is not intended by God and is the devil's work (the work of the ego), then turn me away and protect me from evil. But if this work is True, if this work is by Your will and the will of God, then Christ, clear my path."

He leads. I follow.

To all of the pull of worldly things -- dig in your feet and do not be moved. Seize peace. Live simply. Be present. Show up for yourself, for others, in person, where you can take their hand, feel their anguish, hear their voices and show them the depth of God's healing grace. This is what connection and community means. Trust God and follow.

19 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

22 “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy,[c] your whole body will be full of light. 23 But if your eyes are unhealthy,[d] your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!

24 “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

Matthew 6:19-24

It is hard to get anything done on earth if we are afraid of suffering. We must let go of that fear.

It is easy to suffer when we do it for a higher purpose, a higher love.

We reach a point when love and suffering become almost the same thing, because real love craves to be selfless, and selfless acts are always sacrifices, always in the attempt to relieve suffering. So by suffering, we are better able to love, better able to sacrifice ourselves, better able to draw close to God and the Spirit that resides within us.

Fear and Perfect Love

"Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love." 1 John 4:18

This passage from John has jumped out at me several times this week, so I figured I would write a few thoughts about it. I like this commentary by the Jamieson-Fausset-Brown Bible:

"Fear has no place in love. Bold confidence (1Jo 4:17), based on love, cannot coexist with fear. Love, which, when perfected, gives bold confidence, casts out fear (compare Heb 2:14, 15). The design of Christ's propitiatory death was to deliver from this bondage of fear."

I do feel that since losing my parents and having to rely solely on God to bring blessings and opportunity to my life, that I have found within myself a bold confidence. A certain fearlessness... one might go so far as to call it recklessness... when it comes to taking worldly action. I am not afraid to rely on faith, or to speak out about God. I am not afraid to take chances, to face the unknown, to tread in that horrible borderland where we feel internally and externally out of control, out of place. I know that where I go, faith goes with me, and it's not something that will ever be lost.

I am not immune to all fear, though... for instance, allowing myself to be vulnerable in friendships and relationships is very difficult, and I am, of course, afraid of the pain of a broken heart.... I am afraid of losing people... not to death, but to life; people who come into my life who give me strength, and who then leave, continuing in whatever direction life takes them. It is a terrifying process, learning to stand on our own, with only our hearts as a guide. I am not there yet. But God's faith is a solid foundation and, stone by stone, I am getting stronger. His perfect love is what builds us.

But I wonder, sometimes, if we are ever truly meant to stand alone.... We are made to need each other, to need God. But to what extent? Is that my spiritual goal -- to be strong and whole, but only when I am alone? To be honest, it does not seem like much of a challenge. I think it is easy for us to feel whole when there is no one around to remind us of our shortcomings, our vulnerabilities and insecurities. But that is not true wholeness, something that hides behind walls like a wounded animal.

No, the wholeness I seek is one that includes others. One that will allow me to overcome my insecurities and anti-social tendencies and embrace people for all of their faults and imperfections. I want God's wholeness, God's perfect love, God's patience and acceptance of all things. I want bold confidence in all things, so that I might be a more loving and generous person. How can I share God's love if I am afraid to share myself openly with others? Where do we draw the line between protecting our hearts and offering our hearts as tools of salvation? It is something that time will have to teach me....

I will finish with this thought from St. Augustine:

"As in sewing, we see the thread passed through by the needle. The needle is first pushed in, but the thread cannot be introduced until the needle is brought out. So fear first occupies the mind, but does not remain permanently, because it entered for the purpose of introducing love." 

You can't earn God's love. You have nothing that He needs that He hasn't already given to you. Focus instead on giving God's love to those who may not feel it so strongly. Love is what marks a believer. Love is what makes a believer. The Word of God is Love.

A walk in the gardens....

Summer has come. I am feeling the thaw.

Every time I have prayed for a man in my life, for someone to love and share my burdens, I received back the answer that "he will choose me." Meaning, he will pick me and pursue me, and I have little control of when or who that will be.

And so, after months and months of desperate longing, I have reached a place of solace, a cottage of sorts, muffled from the world. I am not whole. God knows I will never be... but that is what God wants, and in the sightless way of my own small heart, I have finally stopped looking. I have made peace with loneliness. I have stopped looking for a savior in anyone other than Christ.

I am far from accepting all of the imperfections of the world, but God is showing me how to continue to love the world despite them. Faith is a long journey -- as my 90-year-old grandfather often says, we never stop growing in faith. I am very new to the road.

Did I mention that my Uncle died? My father's only brother, the last of our bloodline. This is God's impeccable timing. We went to Washington to visit my grandparents and I was worried that it would be our last time seeing them, since they are in their 90s, but instead it was my uncle who passed away. We spent the night at his house -- the next day he was gone. His heart stopped with no warning. Despite the shock of the death, I am somehow unsurprised... when I lost my mother at 12, I prayed for God to always give me the chance to say goodbye to those I love. So far that prayer has been answered.

God knows what death is and what it does to us... yet all things that God makes are good, so death must not be such a horrible thing, and the misery it raises in us must be for a higher purpose, something far greater than we can understand. I am as sure of this as I am of my own name. In all the strange contradictions of my person, I, too, am death, and death is alive in me, and we are siblings, he and I.

And finally, finally, I have reached that place of calm summer nights and long sunsets, where I am happy to be alone. Perhaps not always or in every second... God knows we waver as an ocean... but this is a peace I have found deep within myself, and I can return to it as often as I need. God's gardens are a deep walk through the heart. God's happiness is in valuing all things, and most importantly, in seeing what we have... and accepting that it will be taken away....

But what always, always remains is God's magnanimous love, His awe-inspiring presence, His endless grace and the foundations He has laid in my heart. Even in misery, I am in bliss, for I walk with my true Father and the One who will always love me.

The Heart and The Armor

God teaches us to be loving and forgiving. God teaches us to be selfless, humble, and sincere. God teaches us to "treat others as we wish to be treated."

But anyone who lives in the real world knows that there are times when sweet-talk just doesn't work. When being the "nice guy" doesn't help anyone. Keeping an open, loving heart doesn't stop us from being trampled by those who are selfish, mean or spiteful. In fact, being a loving child of God is often cause for more pain from shallow insensitivity, more suffering than immediate reward.

Many people who do God's work have very sensitive hearts. They are sensitive to the suffering of others, which is what compels them to act. They are sensitive to the repercussions of harsh words, because often they feel the harshness of others far too keenly. However, something that God has taught me over time is that love does not always mean acquiescing to others. Love does not always mean being the first to cave in a situation. Love does not always mean being a peacemaker.

Let's not forget Christ's words: "Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword."

Christ came to teach us not only how to resist evil, but how to conquer it. When I first became a believer, I was very worried about what others thought of me. I was worried about offending people, because in my young mind, offending people was the same as hurting people, and hurting people was against God. But now as I grow older, I can see that sometimes you need to offend people. Sometimes, in order to get people to listen, you have to step on a few toes... or kick a few shins... or full-body tackle someone to the ground.

This is where love comes in. Love is not only meant to be an open door into your heart... it is also meant to be the armor that protects you. Let God's love be your armor. When you strike out to do God's work, don't let the rejection of other's hurt you or cause you any doubt. In fact, let the rejection of others bring you joy, because their rejection is a sure sign that you are being heard. The truth of your faith needs to be heard, especially by those who don't want to hear it.

The fear of hurting others can often stop us from doing God's work, when sometimes what someone really needs is a smack upside the head. It is good to avoid being needlessly callous and belligerent... but if you're feeling like the odd-man out, like the crowd has turned against you, like you have an endless amount of adversity with your peers, stand tall and speak louder. If there are people around you who are being needlessly mean and judgmental, who are straying down the wrong path, who are making selfish mistakes in their lives and disregarding your shining example of truth and faith, don't be afraid to shake them up a little. Bringing people back to the right path is not hurting them. Also, denying things to people and breaking promises is a-okay as long as you are doing it to protect them. If you have to make someone shed a few tears in order to straighten out their lives, then do it. More often than not, people will leave fuming, then come back later with an apologetic insight.

Don't strike out at people because you are personally insulted... strike out at people who you see hurting themselves and others. Be a strong voice and a strong role-model. Don't take sh*t from people who claim to care about you but their actions speak differently. God doesn't want you to abuse yourself. God wants your faith to be as straight and true as a sword, so we can pierce through evil and open the hearts of our fellow man.

How open is your heart?

How strong is your armor?

Now strike out boldly, and don't be afraid of adversity -- speak loudly and with truth, and see what God's Word can do.

Let's just shout it out... God is the love of my life! I have no other name for my faith but faith, and despite all of the books I read, the Churches I attend of the philosophies I study, my faith will always remain faith, and my love of God will always stem from pure, sublime experience. The Bible is a wonderful book... but even if the Bible had never existed, here I would be, and my faith would be the same, and my love for you would be the same, and my partnership with God would remain the same. My faith is not built on a book or a congregation; it is built on life. God is my life. When in loneliness or doubt, it is to His undefinable presence that I turn, and it has always been that way, before I even understood what religion was.  Before I even understood the legacy of saints, bodhisattvas, prophets, and miracle workers who have walked the earth, I prayed in the silence of my childhood to give God's unconditional love to the world.

There need to be more voices in the world that show a powerful alliance to love.

There need to be more strong hands to do the lifting.

There need to be more people willing to allow others to be who they are, to breathe a sigh of relief, to show them that God made them this way because nothing is a mistake, and what keeps us from God are not His labels or His laws, but rather, man's labels and man's laws. We are the cause of suffering. We are evil transitioning into love. We are unconscious rocks, and when we awaken to God's presence in the world, only then may we call ourselves Human. Only then do we become the divine whole.

And our spiritual growth, our journey into the divine, never, ever ends.

"The feeling remains that God is on the journey too." -St. Teresa of Avila

Far be it from me to take your truth from you....

I would consider myself a terrible failure if these writings made even one person doubt their faith. Rather, I would hope that these pages might affirm your truth, no matter where it stems from. I would hope that instead of seeing obstacles, you might find a plethora of light buried in these words, a wide spectrum of love. I would ask that you do not look at the differences between us. Differences are what God made, because God loves to make many countless things. Instead, I would ask you to find what is common; what is permanent between both of us, both of our beliefs, both of our hearts.

If we wanted to unite the world, we could do so right now. Unity has nothing to do with a singular ideology. Unity is in consciousness, in mutual understanding, in reciprocity and respect. If we wanted unity in the world, which some of us very badly do, then the mighty must consent to come down to the weak; the prosperous must bow their heads to the less fortunate; the healers must go out and heal the suffering. Likewise, the weak must not despise the brave; the less fortunate must accept the help of the prosperous; those who are suffering must not blame the healers. We must consent to need each other. We must live beyond ourselves.

It has only ever been the minority who has sacrificed for the greater good. Imagine if it was the majority who moved with a great rush towards love, towards magnanimous action, towards unrivaled generosity. Imagine a world consumed by a love-madness, where all people have a hand to hold, a light to turn on and off, warmth, satisfaction, security. These are things we can give.

I do not know if I will ever be able to give to the world what my heart desires. I do not know if it is by my own limitations, or by God's plan, that I am trapped in my station in life. Perhaps that is my final sacrifice... to let it go, to overcome it. I am far from perfect, I am far from being what God calls me to be....

But I would promise you that a world united is already a reality in my heart: all people, all creeds, all truth. I love all stories of faith, all sacrifice, all meditations and all philosophies, even those that refute God. What is true is true. Ideas are not true. Life is true. Here is true. Now is true.

So when you read these letters... these thoughts, these pages, these murmurs of love... I only ask you to see what is true. I only ask you to see it within me, and to see it within yourself. It is you, dear reader, who is the greatest truth in me, because in you I see a united world; in you I see our greater Self, the most beautiful seed of creation, our loving God and the purpose of my life. I am alive that I might die for you. We are all on a glorious walk into death, into love, into new life... and I would love for you to walk with me....

Romantic Love

Oh believe me, I would grab onto worldly love if I could get my hands on it....

If I could find myself a partner, a mate, a man I could love that somehow echoed the love of the Father, then maybe I wouldn't strive so hard after my own faith. But honestly, when I think of God's purpose for my life and what kind of partner would fit into that picture, I figure it is only someone that God can bring me.

Love is a wonderful distraction. As women, I think we tend to pour all of ourselves into it; culturally, it's what we've been conditioned to do our entire lives. But a large part of these past few years of growth has been the realization of that cultural myth; maybe getting married and having tons of kids isn't what God has planned. Maybe it has nothing to do with it. Maybe there is a reason why so many people like Mother Teresa served God without having a partner in their lives. Am I ready to sacrifice a future family to be a part of God's family?

When thinking these things, I stop to check myself. I don't know anything about the future, and it's senseless to entertain dark thoughts. If I am sacrificing anything for God, it is my whole self, and God will take me exactly to what my heart desires... and what my true heart desires is not worldly love. That is what my "heart of the moment" desires. What my true heart desires... well... to save the world, of course....

God knows everything about our futures. Perhaps I won't live for another three years. Perhaps I will never live to see the effects of my life in the lives of others, or the truth of my faith in the faith of others... God will show me how to wisely use the life I have. I only need to follow.

Following has always been easy.

Please, God. Please take me there.

Unity and Anointing

I pray for them: I pray not for the world. That they may be one, as those, Father, art in me, and I in Thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that Thou hast sent me. And the glory which thou gavest me I have given Thee, that they may be one, even as we are one.

John 17:19, 21-22

If we are to have unity, if we are to have love, if we are to have a world at peace, we must understand that we are all the same.

The suffering that one feels is the suffering of another. The faith one feels is the faith of another. Are we to condemn our brothers and sisters because they do not speak our own words? Because they do not use our own symbols? When a man in China cries out to the darkness, is it not the same darkness that we all cry to? And when he waits breathlessly for a sign, is it not the same sign that we all seek? Do we not all search for a reason, a justification for our lives? Do we all not feel, on some level, that we are unworthy of it?

To unite a world, we must become bigger than ourselves. We must extend ourselves beyond what we think we know. There is no need to conquer, to convert, to convince; however, there is a great need to love. The enemy is not a matter of words or translation; the enemy is wickedness. The enemy is hate, mistrust, and division. The enemy makes us blind and distracts us by creating physical and ideological barriers; as a servant of God, it is my job to tear those barriers down. There is no barrier for unconditional love.

To create peace in the world, we must begin with ourselves. If we do not have peace in our hearts, how can we have peace in our homes? If we cannot have peace in our homes, how do we have peace in our countries? If we do not have peace with our faith, how can we have peace with the faith of another?

God gave me a task when I was 12. When I was 19, the Spirit of the Lord told me that my work would begin following my father's death. When I was 20, my father died. I am an orphan, I am God's child, I am God's friend, I am a servant to the world.

When Jesus came, he said:

The spirit of the Lord is upon me because He has anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted; To proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, To set at liberty those who are oppressed; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord.

I am not Jesus. However, I, too, have an anointing:

The Spirit of the Lord has assigned me the task of strengthening the faith of others, shielding the broken, teaching the ignorant, and destroying the barriers of race, culture, and religion. I am here to bring peace to the world. I am here to live a life of servitude and love. I am here to bring unity.

I know I am not the only one with this anointing. The entire world is moving toward unity. What is the road that God will have me walk? I do not know. However, I know that I am on it because all that the Spirit has promised me has come to pass. I am unsure of how great my part will be. Will I have a violin solo, or shall I be a conductor? Will I be a lonely flutist in the back row? Who knows, perhaps I have already filled my task and I shall die tomorrow. I do not know, but with every breath I feel God's voice in my lungs and I willingly bow my head to the divine. I follow Jesus. I love God. I despise evil. I do God's work. My life is genuine and so is my faith. Let's tear down our barriers today in the name of love. Let's create a united world.

My Faith, and Why

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."

 -Matthew 5:8 

"If then your whole body is flooded with light, and no corner of it is darkness, it will be completely illuminated as when a lamp's rays engulf you." 

 -Luke 11:36

So I always resist writing about this event because I cannot fully explain it.

It has been the defining moment of my short life, and I know, no matter how long I live, that it will always be the most defining moment. You see, you have to understand that I was raised an atheist. There was no religious dogma or ideology in my house. My feeble grasps at God began as ventures into fantasy writing, palm readings, tarot, and a fascination with the arcane. I wanted the unexplainable to be true. But logically, I knew it couldn't be. I knew that ghosts, magic, and psychic powers were all just things of fancy. But I wanted it. Because I was so young, I couldn't identify my longings. I just knew that something was out there, something was missing, my family's explanations of life were logical and yet not fulfilling. I needed to find an answer that was substantial and satisfying.

When I was 10, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. That year, I moved 2000 miles away from her to be raised by my father, who had previously been absent in my life. My parents were not divorced, but because of financial circumstances, my father had to work in Los Angeles, CA while my mother lived in Washington state. The move was a hard one. I had never been separated from my mother before and I missed her sorely. At the same time, I was rejected by the children at my new school because I was shy, androgynous, and didn't know anything about the LA lifestyle.

I was isolated. My mother's cancer ate away at her until she died two years later, when I was 12. By this time, I still identified as atheist, but I had been frantically searching for a meaning in all of the emotional hardship and life changes around me. I knew there had to be an answer, and countless times I had prayed and cried out to God, but never had there been a reply, and I was angry and unconvinced. I sought out religious friends and argued with them until they couldn't stand me anymore. Some still don't speak to me.

When my mother finally died, although it happened 2000 miles away from me, I was awash with guilt. I blamed myself for wasting the time I had had left with her. I also blamed myself for her death, because I hadn't prayed or asked God to save her life (this is a child's logic... but it was also a very real emotion that arose from my heart.) I knew it made no real sense, and yet the guilt ate away at me like a wild thing. I couldn't help but feel like if I had done something different, anything different, I could have saved her.

About three weeks after her death, the guilt and misery reached a breaking point. I was sitting on my bedroom floor attempting to read a fantasy novel that centered around Celtic mythology, and I remember that I couldn't focus. I put the book down. I fell to my knees as a crashing wave of guilt and sorrow swelled through me, and I cried out -- God, I am sorry. God, please forgive me! I need You!

At that moment, a force rushed through me that I could only describe as lightning. I cried out, and a wave of purity blasted through me, so powerful that I couldn't breathe. I opened my eyes, and I could feel love everywhere, the most divine, perfect love that I could ever perceive, so perfect that it was beyond comprehension, beyond name. The force of that love was so strong that it made me feel like I was exploding, like if it was any stronger then I would die from it. Then suddenly I was aware of an overwhelming consciousness, a presence in everything around me, as though I had been swallowed by the most beautiful music.

I looked down at the book, and threw it away from me, for the very thought of fantasy and polytheism suddenly disgusted me. The thought of atheism and man's lonely existence disgusted me. The disgust I felt was beyond physical; it was the knowledge of suddenly seeing God, of feeling God all around me and inside of me, and realizing how very wrong everything was. I stood up and went into my living room, awed by my new eyes, and looked out of my living room window. I was struck a second time by the intense presence of God, because as I looked outside and saw the trees, the grass, the sky, the cement -- I felt an intense connection in everything. God was everywhere. He was in the air, in the water, in the couch beneath me and the lungs I breathed with. Everything was connected. It was connected by perfect, divine love, and it was all in front of me.

That love changed something inside of me. It became me. I was, in every meaning of the word, reborn. My eyes were new, my thoughts were new, the world was new. I sat and breathed God and knew my source, and knew that this love was my most divine purpose; that somehow, I was seeing beyond the physical, and that everything was united and created through love. An overwhelming compassion filled me. I wanted to give this love to others. I wanted to do anything to stop people from suffering. I wanted to serve. I knew that my richest, most rewarding purpose was to serve others, to serve God, and I no longer had a choice. God's love was so powerful inside of me that to act against it made me feel physically ill.

You have to understand that I was only 12. I couldn't put it into words... and who would believe me? It was a strange sensation; I felt like God wanted me to speak, but every time I would try, people's rejection would hurt too much. I was still very sensitive. I told my father that I believed in God, but he brushed it off as a symptom of grief. It would be three years before I told anyone again about my experience. I felt like I had been given a secret, and it was easier to keep it to myself than to suffer through the misunderstandings of others.

At first I thought that everyone who believed in God must have had the same intense awakening as I did (because what else did they believe in, exactly?). It took a long time, but I slowly came to realize that the people around me, even the kinder ones, even the heavily religious ones, were in many ways oblivious to what I continued to see. I grew up in an uncomfortable in-between; knowing God in everything around me and my own heart, yet unable to fold myself into a religious ideology, because I couldn't stand the hypocrisy of most believers. I prayed nightly for God to be my teacher, and show me the truth of the world. I prayed nightly to show the world God's truth. With the fervency of a child, I prayed for God to show me how to heal the world.

I am Christian now, but I can't accept that there is only one way to understand faith. I read the teachings of Christ when I was 16 and I have been baptized since, but I still feel that the purity of my experience with God far surpasses anything else, and I understand that this experience has been written about in all religions. I see the effects of God's presence constantly in my life. In fact, He has made my life. He has created the person I am.

So when I speak of God, please listen, because my faith is genuine. God made me the way I am for a reason. We are all connected. Everything is connected. This journal is not meant to be read as a permanent ultimatum or new doctrine; this journal, rather, is a journey of faith, a documentation of my spiritual growth and understanding of God. I mean this journal to inspire you, whether you are Buddhist, Hindu, Christian, Catholic, or any of the other countless doctrines that exist in the world. This journal is, in fact, my heart, and is written with sincerity and love. I will never hide anything from you; not my doubts, my conflicts, my mistakes or my hiccups of faith. Here I am, I am not perfect, but I am happy to share God with you, because He has given me the gift of writing and the grace of knowing Him, and I would like to share my faith with the world.

I am simply, humbly, reverently defined by God's love, and my only desire is to love you the same way.

"He who experiences the unity of life sees his own Self in all beings, and all beings in his own Self, and looks on everything with an impartial eye." ~Buddha 

"God is LOVE. Whoever lives in LOVE lives in God, and God in him." 1 John 4:16 

 “Unity is divinity; purity is enlightenment." ~Sri Sathya Sai

"The soul can split the sky in two and let the face of God shine through." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay 

"When I saw others straining toward God, I did not understand it, for though I may have had him less than they did, there was no one blocking the way between him and me, and I could reach his heart easily.  It is up to him, after all, to have us, our part consists of almost solely in letting him grasp us."  ~Rainer Maria Rilke

"God is not what you imagine or what you think you understand.  If you understand you have failed."  ~Saint Augustine 

Happy Baptism

God sends me balloons. :)



Received this in my back yard a week before my baptism. It was stuck under a bush near my back fence. It says "Happy Baptism" in Spanish. No one knew I was going to get baptized.

“I do not care to know your various theories about God. What is the use of discussing all the subtle doctrines about the soul? Do good and be good. And this will take you to freedom and to whatever truth there is....”

-The Buddha



Here is truth: God does not care who you profess to, who you bow to, what you follow, for all doctrines are in equal parts right and wrong. What matters is that your actions find their root in kindness and compassion. A kind, selfless man who claims to not love God is a liar, for his actions speak differently, and it is by actions that we see the state of the heart, and it is by actions that we are judged. Don't be satisfied with becoming a member of a group. Become a leader of all people through pure thought, intention, and selfless action. This is the thread of commonality shared by all major world religions. Become selfless. Destroy the ego. Overcome the devil inside of you. Then you are free to know God.

When we serve God, God serves us. My life, and the lives of many others, are testimony to that. It doesn't matter how we understand it. What matters is that we do it.

Those who know God in their hearts also know that there is a dimension to existence that cannot be rationally expressed. There is a knowing that cannot be defined by words. A truth to every experience that is undeniably self evident; a consciousness in the world that pervades and connects everything.

Why are some blind, and why do some see? What stops a person from fully submitting to the experience of God? And what makes a prophet -- simply one who is overly moved by the Spirit, or is there more, is there a greater level of spiritual knowing than what is evident in the lives of so many believers?

There is a difference between belief and knowing.

There is a difference between analyzing and accepting.

The mind is our greatest tool, and our greatest deceiver. It is not by our thoughts that we come to know God, but through our actions. If we could know God by thought alone, it would imply that God exists in our thoughts alone. But that is not true. God exists far less in our minds, and far more in our physical reality, but we do not see it because we are too limited. We are trapped by our concept of man as "master of nature," but man is master of nothing. Man is blind. Seeing God requires that we look past what our minds perceive, and experience God's presence in the deepest chambers of ourselves.

On this day, God wants you to know...

...that there are countless ways to love God. Love God through love for your parents. Love God through love for your spouse. Love God through love for your children. Love God through love for your friends. Love God through love for your country. For God is in all these and much, infinitely, more.

To love God, you must have an attitude of love. An attitude of receptivity and warmth and readiness to receive God's grace. An attitude of giving and generosity and not-holding-back to let God's grace flow through you and on into the world. You know you love God when you feel love flowing through you.

Love is the opposite of logic. Logic is argumentative, aggressive upon the mind, splits the world into right and wrong, us and them. Love is generative, compassionate, embracing all creation. Logic pays attention to what is being said. Love pays attention to how things are said. Logic leads to debate. Love leads to communion. Practice love to be closer to God.

Taken from the "God wants you to know" application on Facebook; my daily message for July 9, 12, and 13, 2010. Reading my mind, again.