I am 33 now. When a child, I understood as a child. Now as an adult, I see faith differently, I see my work differently. Thank God I survived my 20's to reach this place. The Spirit has things to teach me and I am being called back to Church.
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Sometimes God hits you upside the head with a 2x4.
This past Easter Sunday, I was visiting my family in Long Beach, CA. I haven't seen my brother since the beginning of the pandemic, since I moved up to Washington State to find peace and tranquility in the mountains. I've been worried about him. My brother is atheist. Unlike me, who turned to God when our mother died when we were kids, my brother shut his heart to God in anger.
We got into an argument this past Easter. I have changed a lot this past year and a half, living outside of Los Angeles up in the mountains with extended family. My brother and I used to be very enmeshed, since we are close in age and we lost our parents together, and we went through the same trauma. It was hard to know who I was separate from him, and him from me. I was heartbroken to fight with him. But I saw, in our conflict, that he is very different from me. He is callous, without knowing he is callous. He is hardened, without knowing he is hard. He lacks empathy. His values reflect those of Capitalism and California Liberalism -- materialism has taken root in his heart.
What we argued about is not important. But what I saw--the shocking thing that I saw--is the difference that happens between two children when they grow up, when one has the Spirit, and the other does not. I saw the stark difference between us. And I realized, in sudden grief, what the Spirit is. I realized, in sudden grief, the true difference between us--he has closed his heart to God.
He does not know the Spirit of God. Somehow, because I was saved so young and so strongly and so individually, I thought everyone had that little voice inside, everyone had that intuition. It was simply a matter of not listening closely enough. I did not realize that, if you have closed your heart, then you do not know it. You do not see it. You are an empty creature ruled by your biology. You are blind to God. There is no instinct or intuition to guide you through life. No way to differentiate between good and evil: what will lead you to real happiness, and what is deception.
I realize now that the Holy Spirit has been teaching me all along. Where the Spirit lives, the Heart is different. Healing only comes from God and the Self.
My brother has been in therapy for almost 10 years and he is not healed from the trauma of being orphaned. Therapy without the Spirit cannot heal. All healing comes from God.
Now I pray for my brother's salvation, understanding in utmost humility that my sin was pride, and that I fought against my faith because I did not want to be persecuted, I wanted to win status and respect among nonbelievers. I was wrong. I am blessed for no other reason than it was God's gift to me. And how am I supposed to lead others into this relationship if I am not strong in my beliefs? How am I supposed to do God's work if I waver in my faith, if I am wishy-washy with the message? It is not enough to simply say "I believe in something." It is not enough to simply say "My church is in nature." To know Truth, you must submit and forget yourself. I will not be able to save my brother, to bring him back to the Spirit, if I do not stand strong as a woman of faith. And always, always pray for them. Let God do the work. Our prayers shall open the Way. Amen.
