The Spirit has been calling me to go back to Church, but I feel like I've been in a loop. Something about Christianity is not getting me to where I need to be. I have submitted to God, I have prayed, I have written, but I feel like there is more. My beloved Aunt Karen gave me who daily devotionals and a study guide to read through the Bible. We share a deep spiritual connection. I want to be closer to God. But religion has always been difficult to me, because I see Truth in so many practices. I don't need a savior or a doctrine; I need a practice that will clarify God's call to me, so I can hear Him better. I can feel The Spirit calling me forward to more. A closer relationship. Closer. Come closer to me. I Want You. Be In Love with Me. Be One with Me.
I want to go into the deep Washington forests with my journal, in the silence and solitude, and look upon nature, and look upon God's spirit. I want to be alone for a few weeks, sit at the base of a tree and meditate. Meditate. I feel this craving in my body. I need to do it. I haven't meditated since I was 25. Meditate, and open my spirit to God, and grow like the tree in my vision.
I am conflicted, because I'm being called to meditate specifically, but most Christian churches only worship and pray. I don't want to meditate in a casual group, without a spiritual leader. I want to learn to meditate from the source, from the roots of the practice. I need a teacher. I feel like it is time for me to write my book. But I feel like all the knowledge is jumbled up inside of me, and the Higher Voice is unpredictable, when it comes to me, when it's quiet. Perhaps meditation will clarify the voice; allow it to break through the conscious mind more clearly. I must write this book for all people, all souls. It must be perfect. It cannot be used to turn anyone against anyone else. It must be Perfect. And to make it Perfect, I must Listen better.
I am engaged to a wonderful man, who is agnostic, but I admire his actions more than his words. I've never met anyone who treats people so well. His motto is, "Treat others the way you want to be treated," and he lives it. He is humble; he is hardworking but not rich. He is patient and easygoing. He is not controlling, but rather, supportive and encouraging. He reminds me of my dad in his kindness and compassion for people. He never hurts anyone; he won't even hurt spiders, but removes them from the house for his garden. He serves in his actions, even if he doesn't understand spiritually what he is doing. I have a great sense of peace around him. His love has strengthened me and given me confidence in a worldly way, because we are made for relationships, and I am no longer alone in life. Particularly as a woman, I love having my family and friends close around me. I need them as much as they need me.
I truly feel like, although Jacob and I have differing beliefs, our souls are the same. The values by which we live are the same, our acts are the same. The difference being that I have a relationship with God; I act for a Higher Self. Jacob acts for himself. But in the eyes of the Spirit, they are one and the same. He doesn't see the Spirit's connection, while I do. This is the only difference between us. What he does, he does blindly, and he is all the more blessed for it.
I told him about my spiritual experience, my lifetime of seeking answers, and what I am being called now to do with my journal. I told him my fears. What if all the religions hate me? What if I am persecuted? What if I am mocked and even killed? (All of these fears are in me, but you must understand.... The reason why I am proceeding is because, although I have doubt, although I am afraid, I am more afraid of failing Her, of failing my Highest Self and the Spirit and God, which are One in me. I cannot allow myself to die without bringing this to pass. I must act now. I must follow Her. I feel it as a fire in my bones.)
I braced myself for his judgment. I braced myself for him to debate me, or try to overrule me, or dominate me, as men often do.
Instead, he lovingly told me, "Anyone who wants to hurt you for sharing your spiritual experiences will have to come through me. And I'm a pretty big guy." (He's 6'6"!)
"So you don't hate me? You don't want to leave me for my faith?" I said, shocked. Because I am used to having to hide my spirituality from agnostics and atheists.
"Why would I ever hate someone for having a personal spirituality? For having real experiences that matter to you?"
I cried. It's like he plucked the words from my heart. I can't believe how I have been blessed with this man. He has no ego. Sometimes he says things that are the very Word of God, and he has never read the Bible. But I should really stop being surprised by this. He is Me, after all. We are the same Spirit. It's the Self speaking back to me in a hundred voices: a million echoes of Love. All of us are an echo of Her Love.
So I asked him, "Where should I start?"
And he said, "Why not go to different Churches and speak to a spiritual authority on the matter? Share your experience with them and see what they say. If you like what they say, go to that Church. And I'll go with you, even if it's not really my thing. I want to support you."
I was speechless. He put words to the task I knew I had to do, but was scared to do, because I have been struggling alone with this burden. I need others to help me lift it. And I didn't have to do it all alone. He is truly my soulmate.
I jumped online and started searching for different churches in my area. Something unusual caught my eye that I didn't expect: The Vedanta Society in Arlington. I have always been interested in Eastern religions since my experience with the monks at a fish saving event back in 2010. I remember sitting at the table with the Tibetan Buddhist monks, and although I tried to ask them questions, I couldn't speak, because the power of Connection and God were so strong among all of us sitting at the table, that I could only be silent and feel it. The connection was there among them. So I know there is Truth in Buddhism. I've read the teachings of the Buddha, and the story of Siddhartha, and I started to wonder, perhaps this is the other missing piece of the puzzle that I need to complete my spiritual journey.
I reached out to them to speak with a spiritual authority of their practice. It was a wonderful conversation. I shared my spiritual experiences, and expressed my desire to learn to meditate, and I was invited to a Friday night meditation session where I will be taught specifically how to meditate. I am very happy about this! Leaving the Vedanta Society, I smiled and laughed the whole way home, filled with joy of the Spirit. I felt peace and joy and happiness unlike I've felt in years.
Upon leaving, my new brother took my hands and said, "This has been a very healing experience for you. The next few days will be very healing for you."
But wait, it doesn't end there.
When I got home, I was very tired and started to feel sick, as though I had a cold. I went to bed at 6pm, so exhausted I could barely keep my eyes open. All night, I dreamed of Her. I dreamed of the Self speaking to me, and whenever I awoke, I felt intense prickles of energy moving through my brain, accumulating at the top of my head. I felt like God was growing tree branches through my brain to the crown of my head. It wasn't painful, and reminded me of the healing I received after Rapid Resolution Therapy. At one point, I woke up in the middle of the night, and the Higher Voice spoke through my mind, clear as a bell: "Now God will finish the work He's began." Then I fell back asleep, and all night, all night, the Spirit spoke to me, She spoke to me through the images of family and old friends, and though I can't remember the conversations now that I am awake, I felt the forest growing in my brain, up toward the top of my skull. Many times, I woke up laughing.
Today, I have been laughing and laughing. Crying and laughing. And I am happy. I am happier than I've been in years. I feel as though my mind is bright and clear. My focus is sharp. The Spirit is speaking to me. We are happy to do the work. We are happy. We are overjoyed. We are home.
