And again, you have heard me, and answered.
Thank you, God, for watching out for my family.
A moment of truth: that I want to die for them, everyone. Does that make sense? That in the deepest core of my heart is this eager yearning to sacrifice, to place myself upon an altar. God, I want to give all of myself to you, to them. In some ways, I suppose I already have -- it was an even trade, was it not? My heart for Yours?
I am in love now, I suppose, with a man. We are together; he is a blessing, and people are not made to be alone. But even love distracts from this burning desire in my heart. It is not something that I could ever share, nor have I ever shared, with anyone else. It is my deepest secret, this yearning desire to sacrifice my life for the world. I've never been in this place before, where a relationship is a cold ember compared to the love between me and God. I do not need anyone, though I am happy to share my day with someone else. I am happier now, I feel the ability to move forward, even if I am a different person than I was before. I am still familiarizing myself with all of the changes, all of the ways I have grown, and the spikes and slivers where I am still the same. I am more of myself. I am a new self? I am no one.
With God, I am whole. I am empty, and I am whole. It becomes a duality, it blurs, it is one thing, wholeness and emptiness, like a cup full of light, weightless, filled to the brim. And in love now with a man, I can see the difference, I can recognize God's love as a giving love, a selfless love, unconditional. When we fall in love, infatuation, it is a taking love, a judging love, an evaluating, selfish thing. Love evolves, but this is how we begin, not knowing the difference between taking love and giving love. I see the challenge of marriage: to transform the selfish to the selfless; to understand ourselves and both separate and entwined. It is the journey of the heart; the evolution of the soul. God, you are brilliant. Through our need for one another, we come to know You, even if we do not realize Your work.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
Love Letters VI
And where are You, but in my very thoughts and mind?
You are my heart, when it is quiet in prayer.
You are the time I spend on the grass, sitting and watching all that moves around me; never a moment devoid of wonder, when one looks and sees the Spirit.
And in dreams, where I have seen Your art drawn for me, symbols on bleeding hands....
And waking, when I hear your voice the strongest, sweet in the morning, when all is placid as the unbroken surface of a lake... What is Your music, Lord? This endless sound, it is Your name, over and over in my heart, Your name....
And when we sit and write, we are never alone. When we speak and whisper, when I confide to you my dreams and hopes, and laugh, because you are the one who planted them, so of course you must know, but still I must confess, because the heart is treacherous steep....
But God, do I not already know? And though worldly things slip by me, cunning wisdom, sleek words and deft hands... do I not stand by the bed of a dying man, and feel his seconds draining, feel Your peace in the room, and know exactly where he goes? I am blind, but not to Your work, Lord.
And you whisper things, and I hear them.
You are my heart, when it is quiet in prayer.
You are the time I spend on the grass, sitting and watching all that moves around me; never a moment devoid of wonder, when one looks and sees the Spirit.
And in dreams, where I have seen Your art drawn for me, symbols on bleeding hands....
And waking, when I hear your voice the strongest, sweet in the morning, when all is placid as the unbroken surface of a lake... What is Your music, Lord? This endless sound, it is Your name, over and over in my heart, Your name....
And when we sit and write, we are never alone. When we speak and whisper, when I confide to you my dreams and hopes, and laugh, because you are the one who planted them, so of course you must know, but still I must confess, because the heart is treacherous steep....
But God, do I not already know? And though worldly things slip by me, cunning wisdom, sleek words and deft hands... do I not stand by the bed of a dying man, and feel his seconds draining, feel Your peace in the room, and know exactly where he goes? I am blind, but not to Your work, Lord.
And you whisper things, and I hear them.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
In sincerity, to a friend....
We can never know ourselves, because the self is impermanent, it is constantly changing, just like our lives, just like our interests and passions. Even those things in us that feel permanent, that seem like lifelong goals or hobbies, are simply impulses of the body.
It is the illusion of a permanent self that causes suffering, because we become too attached to it. It is important to remember that when we die, we take none of this with us, not our hobbies, not our achievements, not even our trauma. We must live every day meditating on death. It is in death that we find freedom; we find the wisdom to live here and now, to appreciate each day for what it is worth, and to forgive the past.
What could have been? Nothing else than what is. The only permanent cure to suffering is forgetting ourselves in our love of others. That's why, in many cases, our children become our saviors. Because in our children, we find unconditional love. Unconditional love allows us to be as we are. By experiencing the unconditional love of another, we are also allowed to practice unconditional love. True freedom can only be found in unconditional love. It makes all suffering sweet.
Recent studies in holistic Psychology are discovering that a better cure for depression is "meaningfulness." People who find more meaning in their lives are found to overcome depression faster and have less relapses. What is meaning? Meaning is found in the things we give away freely. What is the easiest thing to give freely? Love. If you cannot be generous with your money, become generous with yourself. Give your time freely to others. Indulge yourself in their cares and worries. Practice love daily.
What I never told you about my sublime experience is that it was a sacrifice. I gave up myself in the need to know God. When I cried out, "God, I need you!" what I really said was "God, I do not need myself." And in God, the smaller self was destroyed and I was given wholeness, I was given unconditional love. I was given something greater than myself, something that allowed me to create endless meaning in my life... because it was no longer my life, it became Our life. This is why I am able to pass through my suffering unscathed. All things are sacrifice, and all sacrifice has been made to fuel my love. I have found a place in my heart where no matter the storm, I can say, "God, this is for You."
Never wonder who you are. We are what we can do for others. All else is up to God.
It is the illusion of a permanent self that causes suffering, because we become too attached to it. It is important to remember that when we die, we take none of this with us, not our hobbies, not our achievements, not even our trauma. We must live every day meditating on death. It is in death that we find freedom; we find the wisdom to live here and now, to appreciate each day for what it is worth, and to forgive the past.
What could have been? Nothing else than what is. The only permanent cure to suffering is forgetting ourselves in our love of others. That's why, in many cases, our children become our saviors. Because in our children, we find unconditional love. Unconditional love allows us to be as we are. By experiencing the unconditional love of another, we are also allowed to practice unconditional love. True freedom can only be found in unconditional love. It makes all suffering sweet.
Recent studies in holistic Psychology are discovering that a better cure for depression is "meaningfulness." People who find more meaning in their lives are found to overcome depression faster and have less relapses. What is meaning? Meaning is found in the things we give away freely. What is the easiest thing to give freely? Love. If you cannot be generous with your money, become generous with yourself. Give your time freely to others. Indulge yourself in their cares and worries. Practice love daily.
What I never told you about my sublime experience is that it was a sacrifice. I gave up myself in the need to know God. When I cried out, "God, I need you!" what I really said was "God, I do not need myself." And in God, the smaller self was destroyed and I was given wholeness, I was given unconditional love. I was given something greater than myself, something that allowed me to create endless meaning in my life... because it was no longer my life, it became Our life. This is why I am able to pass through my suffering unscathed. All things are sacrifice, and all sacrifice has been made to fuel my love. I have found a place in my heart where no matter the storm, I can say, "God, this is for You."
Never wonder who you are. We are what we can do for others. All else is up to God.
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