Saturday, November 28, 2009

Friday, November 20, 2009

We must take the time in life to notice things. My father told me when I was younger to always observe everything around you. To really take the time and see -- see the way the wind goes through the leaves, how the branches sprout from a trunk, how each green is a slightly different shade of green. When we notice these things, we come to value them. When we value them, we find that they make us happy. Happiness is priceless.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

"Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways."

Now is the only time we have to change.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Why would I ever want what someone else has? I can never have what another has, because I am not that person, I am only myself, and what I value is not what others value, and my riches are not another's riches....

Sunday, November 1, 2009


What does it mean to feel inferior?

To feel inferior is not the same as recognizing that one is as good or bad at something as another. To feel inferior, one must nod one's head and say "Yes, that person is better than me, and therefore more worthy." You must be comparing yourself to others in the first place, when really, there is nothing to compare. As we go about our day to day existence, we are constantly seeing other people and subconsciously comparing ourselves to them -- our self-perceived faults and imperfections against theirs. But there is a key word here: self-perceived. Also, it is impossible to tell if a person is also looking at us and feeling inferior; the very person who is making us feel bad (just by existing, mind you), may also be feeling bad because of us. Silly, isn't it?

And what does "being the best" even gain us? It is just another trick of the ego and mind. Being the best means being recognized by those who are less than you, and in all truth, I would hate for anyone to feel less than me. I would hate for anyone to look at me, then look at themselves and think -- "She is so much better than me. I am worthless." Instead, I would like others to look upon me and think "I think she is amazing, and she loves me -- so what does that make me?" Something special, unique, and strong. When I see people, I do not see their faults; I see their potential. Likewise, I should look at myself and see only my potential. There is no need to feel inferior to anyone, because inferiority is ultimately just as illusory as superiority. We are all here, equally part of existence. The experience of that equality is love. To truly believe we are equal, we must love everyone, even ourselves, and remove ourselves from the pulls of the ego, of our draw to labeling ourselves either better or worse, inferior or superior, good or bad.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Meditations on Impermanence

Yesterday is done. Today is now. Tomorrow is nonexistent.

How will I live my last day on earth?

Will I be annoyed at all the small things that aren't worth my attention, or will I live every second striving to be happy, to be thankful for this day and all it has to offer? To receive opportunity, we must be present here and now. I must think to the root of all of my annoyances and understand them; why they bother me and how. Buddhism teaches us that most annoyances stem from attachments, as do most thoughts, and the way to truly be closer to God (or our "Buddha nature") is to remove ourselves from these worldly attachments, because most of what we experience is a dream. And it IS a dream, because sooner or later, it ends. True reality never ends.

I wake up every morning and contemplate death. I force my mind into the idea that tonight there is a hidden deadline, at 9:27pm I will be hit by a drunk driver, or a tree might fall on me, or I will have an unforeseen heart attack and die. I prepare myself; I think, how will I live this last day? Will I eat my breakfast inside at a table, or will I take it outside and eat on the grass? Will I drive to work stressed out, or will I float along and enjoy it, knowing that even if I'm late, it doesn't matter because tonight I am going to die? If this fly is annoying me, do I want to kill it, knowing its life is as precious as mine, and I will die tonight anyway -- so why take another life with me? This doesn't mean relinquishing responsibility. In fact, if this was my last day to live, I would want to live honorably, doing everything exactly the way I have always wanted to do it -- with maturity, responsibility, and compassion. And yet everything becomes easier and more meaningful once one releases the idea of tomorrow and realizes that tomorrow is actually an illusion. In fact, in the face of death, all of the rules we live by are an illusion. Yesterday I walked right through a group of students and sat down with their Lamas, because I knew that in the face of my dying tonight, it did not matter whether or not I gave them the "awe" and "respect" they have somehow earned. And in the face of god, what have they earned, exactly? We are all equals, for we all die, and I love them and love this world in an unrivaled way that is beyond explanation. Bury your suffering in me; I will heal it.

I do not know how I came to be here, or who I was before -- but I know what I am here to do, and by living every day as a reality, as a precious day that IS my last, I will not fail or falter in my task.

Monday, October 26, 2009

There is happiness and fulfillment in every experience once we know that all things bring us to God. Once on the path, we are propelled forward at our own pace, but always forward, into the embrace of Love. May unity be our greatest destiny, though even unified, we will continue to come to this place and every realm of existence to watch, to love, and to serve. I, as a thought-entity, shall never end, and never will my love of you, and compassion for your suffering.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Spirituality for the Intellectual

Depression is a state of mind brought on by doubt, change, and the inability to adapt new structures of thought to an evolving reality. Nature is a reality that is in a continual and constant state of change. We can no more grasp a thought as we can grasp the air outside – everything moves, slips through our fingers, and eventually dissolves into something else. Even the concepts we live by and use to define our reality are only permanent in our minds – it is only in the space of a thought that we can vaguely grasp what it means to be unmoving, unchanging, and infinite. But even then, we are constantly reevaluating the meaning and application of those ideals by which we live our lives. In these cases, depression is brought on by a well-ingrained tendency to hold tightly to those pillars we built our lives upon, and a rejection of our new realities when we are faced by them.

Here, whether we caused the demise of our old, comfortable realities or not is unimportant. What we must consider is, in the sudden face that tomorrow may never come, how am I living this moment? A moment, in and of itself, is difficult to define. But in this current thought-space, what am I perceiving? What is my reality? Whose structures am I living by – my own, or another's? Are my values helping me, or hurting me? If I am a logical person and find difficulty in accepting a spiritual explanation for the hardships around me, is that mindset beneficial over the course of my existence? Is my world view correct, and why does it matter? What if it isn't? What am I afraid of?

The deepest fear of those who are drawn to (yet resist) a spiritual path is the fear of failure – the fear that after taking a blind leap into the logical unknown, there will be nothing to land on. For the intellectual, one finds oneself constantly hovering between one explanation and the next, deciding our realities purely based upon what pieces of the puzzle we can connect. However, no matter what we can logically justify to ourselves, and no matter how safe it is to believe that beyond this existence, there is nothing, it does little to change the moments by which we live, think, and experience. We must consider – when I am dead, will it matter that my understanding of reality was correct or not? In the end, it did not save me from dying, nor did it save anyone else. I am trying to differentiate between our need to logically conceptualize our existence and our reality of having to live it. Living is different than thinking. Although the two are inherently connected, we must acknowledge that they are fundamentally different. I can think many things over the course of my day, but it does not keep me from having a stressful job, an unfulfilling relationship, or a destructive addiction. Here is where logic fails the task to which we assign it. Logic saves us from nothing, and in the end, offers only questions and endless answers, to which we ask more questions. To know a truth, one must live by it – otherwise we are trapped in an endless cycle of conceptualized (un)reality rather than genuine existence. Just to have this life is an opportunity that we cannot waste. Existence ends very quickly and suddenly. Seeing as all things are destined to end once they begin, we can also reason that all things have ended before they've even come into being. We are living by a clock, and we haven't a moment to lose.

It is difficult to put all of one's heart into something that one has not tried or tested for oneself, but the only way to really begin a spiritual path is to do so blindly. Logic cannot take us down every road, because the mind is limited by its very nature – that of ingrained values and a firm resistance to change. Inevitably, an intellectual reaches a point at which all logic is exhausted, and it is time to try something new; it is here that we must stop ourselves and ask – what is so wrong about living spiritually? Why resist, when a spiritual life eventually goes hand in hand with logic (once we have adjusted our minds), and brings so much more fulfillment? Our mind can define spirituality in many countless ways, label it mysticism, dogma, philosophy, etc, but in the end, we must remember that all labels and definitions are man-made. The truth of our reality is that it was here before we were. The boundaries and structures of our world are created by minds that, in the end, are a product of a greater cyclical existence. There is safety in a definition; a definition limits something, creates a mental shape and flavor, and gives us the illusion of control over it. If one can name a creature or concept, then that makes one lord and master over it, correct? Perhaps, except when we take into consideration that everything ends, everything eventually destroys itself, and so really one is lord and master over nothing but one's own illusion.

Once we reach an understanding that reality is beyond our definition and control, and no logical cat-and-mouse is going to change that, then a certain sense of freedom arises. Instead of relying on our minds to conceptualize reality, or stressing ourselves over contradictions and feeling “eaten alive” by our own thoughts, we can begin living. The means by which we can live in ease, peace, and comfort is through kindness, both to ourselves and others. Kindness, by its very nature, is all-inclusive and encompasses everyone touched by it, both the source (ourselves), and those it is directed at. An intellectual has the habit of questioning everything – what is kindness? Is kindness real? Isn't kindness also inherently selfish, benefiting oneself along with others? Therefore, is there no such thing as true kindness? Again, logic has deceived you. Our perception of kindness is based on our definition of it. We must stop looking at the definition of kindness and more at the effects it has on the world around us. Who cares if kindness is ultimately selfish or not? Kindness -- meaning, the true selfless giving of oneself and care for others -- is something that can never be selfish. It is a good thing that kindness effects ourselves as well as others; otherwise it would be impossible to be kind, and everyone would suffer for it.

I will not continue past this idea since this article is already long enough, but I do feel the need to restate that it is not so important how we understand the world as how we live it. It is easy to get caught up thinking many things and then lead a life that is ultimately selfish, shallow, and mundane. It is also easy to get caught up in the idea that how we live is somehow “spiritual enough.” A spiritual life is a life of endless striving towards the betterment of oneself and others. Betterment – not, necessarily, knowledge, though knowledge can help if we have the discipline to apply it to our lives. It is through practice, discipline, and ultimately kindness that we find any permanent answers about life and existence. So, my intellectual friends, please be conscious of what you think and do, and the connections (or lack) thereof.

I will give you your first truth: you will die tomorrow. Now what?

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Dear God....

Dad's dead. We are at risk of losing our house.

Change is imminent, either way. I'm afraid that I'll never recover from this, that I'm shattered for good now, that nothing is going to come of this but suffering and misery and I will die with nothing, with no lessons, no love, and no hope.

 I don't understand anything anymore. What is the pay off? That here I am, being beaten into the ground so that some day I can experience an even higher joy? Sounds to me like rose-tinted idealization of what is, in fact, a fucked up, difficult, almost impossible situation. I'm barely a teenager. How am I supposed to own a house? And how am I supposed to sell the house where dad lived, where we all grew up together, where I felt Nirvana and where I wrote my first book, where all of my dreams have stemmed from... I don't know.

I don't know anything, anymore. This world made sense... I thought it would be gentle with me. But now I realize that maybe, without this, I would have never grown up. Maybe that's the whole point. Maybe I really would never have gone out there to become independent, and never would have stopped clinging to my dad to protect me and defend me... but I always forget, I'm only 20.

This is supposed to be scary. It's supposed to be frightening and panic-filled and overwhelming. It's supposed to seem impossible... because I need to be made to be strong enough to face the impossible, and not be afraid of it -- to face it, stare it down, and live it. I am living the impossible. I will succeed... I cannot let myself fail.

It would just be nice to have this heat wave finally break.

Monday, September 7, 2009

What is -- is.

All we argue over is interpretation.

No matter what interpretation wins, the truth of this universe remains. It is human nature that has created the interpretation. We look at our societies and beliefs as though they are things separate from ourselves, but we made them, we were brought into them, and we can change them. But no change of interpretation will change the truth of what God is.

You can only interpret your way so far. You may interpret your way to happiness, but you cannot interpret your way out of this world, or interpret your way to truth. Truth is a feeling; a knowing; a method of living. It is satisfaction and peace -- but intellectually, it is undefinable. Worldly knowledge can never be certain, and so is not worth trusting.

In light that our world is our perception, we should begin looking at what form of society we can structure for ourselves that would make everyone happy. There is no other point to living than to be happy, and to be good to our fellow man -- for just as nature intended, a piece of the whole cannot truly be happy unless the entire whole is happy. For a thing to function in nature, all parts must be healthy and cooperative. Control and power is an illusion; those of influence, if they are not generous, will find themselves as empty and desolate as the selfish, greedy, and destitute. In the end, when we face death, it is with all we have done in our lives; not with all we have owned. And after we die, there is judgment, but not the judgment we have created for ourselves in this world. It is a judgment of ourselves -- of being encased in the love of this universe, and seeing for the first time ourselves through the eyes of pure, unfiltered love, and then we must face the wrongs we have done, both to ourselves and to others.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Sporadic thoughts...

All action finds its seeds in desire. Action is motion. Desire is the beginning of motion. All things in this universe are moving, so what did the First Mover desire?

then again, perhaps desire is a motion unto itself... but then to move, a thing must want to move, right? So thought began action, internal will begets external reality... To begin, a thing must want to begin. Things are the product of action, action is the product of the soul, the soul is the first mover, unmoved by nothing but itself... even the core of our beings are contradictions...

it only seems like a contradiction because in life, there is the illusion of beginning and endings... but if you actually look at how a fetus is made and develops, how a person is born, children we have... individuality dies, but the whole moves on, eternally reproducing itself... there is no beginning and no ending, no source, just the illusion of... Read More source, but all sources have source, even our thoughts and dreams, internal as well as external reality. We are contradictions because our cultures and societies make us so. We try to fit what we observe in the world to our own social constructs and values and when they don't fit, we are left with confusion, fear, anger, untruth... the trick to escaping contradiction is just being, accepting that all makes sense in the pattern of the universe, none of this is out of place...

my contradictions are not me, only the principle motion, the will that leads to desire that leads to movement... I am my direction... perhaps it is by contradiction, two opposite forces repelling each other, that motion is born -- the motion of our thoughts, of our desires, of our beings...

through contradiction, we desire balance, thus motion is born, and I am the thing that directs that motion... but even that direction is ultimately a cumulative illusion of past experiences, the illusion of choice when really every choice is already made for us, by our genetics, by our societies, by our parents and influences... so really, I am just the I. I observe. I do nothing.

"I" is the only thing impermeable and unchanging, and it does not move, it is ultimately uninfluenced by contradiction, force, will... as is the First Mover of this universe. All else is the illusion of movement, consequence, and contradiction.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

I had to scramble to get here...

I could say that in some strange way, this was all meant to be. Since the beginning of this summer I have felt that force building in me, that voice telling me that something was on its way, something approaching faster, faster, faster... but I suppose you wouldn't know that feeling. It was made so obvious to me that by the end of this summer, there was something that was going to happen, something that was going to lead me by the nose into the future, an explosion that would push me to the greatest heights. I just didn't think it would be the death of my father.

I just... I just don't know what to think. When we release our wills to god; when we allow god to lead us, to teach us and bloom us, we find ourselves often confronted by situations that appear to be the opposite. Everyone around me is telling me how unfair it is, how sad and terrible, how fucked up that a 20 year old now has no parents. But I don't feel that way. I feel like I expected this -- this has always been my life, losing my parents at ages that seem unbearable and inconceivable, at ages that would put any other person on a direct path to self destruction. But that is not me. It's not me and it's not my brother. I have always known that the death of my father would lead to an even greater spiritual awakening; that the growth of my soul will now be propelled even faster towards what god and I have planned. I expected this... but I did not expect it so soon.

I wish I could tell you what god is. I wish I could take out my heart and put it in you and show you how beautiful it is, how loving and inconceivably powerful. God fills me with wonder. It always has. God is personal. It's not a race, it's not anything that makes me feel "better" than other people. It only makes me want to care for other people; to shoulder the burdens of life with a smile, to suffer with a strange sense of satisfaction as I look to the future and think of all the glorious, beautiful works of art that will come from this hardship.

God, I am afraid. God, I don't know what to do. But God, I will follow you.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

That feeling again...

Like God is calling to me.

I have numerous posts from blogs all over the internet concerning God and whatnot, which I've written since I was much younger than I am now, but implementing them seems like a waste of time. I wish I had a way of consecutively collecting all of my thoughts on God, at least for a personal record of spiritual growth. It amazes me that spiritual growth continues even after reaching what most people consider the "height" of spiritual achievement. I'm just learning these things recently; for a long time God was as much an enigma to me as it was to anyone else... the only difference was that I knew it existed because I could feel it everywhere, whereas others are blind to that connection. Reaching that "peak" of spiritual development was, for me, done quite by accident... if one could say going to the depths of personal hell is an accident... and it was not done for the sake of God, but for the sake of myself... wish I could go back and re-experience it, knowing what I know now, that I might describe it more fully to you. But since I can't, and probably never will again (why should I really need to, after all?), I'll do my best in this blog to just pick up where I left off. If I find any old posts of interest, I might put them up here, not that anyone reads this thing anyway.

I take a lot of walks. I walk to be close to God. Of course, I'm with god everywhere, but the hardest part of really "being with" god is containing it inside of myself, and retaining that connection when I am surrounded by things like florescent lighting and concrete... something about the energy puts it off, or stresses me out to the point that the connection becomes dormant. Sometimes I feel that connection so powerfully that it makes me want to cry all over again... embarrassing, I know. It's just so powerful and so loving... and so huge... and sometimes it shocks me that this is me, and this is god, and that somehow god is all of these things and incredibly separate, that it is something I can still block out if I want to, and something that I can pull into myself like an anchor or a mind set. God has a definite personality... it just seems too big for words. The biggest word I can think of to describe God is God... I guess because I finally know what that word means. God was a parent to me. It raised me, comforted me, led me through the harsher times and rejoiced with me when I was happy. Imaginary friend? If you can call this universe imaginary, then yes. I have an open dialogue with God, but I don't pretend to know what the answers are, because in the end, God speaks through our hearts and not through our language. Much of what I feel, I have no words for. Just a connection in everything. A sense that somehow I am walking through an ocean, though I can't see it, and I can't hear it or touch it, I can feel it all around me, denser than water, and consciously interacting me to the point that sometimes I really do feel insane. Who knows, maybe years from now I will be diagnosed as tragically schizophrenic and that will be the end of me. If that's the case, then I'd still be happy... because at least I know god.

I know it's not just me, because there have been times that complete strangers on the street have come up to me and asked me to pray for them, mainly people who strike me as either retarded or handicapped in some way. This has happened to me three times in the past year. It makes me smile, to be honest -- I mean, who wouldn't smile at the thought that God is guiding people to them for help? But it really is an amazing feeling, being not even 21 and already knowing I have an intimate knowledge of God that will lead me through the rest of my life. I just hope that when I've done my time on this world, it will be enough. And yet... when I think of leaving life behind, I feel sad. If death means losing God and becoming nothing, then I would want to live forever, forever and ever... living this life a thousand times is worth this feeling. I don't know how anyone else lives without it. They must be so miserable and lost.

Anyway, I should really be packing right now for a night at Los Osos with Kate... just felt the need to post some thoughts. Hope you're having a good day, and remember, if you need anything, just ask.

Monday, August 3, 2009

What is reality?

After enlightenment, there will be days where you feel God so strongly that all of the "rules" the saints have laid down -- how to eat, how to sleep, how to pray -- will come forth from you naturally. The reason why is because God is the balance in all things. When one is connected to its source, it demands balance, and brings the body into alignment with the spirit in all things. Drink without sugar, eat without salt, pray from your heart with each breath from your lungs.

Today I shall write about the nature of this world and what we live in.

First, we must realize that everyone and everything in this world is interconnected and consciously interacting with us. But do not forget that God is not just a force -- God has as much a personality as any man or woman, if you take away the bad traits and just leave the good. Humor, wisdom, and love -- these are God's traits. When you ask for a sign, God will decide when to give you that sign, not because God is incapable of giving it, but because often we are incapable of recognizing it. God will wait for a time that we are paying attention, which may not be the time we want, to deliver to us our message. Something like this happened just a few days ago that ended up knocking me off my feet. God is always listening. It hears everything you ask for. It will give you all that you ask for, but do remember that we underestimate the power of our own destructive tendencies. Why do bad things happen to good people? Besides the whole "learning" part (which is the point of life, mind you), it is because most people are not good people. They are just people. We cause our own suffering as surely as we cause the suffering of others. We must flood ourselves with love -- this is difficult because many do not feel they deserve love, or have been emotionally crippled to the point where they need a helping hand to show them what love is. That's why I'm here. Please be gentle with yourselves. God loves all of you as much as a universe could love, and it's a lot. Enlightenment comes, however, when you love God the same that God loves you. When a soul loves God, a soul sees God in everything, and thus loves everything. This does not mean one is removed from suffering. In fact, many times a loving soul will suffer pain very deeply. But an Enlightened soul knows how to release that pain without causing any harmful backlash to others.

The World as a Reflection

This world is a direct reflection of ourselves; each and every one of us lives both in the same world and in their own separate worlds, where their perceptions of reality, truth, and morality are drastically different. When we are in conflict with ourselves, struggling against loss, hate, betrayal, and other negativity, the world around us reflects that. It comes down to the simple analogy of seeing the glass half full or half empty. If one sees only the good, then one aligns themselves with only the good, and the world around us aligns itself too. When we move through life not pushing or pulling, not demanding or forcing, but rather asking, bowing, and confidently obeying the eternal rhythm in all things, then life opens for us in ways that are far more than coincidence. God speaks to us through everything, but we turn our eyes away and shut our ears. We pass things off as coincidence. There is no coincidence. Everything, even things that do not seem like coincidence, are interconnected and weaving the tapestry of our lives. When one moves in harmony with oneself, one moves in harmony with the world. When one is at discord with oneself, then one is discordant with the world. Stop seeing this reality as something purely external. We contain this reality inside of us as much as we are contained in it. We cannot control it, but we can harmonize with it. A disciplined soul controls his or her urges. An Enlightened soul harmonizes and floats over them, with no struggle, placing all in the heart of God and releasing it. Let go. God owes you nothing but love -- and when was the last time you loved yourself? Or anyone else, for that matter, in an unselfish way? Love is its own reward.

On Letting Go

We must remember that nothing in life is permanent. We must remember that when we die, we take nothing with us. We must remember that when others wrong us, it is all just a projection of their own hate and pain, and that by releasing our pain in a nonviolent manner, it causes no resounding ripples of negativity. The cycle of pain ends. To find God, we must give everything freely, including ourselves. We must trust our path in this world. We must love.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Why me?

So what's with all this God stuff, anyway?

It's difficult being young and realizing that most people see the world in a completely different way than oneself. I am not doing this to prove anything, nor do I care if you believe me or not. I will not waste my time debating you.

I am speaking these things for the people who are ready to listen, who have prepared themselves to the point that they are looking for answers and will seek high and low for truth. Everyone has their own path to follow; however, what I discovered as truth I found when I was very young. I write this blog for you, dear reader, and for the benefit of those in need, and for the consciousness in this universe that I know so intimately. If you think I do not have the authority to be speaking of these things, then go seek those who you will listen to. But I will only be saying the same words, as my words are their words, as are the same words of anyone who has come into contact with a higher power.

I will write more when I have more to say.

What is God?

So what is God?

The saints and prophets throughout history have called it by many names, and so I shall call it by the most familiar: God.

God is a feeling, a presence, and a knowledge all wrapped into one. I think a lot of people are born into religions or born into atheist families where they only learn to equate the word God with the Bible, Christianity, etc. God is neither contained in those things nor found only through those things; remember that whereas Christianity is only a mere 2000 years old, the oldest religion can be traced back 8000 years, and evidence of the knowledge of God and its existence go back even further than that. Do not make the mistake of thinking that our ancestors were less intelligent than we were; perhaps today we are more progressed in science, but the principles that led to science were founded deep in the roots of philosophy, which can be traced back to the beginning of human history -- and most philosophy is just as complex as science. We are marginally smarter, but we have not changed that much, especially socially. When I speak of God in this post, I do not speak in a religious, dogmatic context, so please do not mistake my words. Please imagine God as a blank slate; a term free of preconceived notions and context. (If you are happily part of a religion, I also do not mean to insult or disrespect anyone. I am simply speaking from what I know to be true, and my words are directed for a very select audience: those who have yet to find their answer.)

To know God, one must be alone. It begins with a question. We begin by searching for answers; a lot of times along our search we can be very unforgiving of others. We fight and argue. We debate. We insult other's beliefs because we are frustrated and we want answers that make sense; a lot of times we justify this anger and frustration by thinking others are dumb, tearing them apart, screaming, or just pulling away. It's alright. This is the soul at war with itself. Many times we fight our own innate understanding of God because we do not want it to be true, or because we fear it, which is what makes us so conflicted and upset. Of course, there are always people who just don't care either way -- it doesn't effect them, and that's fine; it's because they haven't started searching yet. But when one becomes angry at the mention of God, or even just the hint of God, it is because one is -- on some level -- angry at God. Justify it as one can; the truth will remain that if a person truly did not believe in anything, he or she would not feel so emotionally compelled to denounce it. One cannot hate the word God and then deny that this word is not somehow deeply affecting them.

So when do we begin?

People usually begin searching for God when they begin to experience difficult times in their lives, through which arise questions about the nature of reality and the “reason” behind everything. This does not mean that God is only an intangible concept to “comfort” those in need. Knowledge of God is not comfort, and it always leads to more questions; the journey does not end with simply “knowing.” It is a two-sided blade. On one hand, to be at peace with one's own beliefs is to give one strength and purpose far greater than what is otherwise humanly possible. However, it also burdens one with the responsibility of living one's life in service to both humanity and his or herself; a deep-seated, spiritual responsibility to better oneself and better the world. To have a spiritual “awakening” and come into knowledge of God doesn't just mean to “realize” the innate connection that exists in all things -- it means that one experiences it. This profound feeling of connection can easily be explained through science -- all things, including matter, simplify down to energy. Energy can neither be made nor destroyed. All matter we see around us is really just energy shaped by different vibrations. When an individual comes to the complete knowledge of God, one feels this energy and “vibration” in all things, and it resonates in the heart as Love. This Love exists because we are as much a part of its energy as it is a part of us, and just as we feel loved when we are home among the family we belong to (ideally), we feel the same love when we come home to God. Please remember that I am speaking of God as a blank slate. God is a presence, a feeling, and an innate, natural knowledge of this universe.

Why a presence?

So why can't we just say “God is energy evolving itself” and leave it at that? Because God does not just present itself to us as “lifeless” energy -- in fact, such a thing does not exist (where is there inanimate energy that does not produce life? All is a cycle.) When one experiences an “awakening,” one also becomes aware of a higher consciousness that exists in the world around us. It can be felt in all energy, in all growing things, in everything where the light touches or which moves with the appropriate chemical reactions to produce life. God is life force. God is unending, vibrating energy. But God is also the part of us that is conscious, the awareness of the mind that says “I am.” One can imagine God as an unending vibration that speaks “I am” over and over again, playing with the heart strings as one might imagine music, though no sound can be heard. This unending “I am” assures us of its presence by revealing itself as love. An unconscious energy cannot love, and yet this universe does love, and it loves far deeper and greater than anything we can relate to in our human perspective. This is the love of the entire universe harmonizing itself through laws and working as a functioning whole. To think that love is merely a emotion contained by the body is a limited perception. Everything we are was in this universe before we ever came into being. How could anything “new” come from energy if that energy can neither be created nor destroyed? We evolved from the same stuff that is in stars and dirt. Perhaps instead of seeing emotion as a product of evolved hormones and mating interactions, one might see it as a harmonizing energy that was previously in this universe, which we physically evolved to embody.

So how do I reach it?

This has always been something hard for me to explain. First, the idea of “reaching” or “attainment” when pertained to God is the wrong way of looking at it. One is made of the same energy that unites and harmonizes this entire universe; therefore, all you are really “reaching” for is to attain complete and total knowledge of one's own nature, which is already inside of yourself. One may find God when one calls it by all of its names without feeling that kick of anger, resentment, fear, or uncertainty. God is confidence; it is also humility and sincerity. Many Eastern religions would like to support that such an “awakening” is possible at merely the drop of a hat or the ring of a bell. I do not agree with this. I think that for one to reach such an awakening, one must open themselves to all possibility -- something extremely difficult to do, especially the later one reaches in life. Programming is a hard thing to erase, but when we can erase our programming, we discover the programmer. When we can unravel all of the knots and contradictions that make up our psyche, we begin to see that everything around us is really just a pattern, and it all originates from the same source. This realization can lead to the physical, internal “awakening” where one might connect with this source, recognize our “selves” as simply patterns, and come to terms with the solid presence that is free from pattern or repetition -- a presence that just is.

A lot of this is tied into the identity. We have many things in this world which we take into ourselves as our identities -- our mothers and fathers, physical objects like clothing, hair cuts, cars, TV's, or activities like jobs, sports, hobbies... but in the end, this true knowledge of the self can only be gained when one loses their physical perceptions of the self. We are not things of concrete buildings or 9-5 jobs. We are creatures of the forest, animals that have evolved to be just slightly smarter than the average bear, and in our arrogance we treat the rest of the universe as though it is some alien place that we are just stumbling upon, rather than the source of everything we are and have yet to become. The universe is a thriving, throbbing entity. It speaks and moves within us, for without it we would be unable to speak or move. To reconnect with the universe, we must humble ourselves. We must dispose of our egos and realize that nothing is ours, not even our identities, for they can be stripped from us as easily as our own houses or cars. To the larger extent, our identities rely on other people (our boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, mothers, fathers), and when we lose these people, we are thrown into questioning and doubt -- because the powerful sense of identity that each person gives us is, ultimately, fake. When we lose our identity and realize that we have nothing, and then open ourselves to God, our identity becomes God, and we see the world through God's eyes and feel through God's heart. Why is this? Because the innate knowledge that is in all things is also in ourselves; we simply suppress it by ignoring it and pretending it isn't there, to the point where we delude ourselves into believing that somehow we are outsiders in this universe, visitors who don't belong here. God's eyes see the connection in all things, because God is the connection in all things. God's heart loves all things, because God is all things. God must perceive itself; otherwise it would cease to exist. God must love itself, otherwise it would cease to evolve and create. To merge one's identity with God is the most profound homecoming a soul can ever experience, and it is a home that our hearts recognize before our eyes ever see it. This is why all the religions say that faith is blind. Faith is knowing one is home, even when one cannot see the house they walk in.

Does God answer all questions?

No. God (remember, blank slate) does not answer all questions. God cannot tell us why a loved one died, whether or not an afterlife exists, why we lost a job, or why we failed at our dreams. God, in this sense, does not speak. God does not explain to us what an atom is, nor does it tell us the speed of light, nor the depths of the ocean, nor the chemical reactions of our brains. However, when one is connected to this innate energy in the universe, those questions are satisfied on a level that does not need words. This is what it means to be at peace. The soul no longer fights itself for understanding, nor demands answers. The soul realizes that it is home and safe, and there is no need for worry or questioning, even if it sometimes worries and questions.

What next?

When one receives this understanding, there is no next step. One lives the rest of one's life serving humanity, because one is so full of love that he or she is incapable of doing anything else. It is a deep, unrivaled joy. It is the only satisfaction, and the urge is unquenchable.

Why did you write this?

Because you asked.