What is necessary for peace? Living life not to fix a problem, but to enjoy a moment. No longer grasping for control, but surrendering to His will and His path. Finally, finally, finally listening to that voice in my heart that told me to go, told me where to go, and I resisted because it seemed so out of reach, so futile, so impractical. But finally, in the midst of the pandemic, I followed.
I made a decision in April 2020 that I was finished living in Los Angeles, CA. For all of my life, since a child, I yearned to return to the deep forest mysteries of Washington State. I grew up in Marysville, WA before moving to Los Angeles when I was 10, and I never felt like I fully acclimated to the superficial lifestyle. I do not think LA is truly home to anyone; the city is not friend to anyone, and living a spiritual life in such a materialistic culture causes a great sense of friction in the heart and mind. The dissonance causes a deep, listless sense of dissatisfaction in my heart. A depression, an anxiety and a sense of being disconnected from myself--a sense of being lost and confused, my life sewn with doubt. Surrounded by millions of people, the loneliness of the big city is indescribable. The lack of authenticity or genuine connection. The constant distraction of cell phones, cars, ads, construction, traffic, career, networking, go go go. I could feel my body dying, my spirit withering even as it struggled to bloom.
I always felt that the Entertainment industry was evil, and working in it did not open my mind or make me more tolerant of LA, but only proved to me how soul-killing it could be. Long hours, little gratification, no spiritual reward, no service to our fellow man. A recipe for bitterness and regret.
So I prayed. And when the city went into lockdown due to COVID-19 and curfews were enforced due to rioting, and no one could walk the streets after 8pm, I found myself lying alone on my couch staring at the ceiling. It was dark outside, the room lit by a single low lamp. Washington. The mountains. I could suddenly taste the clean air and feel the presence of the vast forests, the mystic call of the tree voices, of leaves whispering and shade echoing. I felt God's spirit fill my heart. I felt the calling clearly as a bell. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. In this chaos of life, where nothing made sense and nothing was predictable, I craved His peace, and I craved the mountains. God said go. I needed to go.
In a short 2 months, I donated half my furniture, sold a few larger items, fixed up and rented out my house. I left behind the house I had lived in since I was 10 years old. The house where my mother died. The house where my father died. The house I inherited when I turned 20, the year I was orphaned. The house where I found God. I left it behind, and opened a new chapter in the book of my life.
Leaving Los Angeles and the trauma of the last 20 years felt like an alcoholic quitting the bottle. When I first arrived at my family's homestead in the North Cascades of Skagit County, the toxicity pouring out of my body was excruciating. I cried for hours every morning, in the quiet security of the mountains, releasing old pains and trapped thought patterns that had kept me stuck in a cycle of doubt and self-hate. And as I sought refuge in Christ, a new sense of joy began to grow inside of me. It was not the adrenaline rush of overachieving, of winning, of conquering the hardscape of the LA economy; it was not the race of survival. It was not lofty. It was not grandiose. In fact, in the beginning it was very small. It was soft. It was calm. It billowed up inside like a warm and soothing wind. It filled me with gold. It broke open memories of childhood spent with my mother and family that had long been buried by stress and fear. It took me down old country roads and hiking paths. And slowly, without truly noticing, I reconnected with that child I had left behind. I recovered a simple, fierce, unquestionable joy of living where I am happy, living in a place that belongs to me, where my heart feels at home.
God is faithful. He is good. His timing is perfect. He hears our prayers, and He knows our needs, our true needs. Only in Christ could I have healed, could I have had the strength of faith to take a chance and follow the call in my heart. The joy of following the call is truly a gift from Heaven. I am overfilled with a deep, soul-felt satisfaction knowing God has brought me to a place where there is no horror, only beauty. An oasis amidst the chaos of the world. A return to myself after feeling fractured for so long.
And with that change has come new strength. A sense of purpose and clarity I didn't have before. My life, my faith, my time on earth is non-negotiable. I will not spend it on tasks meaningless to me. I stand strong in my faith and I will do God's work in whatever humble way I can. I will not doubt myself, nor worry about the acceptance of others. I am not for everyone, and I don't want to be. I simply want to be loyal to myself, good to my family, and loyal to God. I have realized, after feeling lost for so long, that a spiritual life is the only life I want to live. It is the only life where I find meaning and true joy. It is the only life where I feel like I am truly myself. It doesn't matter what God's plan is for me. That is a journey we are taking together, a journey where I am blind and He leads, and there is no sense in wondering where we shall go. I am done negotiating with my path. I am done being afraid of rejection, consumed by doubt, intimidated by criticism, or stifled by judgment. I will not be afraid anymore to embrace my faith and live a life that is true to myself.
God has delivered me to the place of my prayers. It is miraculous and joyful to see, that while the world is in chaos, God has brought me to a place of meditation and peace.
I go now to the mountains. I give myself to the wide, empty spaces of the country. When we live a life equal with the pace of big city society, we do not have time to have a deep relationship with God, or deep relationships of any kind. We need to slow down. As a nation, we desperately need to slow down. But so many follow the pace of society instead of the pace of the Spirit.
There is so much suffering, fear and confusion sewn by the media, the government, corporations and everything in between.
For those seeking a spiritual life, a true life, everything is stacked against us. The truth is buried so deep. There is such a risk of this truth being lost. What shall happen to the world if the truth is lost? The only good in the world comes from God. Spirituality is the the wellspring of empathy and the source of compassion. Otherwise, we are simply lost creatures molded into a Capitalist system that wishes us to work endlessly and die. Without our faith, without this essential connection to our humanity, we will fall.
Disconnect your social media.
Turn off your TV and your phone.
Denounce all that distracts from God's calling in your life. That still, small voice is so easily overpowered by modern technology. The push to be "online" has overtaken churches, with pastors and clergy fueled by likes, marketing, materialism and fame. Do not speak to the camera. It doesn't matter how many times social media writes "Connection" and "Community" in their ads. This is not connection. This is not community. Do not be deceived. We are witnessing the decay of the heart of our humanity.
I pray: "Christ, if this path is not intended by God and is the devil's work (the work of the ego), then turn me away and protect me from evil. But if this work is True, if this work is by Your will and the will of God, then Christ, clear my path."
He leads. I follow.
To all of the pull of worldly things -- dig in your feet and do not be moved. Seize peace. Live simply. Be present. Show up for yourself, for others, in person, where you can take their hand, feel their anguish, hear their voices and show them the depth of God's healing grace. This is what connection and community means. Trust God and follow.
19 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
22 “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy,[c] your whole body will be full of light. 23 But if your eyes are unhealthy,[d] your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!
24 “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.
Matthew 6:19-24
