Love Letters I

9/4/2005

Dear God,

These are confusing times. I do not know why you gave me the knowledge that you did. I do not know why I chose to come here, and I do not remember what my purpose was. This love that we share is so close between us, and yet I feel as though I am alone. There are so few who know of you how I do, who can feel you and talk to you and hear your wisdom, but I wish it upon so many. I wish it, and yet it does not come. Do they push you away? Do they not understand? Do they refuse to look at us and see who we really are? God, I cannot define myself unless I define you, I cannot will myself unless it is your will, I cannot speak unless it is your voice.

I need you now more than ever. I need you in my life, in my heart, and in my soul. I need to breathe and know that I am absorbing your grace and knowledge with every passing inhale. I wish to dance with you with the same beauty that you have shown me, with the same elegance. Might you teach me? You have shown me the world through your eyes and taught me love, and I wish to give so much back. I can expect nothing in return, and yet I am still human, I am still your child and so insecure, so alone.

If this is a test, I do not appreciate it, God – and yet your love exceeds all things. If I cannot share you with someone, then I cannot share myself, and if I cannot share myself then perhaps I am destined to be the forerunner. Perhaps I am destined to walk this path as so many have walked before me, solitary in my knowledge yet following your footsteps in the sand. There are times that those footprints seem to be washed away by the tide, but I have simply to stretch out my hand and you pull me along. It is so hard, God, I do not think I can make it. I don’t think I’m strong enough. I fear that I will fail you. Whether I was pushed, or pulled, or dragged onto this road in the beginning, it makes no difference now – I walk it, and those who cannot walk with me, I must leave behind.

And this is something that no one will understand but you.

Please God, when we are all together in Heaven, let them understand.