God Will Place You

Had an enlightening conversation with my aunt this holiday season....

She told me that whenever she is under stress, her first reaction is to "run away." When her mother died at 13 (similar to when my mother died), her response was to rebel and run away from home. Now that she is struggling with marital problems, she feels the urge to run away again, but she stays in her marriage because she wants to remain true to her faith and set an example for younger generations.

She said that she remembered when my mother died, that I came to her with a lot of soul searching. Every time I would come to her house, I either "believed in God" or I didn't. I would argue and discuss it with her until I returned home, sometimes over a period of three or more days. She said I was fighting an intense inner battle. This led all the way up to my revelation, and then all arguments of God stopped because I had found my faith.

She said that it appears that I am doing the same now with my father's death... yet instead of searching for God, I am searching for where I fit. She said that my conviction gave her chills, that it was clear I wasn't doubting God, but that I was looking for the place where God needed me. She told me "Don't worry about where you're going because God will place you where you fit...." In the meantime, it's good that I research all kinds of faith in order to understand where one is lacking and another is fulfilling. "Eventually," she said, "You'll find a peace in knowing that God has you exactly where He needs you."

When she said these things, I was surprised, because my aunt is in no way a perfect person and her judgment of other people and other faiths has often turned me off to Christianity. I was shocked that she actually encouraged me to search through other religions to find what felt right, and that this was a necessary part of growing in faith. She said that this way, I could lead others from all sorts of faith and help them to have a relationship with God. She also said that I needed to do this now while I am young, because if I ever was to be married or have a family, they would be looking to me for strength and conviction, and it isn't good for children to see a mother flip-flopping back and forth with her beliefs.

She also said not to think that I am doing this alone; she said that many people are watching me, my brother and friends and probably people I don't even realize, and that they are looking for God's truth in my life. It is not really about me... rather, it is up to me not to lead them astray....

Suddenly, my path to God and divinity took on a far more important role. No, this walk is not for me... it is for all those who witness it, and I have a responsibility not to lead them into false beliefs.

It made me wonder if God is making my life into an example of faith in order to wake them up....

"Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass ... Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him."

Psalm 37:4,7

"For the LORD gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding. He stores up sound wisdom for the upright; He is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice, and He preserves the way of His godly ones. Then you will discern righteousness and justice and equity and every good course."

Proverbs 2:6-9