It's funny how when things go bad and life takes a turn for the worse, we pray and pray and pray, and we feel like God is in every thought and corner. We speak to Him, look to Him, heal with Him and grow stronger.

And then, when our prayers are answered and we are delivered from the storm, we look around and think -- wait, where is God? Is He still here?

This is what I've been experiencing lately. For so long, my life was endless panic. Waking up was hell, sleeping was hell, I felt friendless and alone. It was so easy to rely on God, because He was all I had.

And now that I am through the fire, that I have been delivered into this new life that is far more stable, I suddenly feel bereft. I no longer have that desperate need of God. When we suffer, we are so close to Him. We pray so sincerely. We look for Him so closely... and then, when He delivers us from that dark place and we are able to stand on our own, we suddenly feel like something is missing. As though His presence is gone from our lives.

But He is never gone.

My lesson for this week: that when your life seems to have reached a plateau, don't think that you are suddenly away from God. He is still all around you. In fact, everything around you is there with His blessing. You are standing in the midst of His gifts.

Don't forget to thank the Giver.

Confessions V

And it all sneaks in again.

No matter how confident we grow in our faith, circumstances arise and the path fades, like a forest trail smothered in leaves. Do I still walk with God? Is he still present in my life? Or was all of that a dream, some marvelous possession of the Spirit, come and gone?

I do feel separated from God. I do not know why. This is my confession: that I am terrified of wandering. That I fear I have strayed. That perhaps my life makes even less sense now than it did two years ago. I thought things would become clearer, but I have crossed no finish line, reached no plateau, completed no task.

Are God's tasks ever complete?

I still await a change, a meteor from the sky or an earthquake, something to turn the world upside down. It happened once, and I keep thinking it will happen again. But perhaps God intends this current peace in my life, this period of immobility, paralyzed yet secure.

His thoughts still visit in my dreams. I know He is real. I still see it in the world. But where is He in my life? Where is His work?

God, I pray that you show me my divine purpose, and lead me back to that path.