I had to scramble to get here...

I could say that in some strange way, this was all meant to be. Since the beginning of this summer I have felt that force building in me, that voice telling me that something was on its way, something approaching faster, faster, faster... but I suppose you wouldn't know that feeling. It was made so obvious to me that by the end of this summer, there was something that was going to happen, something that was going to lead me by the nose into the future, an explosion that would push me to the greatest heights. I just didn't think it would be the death of my father.

I just... I just don't know what to think. When we release our wills to god; when we allow god to lead us, to teach us and bloom us, we find ourselves often confronted by situations that appear to be the opposite. Everyone around me is telling me how unfair it is, how sad and terrible, how fucked up that a 20 year old now has no parents. But I don't feel that way. I feel like I expected this -- this has always been my life, losing my parents at ages that seem unbearable and inconceivable, at ages that would put any other person on a direct path to self destruction. But that is not me. It's not me and it's not my brother. I have always known that the death of my father would lead to an even greater spiritual awakening; that the growth of my soul will now be propelled even faster towards what god and I have planned. I expected this... but I did not expect it so soon.

I wish I could tell you what god is. I wish I could take out my heart and put it in you and show you how beautiful it is, how loving and inconceivably powerful. God fills me with wonder. It always has. God is personal. It's not a race, it's not anything that makes me feel "better" than other people. It only makes me want to care for other people; to shoulder the burdens of life with a smile, to suffer with a strange sense of satisfaction as I look to the future and think of all the glorious, beautiful works of art that will come from this hardship.

God, I am afraid. God, I don't know what to do. But God, I will follow you.

That feeling again...

Like God is calling to me.

I have numerous posts from blogs all over the internet concerning God and whatnot, which I've written since I was much younger than I am now, but implementing them seems like a waste of time. I wish I had a way of consecutively collecting all of my thoughts on God, at least for a personal record of spiritual growth. It amazes me that spiritual growth continues even after reaching what most people consider the "height" of spiritual achievement. I'm just learning these things recently; for a long time God was as much an enigma to me as it was to anyone else... the only difference was that I knew it existed because I could feel it everywhere, whereas others are blind to that connection. Reaching that "peak" of spiritual development was, for me, done quite by accident... if one could say going to the depths of personal hell is an accident... and it was not done for the sake of God, but for the sake of myself... wish I could go back and re-experience it, knowing what I know now, that I might describe it more fully to you. But since I can't, and probably never will again (why should I really need to, after all?), I'll do my best in this blog to just pick up where I left off. If I find any old posts of interest, I might put them up here, not that anyone reads this thing anyway.

I take a lot of walks. I walk to be close to God. Of course, I'm with god everywhere, but the hardest part of really "being with" god is containing it inside of myself, and retaining that connection when I am surrounded by things like florescent lighting and concrete... something about the energy puts it off, or stresses me out to the point that the connection becomes dormant. Sometimes I feel that connection so powerfully that it makes me want to cry all over again... embarrassing, I know. It's just so powerful and so loving... and so huge... and sometimes it shocks me that this is me, and this is god, and that somehow god is all of these things and incredibly separate, that it is something I can still block out if I want to, and something that I can pull into myself like an anchor or a mind set. God has a definite personality... it just seems too big for words. The biggest word I can think of to describe God is God... I guess because I finally know what that word means. God was a parent to me. It raised me, comforted me, led me through the harsher times and rejoiced with me when I was happy. Imaginary friend? If you can call this universe imaginary, then yes. I have an open dialogue with God, but I don't pretend to know what the answers are, because in the end, God speaks through our hearts and not through our language. Much of what I feel, I have no words for. Just a connection in everything. A sense that somehow I am walking through an ocean, though I can't see it, and I can't hear it or touch it, I can feel it all around me, denser than water, and consciously interacting me to the point that sometimes I really do feel insane. Who knows, maybe years from now I will be diagnosed as tragically schizophrenic and that will be the end of me. If that's the case, then I'd still be happy... because at least I know god.

I know it's not just me, because there have been times that complete strangers on the street have come up to me and asked me to pray for them, mainly people who strike me as either retarded or handicapped in some way. This has happened to me three times in the past year. It makes me smile, to be honest -- I mean, who wouldn't smile at the thought that God is guiding people to them for help? But it really is an amazing feeling, being not even 21 and already knowing I have an intimate knowledge of God that will lead me through the rest of my life. I just hope that when I've done my time on this world, it will be enough. And yet... when I think of leaving life behind, I feel sad. If death means losing God and becoming nothing, then I would want to live forever, forever and ever... living this life a thousand times is worth this feeling. I don't know how anyone else lives without it. They must be so miserable and lost.

Anyway, I should really be packing right now for a night at Los Osos with Kate... just felt the need to post some thoughts. Hope you're having a good day, and remember, if you need anything, just ask.

What is reality?

After enlightenment, there will be days where you feel God so strongly that all of the "rules" the saints have laid down -- how to eat, how to sleep, how to pray -- will come forth from you naturally. The reason why is because God is the balance in all things. When one is connected to its source, it demands balance, and brings the body into alignment with the spirit in all things. Drink without sugar, eat without salt, pray from your heart with each breath from your lungs.



Today I shall write about the nature of this world and what we live in.



First, we must realize that everyone and everything in this world is interconnected and consciously interacting with us. But do not forget that God is not just a force -- God has as much a personality as any man or woman, if you take away the bad traits and just leave the good. Humor, wisdom, and love -- these are God's traits. When you ask for a sign, God will decide when to give you that sign, not because God is incapable of giving it, but because often we are incapable of recognizing it. God will wait for a time that we are paying attention, which may not be the time we want, to deliver to us our message. Something like this happened just a few days ago that ended up knocking me off my feet. God is always listening. It hears everything you ask for. It will give you all that you ask for, but do remember that we underestimate the power of our own destructive tendencies. Why do bad things happen to good people? Besides the whole "learning" part (which is the point of life, mind you), it is because most people are not good people. They are just people. We cause our own suffering as surely as we cause the suffering of others. We must flood ourselves with love -- this is difficult because many do not feel they deserve love, or have been emotionally crippled to the point where they need a helping hand to show them what love is. That's why I'm here. Please be gentle with yourselves. God loves all of you as much as a universe could love, and it's a lot. Enlightenment comes, however, when you love God the same that God loves you. When a soul loves God, a soul sees God in everything, and thus loves everything. This does not mean one is removed from suffering. In fact, many times a loving soul will suffer pain very deeply. But an Enlightened soul knows how to release that pain without causing any harmful backlash to others.



The World as a Reflection

This world is a direct reflection of ourselves; each and every one of us lives both in the same world and in their own separate worlds, where their perceptions of reality, truth, and morality are drastically different. When we are in conflict with ourselves, struggling against loss, hate, betrayal, and other negativity, the world around us reflects that. It comes down to the simple analogy of seeing the glass half full or half empty. If one sees only the good, then one aligns themselves with only the good, and the world around us aligns itself too. When we move through life not pushing or pulling, not demanding or forcing, but rather asking, bowing, and confidently obeying the eternal rhythm in all things, then life opens for us in ways that are far more than coincidence. God speaks to us through everything, but we turn our eyes away and shut our ears. We pass things off as coincidence. There is no coincidence. Everything, even things that do not seem like coincidence, are interconnected and weaving the tapestry of our lives. When one moves in harmony with oneself, one moves in harmony with the world. When one is at discord with oneself, then one is discordant with the world. Stop seeing this reality as something purely external. We contain this reality inside of us as much as we are contained in it. We cannot control it, but we can harmonize with it. A disciplined soul controls his or her urges. An Enlightened soul harmonizes and floats over them, with no struggle, placing all in the heart of God and releasing it. Let go. God owes you nothing but love -- and when was the last time you loved yourself? Or anyone else, for that matter, in an unselfish way? Love is its own reward.


On Letting Go


We must remember that nothing in life is permanent. We must remember that when we die, we take nothing with us. We must remember that when others wrong us, it is all just a projection of their own hate and pain, and that by releasing our pain in a nonviolent manner, it causes no resounding ripples of negativity. The cycle of pain ends. To find God, we must give everything freely, including ourselves. We must trust our path in this world. We must love.