Like God is calling to me.
I have numerous posts from blogs all over the internet concerning God and whatnot, which I've written since I was much younger than I am now, but implementing them seems like a waste of time. I wish I had a way of consecutively collecting all of my thoughts on God, at least for a personal record of spiritual growth. It amazes me that spiritual growth continues even after reaching what most people consider the "height" of spiritual achievement. I'm just learning these things recently; for a long time God was as much an enigma to me as it was to anyone else... the only difference was that I knew it existed because I could feel it everywhere, whereas others are blind to that connection. Reaching that "peak" of spiritual development was, for me, done quite by accident... if one could say going to the depths of personal hell is an accident... and it was not done for the sake of God, but for the sake of myself... wish I could go back and re-experience it, knowing what I know now, that I might describe it more fully to you. But since I can't, and probably never will again (why should I really need to, after all?), I'll do my best in this blog to just pick up where I left off. If I find any old posts of interest, I might put them up here, not that anyone reads this thing anyway.
I take a lot of walks. I walk to be close to God. Of course, I'm with god everywhere, but the hardest part of really "being with" god is containing it inside of myself, and retaining that connection when I am surrounded by things like florescent lighting and concrete... something about the energy puts it off, or stresses me out to the point that the connection becomes dormant. Sometimes I feel that connection so powerfully that it makes me want to cry all over again... embarrassing, I know. It's just so powerful and so loving... and so huge... and sometimes it shocks me that this is me, and this is god, and that somehow god is all of these things and incredibly separate, that it is something I can still block out if I want to, and something that I can pull into myself like an anchor or a mind set. God has a definite personality... it just seems too big for words. The biggest word I can think of to describe God is God... I guess because I finally know what that word means. God was a parent to me. It raised me, comforted me, led me through the harsher times and rejoiced with me when I was happy. Imaginary friend? If you can call this universe imaginary, then yes. I have an open dialogue with God, but I don't pretend to know what the answers are, because in the end, God speaks through our hearts and not through our language. Much of what I feel, I have no words for. Just a connection in everything. A sense that somehow I am walking through an ocean, though I can't see it, and I can't hear it or touch it, I can feel it all around me, denser than water, and consciously interacting me to the point that sometimes I really do feel insane. Who knows, maybe years from now I will be diagnosed as tragically schizophrenic and that will be the end of me. If that's the case, then I'd still be happy... because at least I know god.
I know it's not just me, because there have been times that complete strangers on the street have come up to me and asked me to pray for them, mainly people who strike me as either retarded or handicapped in some way. This has happened to me three times in the past year. It makes me smile, to be honest -- I mean, who wouldn't smile at the thought that God is guiding people to them for help? But it really is an amazing feeling, being not even 21 and already knowing I have an intimate knowledge of God that will lead me through the rest of my life. I just hope that when I've done my time on this world, it will be enough. And yet... when I think of leaving life behind, I feel sad. If death means losing God and becoming nothing, then I would want to live forever, forever and ever... living this life a thousand times is worth this feeling. I don't know how anyone else lives without it. They must be so miserable and lost.
Anyway, I should really be packing right now for a night at Los Osos with Kate... just felt the need to post some thoughts. Hope you're having a good day, and remember, if you need anything, just ask.
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