GOD THOUGHTS: I had to scramble to get here...

Sunday, August 23, 2009

I had to scramble to get here...

I could say that in some strange way, this was all meant to be. Since the beginning of this summer I have felt that force building in me, that voice telling me that something was on its way, something approaching faster, faster, faster... but I suppose you wouldn't know that feeling. It was made so obvious to me that by the end of this summer, there was something that was going to happen, something that was going to lead me by the nose into the future, an explosion that would push me to the greatest heights. I just didn't think it would be the death of my father.

I just... I just don't know what to think. When we release our wills to god; when we allow god to lead us, to teach us and bloom us, we find ourselves often confronted by situations that appear to be the opposite. Everyone around me is telling me how unfair it is, how sad and terrible, how fucked up that a 20 year old now has no parents. But I don't feel that way. I feel like I expected this -- this has always been my life, losing my parents at ages that seem unbearable and inconceivable, at ages that would put any other person on a direct path to self destruction. But that is not me. It's not me and it's not my brother. I have always known that the death of my father would lead to an even greater spiritual awakening; that the growth of my soul will now be propelled even faster towards what god and I have planned. I expected this... but I did not expect it so soon.

I wish I could tell you what god is. I wish I could take out my heart and put it in you and show you how beautiful it is, how loving and inconceivably powerful. God fills me with wonder. It always has. God is personal. It's not a race, it's not anything that makes me feel "better" than other people. It only makes me want to care for other people; to shoulder the burdens of life with a smile, to suffer with a strange sense of satisfaction as I look to the future and think of all the glorious, beautiful works of art that will come from this hardship.

God, I am afraid. God, I don't know what to do. But God, I will follow you.

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TRUTH

"We are all pilgrims together, wending through unknown country, home."
~ Fra Giovanni Giocondo

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."

~ Timothy 4:12

"If then your whole body is flooded with light, and no corner of it is darkness, it will be completely illuminated as when a lamp's rays engulf you."
~ Luke 11:36

"Perfection consists in doing His will, in being what He wants us to be.... Later, when perfection made its appearance to me, I understood that in order to become a Saint you have to suffer a lot, always be in search of what is the most perfect, and forget yourself."
~ St. Therese of Lisieux

"Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world."
~ The Buddha

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that is may benefit those who listen."

~ Ephesians 4:29

"Religion should unite all hearts and cause wars and disputes to vanish from the face of the earth; it should give birth to spirituality, and bring light and life to every soul."
~ Bahá’u’lláh