And when I have had my fill....
When I am exhausted and drained at the end of the day, and I reach home, and everything seems empty... because my days are full of rush and responsibility, fragile conversation and my mind distracted in prayer, the heart burdened by a thousand worries, unknowns, nameless fear and illusory danger.... I am not immune to worry, to uncertainty, to the fear of being abandoned....
And at the end of the day, when the panic is over and I come back to this house that is not yet my house, and not my father's house, and no one's home but that of my old self, that other life which has left me....
When I come home, and I am somewhere in between, walking interstitial halls....
I, too, touch my forehead to the floor and beg for release, beg for God to take me away, to save me, to stop this horrible lingering depression, the ache in my chest that is the absence of you, the hole left where your love filled me, drained as your life has been drained, taken to some Heavenly field far from my reach.... Even in dreams, you are not the same....
Even I cry out, even I cling tightly to the walls, knowing that He is the wall, and He is the floor, and He is each groan of my heart begging for mercy, for relief, for resolution to what is an endless tunnel, a darkness undefinable, where not even hope is a lantern for there is nothing to hope for, only Our plan, Our tasks that I pray will be enough, enough to make a life worth living, enough to make my suffering an offering, a sacrifice, my self to a greater Self, a greater Good, a higher House in Your Name....
I break apart in these halls... over and over again, I die here and am reborn... here, in my Father's house, where He is always listening, where He is always building, always healing, always promising and always whispering of love.... This home that is not yet my home, and yet has always been Home, is the place where I seek His shelter and where I pretend, in the dim light of a midnight room, that He sleeps next to me, His Heart pressed in mine, and where death resides He breathes life, He breathes tomorrow, tomorrow, always tomorrow, again tomorrow we shall die together, and I am Still Here....
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ReplyDeleteTheresa: Just thought I would post this on your God Thoughts. It is from my Dreams from the LORD 2011:
ReplyDelete13 March 2011
"There is a great spirit of sorrow or grief that is pervading my whole being. I think something really bad is going to happen. I think the earthquake in Japan that happened on 11 March was a foreshadowing of something more disastrous to come on the United States. Maybe it is the Las Vegas Earthquake.
"I stayed in Riverton, Wyoming at the shelter for the past two nights. Last night the Presence of God was very strong and annoying--I didn't sleep that much. Even one of the guys at the shelter noticed that something was wrong with me; maybe I looked like I was under some duress. He asked me if everything was okay; I forget what I told him.
"I remember the week before 11 September 2001, I was getting more and more annoyed about the fact that someone wanted to assassinate President George W. Bush. But now it is much worse than that; it is a real spirit of heaviness and sorrow--like many people may die. I can't shake it.
"I stayed overnight at a friend's place in Dubois on the 10th of March. That evening the Presence of God became very powerful. The next day I found out on the morning news about the 8.9 earthquake in Japan."
From Dreams from the LORD 2011:
ReplyDelete14 March 2011
"Last night I stayed at Jeremy and Felice’s place in Jackson. This morning Felice had been listening to the news on the radio about the earthquake in Japan. She told me that the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan had to pull out of the area because of too much radiation leaking from one of the nuclear power plants. The U.S.S. Reagan was one hundred miles off the coast of Japan. I watched the news on CNN today and there is a lot of attention on two or three nuclear reactors that were damaged during the earthquake in Japan.
"The spirit of sorrow that I felt yesterday could be about the possible radiation poisoning of many people on the northeast coast of Japan. And maybe the Lord was concerned about the U.S. military personnel (like the U.S.S. Reagan) that were in Japan helping the victims of the massive earthquake that happened on 11 March.
"It seems like when something major happens concerning national security for the United States, I pick up on it (perceive it in my spirit) right away. The Holy Ghost is a million times more powerful and sensitive than radar. Radar is created light; the Holy Ghost is uncreated light."