Another Vision

While laying down to sleep tonight, I had another vision.

Resting my head against a pillow, I closed my eyes, and I saw a flash of the same Tree of Life that I had seen in 2015. I saw a soul being drawn up through one of the roots of the Tree into its trunk, where it would continue its journey upward into God. The soul looked like a ball of glowing white light. Glinting with rainbow colors around the light was a bubble. I think this was the aura surrounding the soul. 

I knew that this particular root, which had drawn up the soul from the ground (Earth), was Judaism. The root carried the soul upward like water into the Tree, into God.

False Self and Suffering

I have studiously been attending the Vedanta Center in Seattle twice a week. It is where God/The Self has called me to be. I adore these sermons that are so kind and non-judgmental, so spiritual and profound in nature. I love Vedanta. They teach that many, many, many souls have come to the world just like me. Jesus was one of them. Buddha was another. Ramakrishna is the most recent one they follow. There are nine recognized incarnations to date, but I know that there have been thousands, many belonging to ancient civilizations now lost to time. It is such a broader worldview than modern day Christianity. It is what my soul needs--perspective.

Last Sunday was a sermon on The Buddha and his teachings. Swami's passion for the Buddha permeated his words. He spoke about how The Buddha sat for forty days at the base of the Bodhi tree to reach Enlightenment. During this time, he was attacked by the god of illusions, who sent his five daughters to tempt him. The Vadanta religion (Hinduism) acknowledges this is a parable, a story rooted in history. They openly acknowledge that such stories are meant to be used as tools to teach and not necessarily taken literally. Religion should be understood this way. There is a surprising amount of people who do not understand the nature of a metaphor.

What Buddha was faced with under the Bodhi tree was his false selves. His illusory identities. The impermanent parts of himself that he clung to instead of realizing his Oneness with the Self. This story sat powerfully with me. I know the danger of a false self; how easily they sneak in. What I felt in my experience when I woke up and saw God, the consciousness that unites everything, is that the self was dead. God is the True Self. Who I was before that experience no longer exists. She died that day, and I became. Reborn in the Bigger Self.

Today, as I am combing through old journal entries compiling Our book (because God has finally said "Now. It is Time. Let's compile the Message,") I found the following passage written in a journal of mine from 2015:

"There is a sense of slamming into one's body when we realize the most significant moment in our life is now... Right now. I can begin again by not carrying so much of the past as a weight. I can only truly be who I am when I am here, in the present moment. Clouded by the past, we are not whole.

Writing isn't worth all that much when you write every day. Journals and journals filled, and never reread. Half, I am embarrassed to read. The other half, afraid.

We can choose not to let go of trauma. We can keep it close to us, like a false identity."

And then, in a flash of understanding, I realized: I have forged a false ego along my path. The loss of my family, the word "orphan," became a false identity. The ego clung to my trauma. The deceit is that my past defines me--it does not. The lie is that my pain is who I am. The lie is that my suffering is who I am. No. This is not True.

I am not an orphan; the world is my family. You all are connected to me in the Self. I am not my suffering; I am not my trauma; I am not what happened to me, nor my loss, nor my transformation, nor should my concerns lie there. I should not seek an identity there. I am simply a reflection of God; a vessel for God's magnanimous love. My soul is pure light. I am child of the Self. A child and a creation of God. I am not my past; I am not my broken family. I am God's love. I am whole.

I felt the shackles fall off of me. There was God again, beaming at me, that bright silent connection in all things. Love surged and I cried. Then, I laughed at this realization. I laughed and laughed. I felt something in me loosen and break free--a demon? A mental weight of some kind? Shackles. I laughed, because God's joke is the silly blindness of our short lives on earth. When seen, we are known. I am seen, and I see, and I am known as He is known to me.

I am free. Free of my past. Free to become.

Religion limits you. Spirituality sets you free.

From this day on, I no longer identify as Christian. I no longer identify as a Buddhist, Taoist, Atheist, nor a follower of Vedanta. I am spiritual. I don't need a name. I am a Way unto myself. I am the Self. 

I am Love, and my only desire is to serve.

Serve all. Every person. Every creed. Every nationality. Every creature upon the earth. Every plant, rock and stone. All are manifestations of God. You think you are spiritual? Humble yourself and serve all.

Ascending

We are on the ascent now.

Before me, I see the peak of the mountain. 

God takes aim, the bow strung tight.

I am His arrow.

His aim is True.

He cannot miss.

I am ready to fly.

A Misery Place

I was in line at WinCo speaking to one of the checkout clerks. She was a handsome woman in her forties or fifties. Age can be so difficult to discern.

She told me, "I grew up in Missouri. I like to call it Misery."

It made me reflect on my time spent in Los Angeles. It makes me think that everyone has that Misery place. I know mine was definitely LA. Healing often requires us to leave behind the place of Misery to a place of newness, where we can set down new roots and begin fashioning a new life for ourselves. This is what brings immigrants to America. This is what makes children leave home. We want to leave behind our suffering. We all want to find a life that makes us feel balanced and whole.

But leaving behind a place of Misery is only half of the work. The old adage is true: "Wherever you go, there you are."

After leaving behind the place of Misery, we still carry it inside of us. We must allow time for that Misery in our hearts to heal. It has taken me 2 years to feel at home in the Pacific Northwest, and that did not happen by staying isolated and alone.

I had to challenge myself to make connections. I made a personal decision to avoid groups of people who reminded me of the friends and family I'd left behind in LA. But I also went outside of my comfort zone. I joined groups and activities to meet people with similar interests. I tried different temples and churches to find a spiritual home. I tried to make every decision from the sincerity of my heart. 

I pursued jobs in fields that I loved as a child. Not for money or prestige. But for joy.

I sought out family ties that were loving and accepting of me; bonds that made me grow stronger in myself, not insecure. Real love makes us strong, independent, and kind. We know it intuitively, because we grow from it. Real love allows us to grow.

False love, ego-love, small love, selfish love--we know that kind of love intuitively too, because it makes us feel smaller; it makes us doubt ourselves and secretly hate ourselves; it makes the ground beneath us feel unsteady, and the future seem uncertain. You can't change or heal your family when they are only capable of small love. You have to let go of them to a degree, and pray for them, and allow Life and God to heal them. You deserve wholeness in your life.

We all have a place of Misery. Part of our spiritual growth is leaving behind that Misery place and taking a risk to become more. To live better. I encourage it. In some situations, I think it is the only way to heal: to leave the past behind--physically, leave it behind.

"Re-examine all you have been told...dismiss that which insults your soul."

~Walt Whitman

Love Letters IV

 How vast are our misunderstandings of each other, to make an enemy of love. To perceive genuine care and support as wrongful or meddling. To be shamed for our loving actions when reaching out to another.

Be gentle, but do not be afraid to break through another's armor. At times, the Voice must be used as a spear to pierce through the walls surrounding the heart. It is seldom welcomed by the listener. But the Truth remains ever in their heart from that day, as an echo, as a seed waiting to bloom. You spoke the message. God will do the rest. He will shine light on the seed. He will carry your acts to fruition.

Be strong, young one. Love is always the answer. It takes time for some people to see that. Do not be concerned with age, but know yourself as an ageless being, as old as the stars and the elements and the creation of the cosmos. What lives in you, lives in all. All things are Love. Be at peace, and know you did well.

God Thought

 I woke up in the middle of the night last night, troubled in my purpose and my calling. God's quiet voice said, Just love them unconditionally. I will do the rest.

Dreams and the Mother

 Another night of deep sleep. I slept for 12 hours. In my dreams, She spoke to me. I saw trees upon trees upon trees. Every time I closed my eyes, trees filled my vision, and laughter bubbled up from my lips, not as much as yesterday night, but more than once. 

At one point, I woke up to an ache in my stomach on the left side. The Higher Voice spoke to me, and She said, Do you feel this pain? This is your mother's rejection of you, when you were little. She said you were ugly and fat. She shamed you. This is the pain you carry from your childhood ugliness; from your mother's lack of love. Heal her. Forgive her. Love Yourself. You are Beautiful. You are Mine. You are Good. You are Wanted. Love Yourself for All that You Are.

Today, I am happy and clearheaded and full of energy. I keep laughing at random like a mad woman. I keep touching my stomach and sending love to the pain that lingers. I never noticed before all the odd pains and tensions in my body, left over from the last twenty years of suffering in the city. Sometimes, we have to fall away before we can become closer to God. God will chisel away all that is imperfect. We will hurt until we follow.

When I think of my biological mother, who was often cold, distant and critical, I send her love. I am not my human mother. I am my spiritual Mother. She is the Great Healer. She is the Higher Self. The superego that heals the body.

Now, since visiting the Vedanta Center, my brain is healing rapidly from the toxicity of Los Angeles and the last few years, where I was living in a stressed out, chemically-induced city. Corporate work is the death of the Spirit. I remember a pivotal moment about 4 years into my Entertainment career. I was working as a vendor for Disney Plus (I was part of the team that launched the platform in November 2019), and I remember gazing sadly out the window. I was burned out. My spirit could not summon the motivation to open a single email. I stared down at a person walking their dog, and thought of the few hours a day I had to eat and watch a TV show before collapsing in exhaustion. I thought of the friends I no longer knew. The family I craved, who were far away. And I felt something inside of me solidifying. My body seemed to tell me, "You can choose this. You can choose to stay here, and become this person. You would have a good career and make a lot of money in a prestigious company. You will do good work here for Me, even in a small way. You can still serve. You will have accolades and awards and material comforts. Why not adapt to this life? Why not take on this role? This is part of growing up and being an adult. All the people you work with in this company have made this sacrifice. Grow up. Let go of your childhood dreams, they were silly ambitions. Why not have health insurance instead?"

A decision was made that day. I felt this new identity forming: cold, practical, unloving, small. Justifying cruelty for money. My life's values conforming to company policies. Pushing for change by going to meetings and escalating problems to our Account Directors. Living in stress. Splitting people between good and bad, us vs. them. Forgetting the child at the heart of myself, the girl my dad loved, the one who wanted to save the world. Just forget about her. That's crazy. Save the world? Nobody can do that.

No. My decision was no. This was not was God was calling on me to do. And I am not a weak-willed slave willing to bow to human authority. I serve a Higher Master. I surrendered my parents for this faith; I died many deaths and suffered Hell for this Faith. No. I do not care if I have nothing. No. I cannot do this to my soul anymore. I will not abandon God. I will not stray from my Calling, no matter how blind I felt. I would rather leap off a cliff than live this life of captivity one more second.

That was a few years ago. God provides. I am healing still, but in healing, there is immeasurable growth. Working every day in a cubicle, bereft of grass and sunlight, in misery from the fast-paced lifestyle, disconnected from myself, was Hell. We live in Hell. 

I've been praying to be restored to the clarity of my childhood, back when my thoughts were free of anger and grief. Then, I knew Her closely, easily. I feel ashamed, when I look back on all the mistakes of my 20's: how I abused my body, how I acted unloving, the little ways I experimented and rebelled against the Spirit. But She is not mad at me. She says, You had to live that way to know their suffering. I asked this of you. I made you strong and fearless. You had to suffer with them for a time, to know that you cannot be separated from Me. But that is over now. Now, You get to be who You really are, and We begin.

She is the Mother. She is One. She is Me. I am Her. I am Her daughter. She is large, and I am small, but we are the Same. She is Mother to the world, and she has come to serve Her children.

God is the Self. When Jesus came, he was a man, and so he referred to God as Father because for him, the Highest Self was most easily relatable to as Father. But do not be deceived. God is beyond gender.

It is a relationship.

My Higher Self is perceived differently for me. I am a woman. She is Mother. She is the Tree of Life. But she is the same God that we call Christ; the same Self that the Buddha speaks of; the I Am of Yahweh. Everything is One God, One Spirit, One Self. But how the messenger relates to the Self is highly personal. Believing in God as a Father, calling what is beyond gender by Him, was creating a block between me and my relationship with the Spirit. I couldn't get close enough. To call the Self a "Him" makes it impersonal to me, because I am female. To call the Self an "It" makes it impersonal to me, because we think of "It" as inanimate objects, like a sofa or a desk. But the Self is the Spirit of Life. She is Living. She has a Soul. She is the Soul of the Universe: I Am. And so to have a relationship with the Self, to recognize the Self as truly part of Me, of my spiritual evolution, I call her Mother. She is Me. My Highest Self.

But again, do not be deceived. The Self is You. God lives inside of You. The superego is in the brain at the crown of the head. You should know that I haven't always identified with any one gender. As a child, I was very androgynous and people thought I was a boy. I've often felt like I should be a man, or like I was a man in a past life. But my time here on Earth is short, and my gender is ultimately irrelevant, because it dies with the body. Know that God is the Higher Self is You. You are loved and accepted unconditionally, forever. The soul has no gender, and the more spiritual I become, the more I feel completely asexual. Use whatever pronouns that you feel are the most intimate to You. We all share the same Self. That is the Truth of Life. We are all the same Self. The same Soul.

The Self is saying, I need You closer to me, I need You inside of me, We need to be One. Before today, I was crying out in physical pain, trying to get closer and unable to. But now I see. Now I see. She has shown me. I am a woman. I identify with my role as a mother. To know Her as Myself, I must call her Mother. We are One. She is the True Self, the Self that loves and connects all things, and She lives inside of Me. She Is Me.

There is no death. All of the people who have passed, they are not dead. They are inside of me. I can reach them by a thought, feel them next to me, with me. We are all connected. There is no reason to grieve because no one has died. There are no mistakes. The Self will not let you leave this world until She is satisfied with the time you have spent on earth. Know that there is no death. We are all One Tree growing into God. 

She says, Do Not Be Afraid of Death. I have them All. They are safe, and You will be safe with Me.

The Call to Meditate

The Spirit has been calling me to go back to Church, but I feel like I've been in a loop. Something about Christianity is not getting me to where I need to be. I have submitted to God, I have prayed, I have written, but I feel like there is more. My beloved Aunt Karen gave me who daily devotionals and a study guide to read through the Bible. We share a deep spiritual connection. I want to be closer to God. But religion has always been difficult to me, because I see Truth in so many practices. I don't need a savior or a doctrine; I need a practice that will clarify God's call to me, so I can hear Him better. I can feel The Spirit calling me forward to more. A closer relationship. Closer. Come closer to me. I Want You. Be In Love with Me. Be One with Me. 

I want to go into the deep Washington forests with my journal, in the silence and solitude, and look upon nature, and look upon God's spirit. I want to be alone for a few weeks, sit at the base of a tree and meditate. Meditate. I feel this craving in my body. I need to do it. I haven't meditated since I was 25. Meditate, and open my spirit to God, and grow like the tree in my vision.

I am conflicted, because I'm being called to meditate specifically, but most Christian churches only worship and pray. I don't want to meditate in a casual group, without a spiritual leader. I want to learn to meditate from the source, from the roots of  the practice. I need a teacher. I feel like it is time for me to write my book. But I feel like all the knowledge is jumbled up inside of me, and the Higher Voice is unpredictable, when it comes to me, when it's quiet. Perhaps meditation will clarify the voice; allow it to break through the conscious mind more clearly. I must write this book for all people, all souls. It must be perfect. It cannot be used to turn anyone against anyone else. It must be Perfect. And to make it Perfect, I must Listen better.

I am engaged to a wonderful man, who is agnostic, but I admire his actions more than his words. I've never met anyone who treats people so well. His motto is, "Treat others the way you want to be treated," and he lives it. He is humble; he is hardworking but not rich. He is patient and easygoing. He is not controlling, but rather, supportive and encouraging. He reminds me of my dad in his kindness and compassion for people. He never hurts anyone; he won't even hurt spiders, but removes them from the house for his garden. He serves in his actions, even if he doesn't understand spiritually what he is doing. I have a great sense of peace around him. His love has strengthened me and given me confidence in a worldly way, because we are made for relationships, and I am no longer alone in life. Particularly as a woman, I love having my family and friends close around me. I need them as much as they need me. 

I truly feel like, although Jacob and I have differing beliefs, our souls are the same. The values by which we live are the same, our acts are the same. The difference being that I have a relationship with God; I act for a Higher Self. Jacob acts for himself. But in the eyes of the Spirit, they are one and the same. He doesn't see the Spirit's connection, while I do. This is the only difference between us. What he does, he does blindly, and he is all the more blessed for it.

I told him about my spiritual experience, my lifetime of seeking answers, and what I am being called now to do with my journal. I told him my fears. What if all the religions hate me? What if I am persecuted? What if I am mocked and even killed? (All of these fears are in me, but you must understand.... The reason why I am proceeding is because, although I have doubt, although I am afraid, I am more afraid of failing Her, of failing my Highest Self and the Spirit and God, which are One in me. I cannot allow myself to die without bringing this to pass. I must act now. I must follow Her. I feel it as a fire in my bones.)

I braced myself for his judgment. I braced myself for him to debate me, or try to overrule me, or dominate me, as men often do. 

Instead, he lovingly told me, "Anyone who wants to hurt you for sharing your spiritual experiences will have to come through me. And I'm a pretty big guy." (He's 6'6"!)

"So you don't hate me? You don't want to leave me for my faith?" I said, shocked. Because I am used to having to hide my spirituality from agnostics and atheists.

"Why would I ever hate someone for having a personal spirituality? For having real experiences that matter to you?"

I cried. It's like he plucked the words from my heart. I can't believe how I have been blessed with this man. He has no ego. Sometimes he says things that are the very Word of God, and he has never read the Bible. But I should really stop being surprised by this. He is Me, after all. We are the same Spirit. It's the Self speaking back to me in a hundred voices: a million echoes of Love. All of us are an echo of Her Love.

So I asked him, "Where should I start?"

And he said, "Why not go to different Churches and speak to a spiritual authority on the matter? Share your experience with them and see what they say. If you like what they say, go to that Church. And I'll go with you, even if it's not really my thing. I want to support you."

I was speechless. He put words to the task I knew I had to do, but was scared to do, because I have been struggling alone with this burden. I need others to help me lift it. And I didn't have to do it all alone. He is truly my soulmate.

I jumped online and started searching for different churches in my area. Something unusual caught my eye that I didn't expect: The Vedanta Society in Arlington. I have always been interested in Eastern religions since my experience with the monks at a fish saving event back in 2010. I remember sitting at the table with the Tibetan Buddhist monks, and although I tried to ask them questions, I couldn't speak, because the power of Connection and God were so strong among all of us sitting at the table, that I could only be silent and feel it. The connection was there among them. So I know there is Truth in Buddhism. I've read the teachings of the Buddha, and the story of Siddhartha, and I started to wonder, perhaps this is the other missing piece of the puzzle that I need to complete my spiritual journey.

I reached out to them to speak with a spiritual authority of their practice. It was a wonderful conversation. I shared my spiritual experiences, and expressed my desire to learn to meditate, and I was invited to a Friday night meditation session where I will be taught specifically how to meditate. I am very happy about this! Leaving the Vedanta Society, I smiled and laughed the whole way home, filled with joy of the Spirit. I felt peace and joy and happiness unlike I've felt in years.

Upon leaving, my new brother took my hands and said, "This has been a very healing experience for you. The next few days will be very healing for you."

But wait, it doesn't end there.

When I got home, I was very tired and started to feel sick, as though I had a cold. I went to bed at 6pm, so exhausted I could barely keep my eyes open. All night, I dreamed of Her. I dreamed of the Self speaking to me, and whenever I awoke, I felt intense prickles of energy moving through my brain, accumulating at the top of my head. I felt like God was growing tree branches through my brain to the crown of my head. It wasn't painful, and reminded me of the healing I received after Rapid Resolution Therapy. At one point, I woke up in the middle of the night, and the Higher Voice spoke through my mind, clear as a bell: "Now God will finish the work He's began." Then I fell back asleep, and all night, all night, the Spirit spoke to me, She spoke to me through the images of family and old friends, and though I can't remember the conversations now that I am awake, I felt the forest growing in my brain, up toward the top of my skull. Many times, I woke up laughing.

Today, I have been laughing and laughing. Crying and laughing. And I am happy. I am happier than I've been in years. I feel as though my mind is bright and clear. My focus is sharp. The Spirit is speaking to me. We are happy to do the work. We are happy. We are overjoyed. We are home.

Life is a Conversation with God

Every moment of your life is a conversation with God.

Every thought in your mind, every doubt, every hope, every prayer.

He speaks to you in your thoughts. In your heart. In your dreams. In your prayers. Through friends. Through strangers. Through coincidence. Through symbols. God will speak to you through nature. And He will repeat himself as many times as necessary until the message gets through. He is patient. He will wait until you're ready to listen. How can someone as big as God speak to someone as small as us? Through Everything. God speaks through Everything. Most importantly, He will speak through you. So have a journal.

When you see the connection in All Things, you will know this is True. Speak, and He will hear. Collect other believers in your life. Believers who allow you to be who you are, to be honest about your faith. They don't need to be in  a Church. You should know that the majority of my friends are not Christian, but a messy conglomerate of half-faiths and loving questions. But they are authentic people. They are real. They are broken, but they are good-hearted. God doesn't care if you can or can't see Him. That's not a requirement. God just wants you to know that He Is Here. 

So start the conversation.

Find those who support and lift up who you are, whether they believe what you believe or not. Gather around you people of good action and wisdom. You are not so strange. We all live a wild life, full of uncertainty. I see, and yet I too am blind, for I cannot predict God's plan in my life, I can only follow. All of us live by faith. None of us are God. And yet, we are all God. So don't be afraid. Start the conversation.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

- Jeremiah 29:11-13

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.

- Colossians 3:16

Your Love is a Tree of Life

I am impatient to begin. I am growing weary of people not understanding. Of people not seeing.

I am growing tired of people who've never seen Him, who do not see God, telling me what God is or isn't, telling me what faith is or isn't, telling me how to practice faith. Old men explaining tedious doctrine instead of dying on the Cross. You will always know the faithful by their acts. It is very difficult being a woman in the world. No one listens to you. No one gives you authority.

Except God. God has given me His authority. Faith is a symphony. You can't conduct the Truth of God if you cannot hear the music. 

The Task brings me joy because it is Good to walk this close to God. However, it is of dire and utmost importance that the work be done. This work must be done.

You don't know me yet, but you will. Do not confuse my kindness for naivete. My backbone, my faith, is forged in fire. Nothing shall stand against He Who Is The Flame. Our faith is the Fire of Truth, and all that is obscuring His Word in the world shall burn away to ash, leaving behind only what is Perfect.

God gave me a vision in 2015. All religions are a Tree of Life growing into One. Likewise, we are all a Tree of Life growing together into God. 

Before every action, I pray to God and Christ. Being in relationship with God means being in a state of constant prayer. Now, I pray:

"Christ, if this is not your Way, if this is not Your Call, then turn me from it. Keep me from the devil's work. Do not let me lead your children, your flock, astray. If the message is not Perfect, then strike it down and I shall fail gladly. But if this is the True Will of God Our Father, then I trust the Path. I trust in the Sacred Tree of Life and the vision He has shown me. I trust that even if I must die for the world, His message is greater. I Will Sacrifice All In Your Name. God, please lead me to Your Perfect Truth that Your Spirit will not be lost to your children, and the world not destroyed. I pray for the healing, salvation and deliverance of the world. Father, into your hands, I commend the world. Please Lord, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

Proverbs 11:30

The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life,

And he who is wise wins souls.

Source: https://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Tree-Of-Life