Witnessing the Spirit

 I am 33 now. When a child, I understood as a child. Now as an adult, I see faith differently, I see my work differently. Thank God I survived my 20's to reach this place. The Spirit has things to teach me and I am being called back to Church.

* * *

Sometimes God hits you upside the head with a 2x4.

This past Easter Sunday, I was visiting my family in Long Beach, CA. I haven't seen my brother since the beginning of the pandemic, since I moved up to Washington State to find peace and tranquility in the mountains. I've been worried about him. My brother is atheist. Unlike me, who turned to God when our mother died when we were kids, my brother shut his heart to God in anger. 

We got into an argument this past Easter. I have changed a lot this past year and a half, living outside of Los Angeles up in the mountains with extended family. My brother and I used to be very enmeshed, since we are close in age and we lost our parents together, and we went through the same trauma. It was hard to know who I was separate from him, and him from me. I was heartbroken to fight with him. But I saw, in our conflict, that he is very different from me. He is callous, without knowing he is callous. He is hardened, without knowing he is hard. He lacks empathy. His values reflect those of Capitalism and California Liberalism -- materialism has taken root in his heart. 

What we argued about is not important. But what I saw--the shocking thing that I saw--is the difference that happens between two children when they grow up, when one has the Spirit, and the other does not. I saw the stark difference between us. And I realized, in sudden grief, what the Spirit is. I realized, in sudden grief, the true difference between us--he has closed his heart to God.

He does not know the Spirit of God. Somehow, because I was saved so young and so strongly and so individually, I thought everyone had that little voice inside, everyone had that intuition. It was simply a matter of not listening closely enough. I did not realize that, if you have closed your heart, then you do not know it. You do not see it. You are an empty creature ruled by your biology. You are blind to God. There is no instinct or intuition to guide you through life. No way to differentiate between good and evil: what will lead you to real happiness, and what is deception.

I realize now that the Holy Spirit has been teaching me all along. Where the Spirit lives, the Heart is different. Healing only comes from God and the Self. 

My brother has been in therapy for almost 10 years and he is not healed from the trauma of being orphaned. Therapy without the Spirit cannot heal. All healing comes from God.

Now I pray for my brother's salvation, understanding in utmost humility that my sin was pride, and that I fought against my faith because I did not want to be persecuted, I wanted to win status and respect among nonbelievers. I was wrong. I am blessed for no other reason than it was God's gift to me. And how am I supposed to lead others into this relationship if I am not strong in my beliefs? How am I supposed to do God's work if I waver in my faith, if I am wishy-washy with the message? It is not enough to simply say "I believe in something." It is not enough to simply say "My church is in nature." To know Truth, you must submit and forget yourself. I will not be able to save my brother, to bring him back to the Spirit, if I do not stand strong as a woman of faith. And always, always pray for them. Let God do the work. Our prayers shall open the Way. Amen.

You never lose the old, only gain the new.

You never lose the old, only gain the new.

There is no such thing as "getting over it." No such thing as "healing it." There is only that new self, that new life, you build for yourself. Once you live through hell, it always remains in your memory, in the solid bands of strength that define your character. Walking through hell--climbing out of it--defines you. Don't hate or regret it. Just know, no matter how far you think you travel beyond it, it will always be ready to assert itself over your life.

You can only keep moving forward. You can choose to walk away from it, toward joy, toward a good life, toward Heaven and all of God's blessings. You can choose that for yourself. You can do it every day.

Scars remain on the body. A scar is not something fully healed, but a permanent mar, a flaw that might be gruesome and unrelenting. Yet despite all the flaws of the body, the soul continues to grow. With each new period of growth, our soul becomes stronger, wiser, bigger than it used to be. We can move beyond our flaws. Eventually, we grow beyond our scars and move on to better, higher selves. But we will always remember the darkness that made us what we are.

God, why can't I just be thankful?

I am lesser than a blade of grass, because a blade of grass is content to be as you have made it, and I cannot be content in my station. I keep praying and pushing... and when I relax and move with the flow, still I push, because for some of us, we have been waiting already for half of our lives, and we want nothing more than to finally move.

There is a terrible sense of urgency. There is too much that needs to be done. I must remind myself that your pace, at times, is mercifully slow.

Take me there.

Do good deeds, and God will always be in your heart.

Speak kind words, and God will always be in your voice.

Think kind thoughts, and God will always be in your mind.

Be compassionate. Give of yourself without restraint. Always love first.

On this Day in Your Life, God wants you to know...

"... that the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang the best. Do not wait; the time will never be 'just right'. Start where you are, work with whatever is at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along."

To a friend in need...

You are as much My child as Christ. He, too, had to suffer. It is not from Me, but from the silenced and shrouded hearts of Man that evil arises. You are My only resistance, and My gratitude is endless. I will repay your work in endless ways -- but never in ways that will take you from your work.

You may try to be strong... but even at your strongest, you are infinitely fragile to Me. I did not make you to be powerful, but to be weak. It is your nature. Do not despise it. Your strength and only strength lies in surrender.


Because you let me, I will always protect you.

Far be it from me to take your truth from you....

I would consider myself a terrible failure if these writings made even one person doubt their faith. Rather, I would hope that these pages might affirm your truth, no matter where it stems from. I would hope that instead of seeing obstacles, you might find a plethora of light buried in these words, a wide spectrum of love. I would ask that you do not look at the differences between us. Differences are what God made, because God loves to make many countless things. Instead, I would ask you to find what is common; what is permanent between both of us, both of our beliefs, both of our hearts.

If we wanted to unite the world, we could do so right now. Unity has nothing to do with a singular ideology. Unity is in consciousness, in mutual understanding, in reciprocity and respect. If we wanted unity in the world, which some of us very badly do, then the mighty must consent to come down to the weak; the prosperous must bow their heads to the less fortunate; the healers must go out and heal the suffering. Likewise, the weak must not despise the brave; the less fortunate must accept the help of the prosperous; those who are suffering must not blame the healers. We must consent to need each other. We must live beyond ourselves.

It has only ever been the minority who has sacrificed for the greater good. Imagine if it was the majority who moved with a great rush towards love, towards magnanimous action, towards unrivaled generosity. Imagine a world consumed by a love-madness, where all people have a hand to hold, a light to turn on and off, warmth, satisfaction, security. These are things we can give.

I do not know if I will ever be able to give to the world what my heart desires. I do not know if it is by my own limitations, or by God's plan, that I am trapped in my station in life. Perhaps that is my final sacrifice... to let it go, to overcome it. I am far from perfect, I am far from being what God calls me to be....

But I would promise you that a world united is already a reality in my heart: all people, all creeds, all truth. I love all stories of faith, all sacrifice, all meditations and all philosophies, even those that refute God. What is true is true. Ideas are not true. Life is true. Here is true. Now is true.

So when you read these letters... these thoughts, these pages, these murmurs of love... I only ask you to see what is true. I only ask you to see it within me, and to see it within yourself. It is you, dear reader, who is the greatest truth in me, because in you I see a united world; in you I see our greater Self, the most beautiful seed of creation, our loving God and the purpose of my life. I am alive that I might die for you. We are all on a glorious walk into death, into love, into new life... and I would love for you to walk with me....

God's Secrets

People guard secrets. People covet what they have, what they've "earned," what they think they own, what they think is owed to them. People resist sharing in the smallest, most petty ways.

But God doesn't resist. God doesn't want to hide. It is we who hide from God. We are the ones who refuse to listen, who refuse to share our lives with God, our troubles, our worries, or even more importantly, the gifts and abundance God has given us. We have been called on to share, to lift each other up; if you haven't noticed, we were designed this way. No one person can do all things; we have weaknesses, limitations, gaps in our knowledge and understanding. Children need parents. Man needs woman. Mankind, in turn, needs God.

When seeking God's secrets, there is no great need to travel. If you cannot find God in your bedroom, then you will not find Him in Africa, in Europe, over seas or under the earth, or even on the moon. If you cannot see God in yourself, you will not see Him in the world. Do not be consumed by illusions that we create for ourselves, "pretending" to see God in things, forcing ourselves to "know" unity, grabbing onto the concept and beating it into ourselves until we think it is permanent. No idea is permanent. God's secrets are revealed by a union with the Spirit, and this can only be found through prayer, through asking, through a sudden leap of revelation and an awakening of the heart.

Compassion

I do believe that in the spiritual realm, compassion rules all things.

I think compassion is the very essence of God. When I see kindness, generosity, and love that spills over the boarders of convention, love that overflows from the heart and extends to all of those in need, that is where I see God. That is where God comes from inside of me. When the pain of another brings tears to my eyes, and the suffering of another compels me to act, and when the burden of another invites my own arms, this is how I know I am truly of God... because selflessness is something that expands beyond the natural realm. Selflessness is against our baser nature. And yet compassion lives inside of me. Compassion is what drives my life, and compassion is the tool that God gave me.

To judge is human. To forgive is Godly. Christ did not come to judge, but to save all souls. I think this speaks mountains of what God is.

I do not see God in those who would judge the wicked. I see God in those who would die for them.

An Orphan with God

I am a tiny sapling tree and every time we talk about God, I grow a little bit more. Thank you all for sharing your faith with me. :)

Since I became an orphan, an amazing transformation has happened in my life. I am now fearless. Psychologists say that our relationships with our parents form the majority of our identities, and wow, is that ever true. How many people's lives have been ruined by a bad relationship with a mother or father? Well, now my only parent is God, and I have been forced to become who I have always wanted to be.

Before my dad died, my greatest fear was that I would not be strong enough to carry out God's will. I was very emotionally dependent on my father. Everything in my life revolved around him because we had so much in common. We were both writers, both musicians, both deep thinkers in our different ways. His atheism was like a sliver in my side; it caused me to doubt my faith, to make me question what I believed, and whether or not I was strong enough to share my spiritual experiences with the world. Also, fear of his death held me back. I didn't want to travel or leave home because I was afraid of losing precious time with him. Perhaps very deep in my heart, I always knew that he was going to die.

I spoke to God a lot about it... I was encroaching on 20 and I still hadn't progressed enough on my spiritual path. I hadn't reached where I needed to be. I felt like I was floating in a stagnant pool; life was too comfortable and I didn't know how to take the next step. I thought... maybe I am too weak to serve the world. Maybe this is all just a wonderful, fantastical dream, and one day I will be on the other side of the hill and realize that I have lost my chance. When I thought of that, I felt a deep, wallowing despair.

And then my father died, my last surviving parent, and I realized that I had only two choices: sink or swim. I was faced with needing to live on my own and provide for myself, and at the time I didn't even have a job. My father was thousands and thousands of dollars in debt, and to be honest, I still don't know if we will lose this house or not. I had to drop out of school and I thought I would never be able to continue with my education. My vision of the future was erased. Everything changed.

But even as I was standing next to my father's death bed, there was joy in my heart... because I know God very well. Even though everything was ripped away from me, and my life had completely changed, I was finally back on my spiritual path. I knew that if I could handle this, I would be fearless. I would be able to conquer the world. If I could learn to swim by diving into a shark pool, then I could easily tread in the deepest waters. My father's death was God's greatest sign to me. God was saying that my prayers had been heard, and that yes, I was strong enough. My path was exactly what I thought it would be.

Everything since my father's death has been a trial of faith. The jobs I've been able to find in this harsh economy, the scholarship I received to finish college, the blatant signs from God that have shown up on my doorstep... my entire life is one long unfolding miracle. Every day my faith is stronger. I've always known God, and yet now I know God in a different way. Before, I knew the truth of unity, and God's presence in my heart. Now, I can see the power of prayer, and how God works through the hands and feet of other believers. Now I can experience it for myself. I don't say God is my Father because of what we learn in church. I say God is my Father because He is. Because he provides for me as a Father, guides me as a Father, pulls me from the fire and brings me peace. I gave up my parents that I might have this relationship with God, and it is worth it. It is so very, very worth it.

I was once reborn in God... and with my father's death, I am now made new again. I am a child, but I am unafraid of the world. God's passion lives inside of me. I wish I could live every day in silence, sitting in my back yard and listening to God. If I died tomorrow, I know it would be with peace in my heart, having lived a life full of meaning and revelation. We are all so blessed to be here. We are so blessed to be alive.

It's Not a Relationship, it's a Marriage

We can change our minds a thousand times, but real faith never changes, because real faith is simply love. When we can say we are in love with God, it is because God is in love with us. To be in love with God is to make a commitment to God. It's not just a relationship; it's more than that. It's a marriage. A union with God is a promise. It's a promise to never turn away, to never surrender, not in sickness, poverty, or in the deepest suffering -- and God promises to always be there.

And just like a marriage, a union with God has little to do with rituals, baptisms, or similar. Before announcing it to the world, it must be decided upon within the heart. It must be tested with time and hardship. It must be strong to withstand all worldly forces. Our love of God must be set deep in the foundations of our very person. To uproot God from the heart would be to destroy us from the inside out. That is a marriage.

Sometimes I wonder who I would be without God.... I don't have an answer. I have many hobbies, things I like, people I love... but what would really define me? I don't know. I guess it's because my faith gives my life purpose, order, wonder... without these things, I simply wouldn't be myself. I would be a cold stranger. Maybe I would even be dead by now.

I am very happy with who God is creating me to be, even if it means that I will never know my parents as an adult. I'm happy that I found my faith young. I feel that God is making my life a wonderful gift, and the short years I've lived are already irreplaceable. There is a lot to wonder at. The number of revelations we experience has little to do with the events in our lives, and a lot to do with how closely we walk with God. When we commune with God every day, there is a revelation every day. I am in constant dialogue with God, and God has a way of speaking back.

Open communication, constant companionship, mutual respect... yes, this is the true marriage of my heart, and nobody needs to know but God.

Judgement

My aunt once told me that you can't trust people who don't believe in God. She said it's because they don't have a conscience. I kept quiet, but honestly, I was disappointed. I wanted to ask what she really knew about her conscience, because my conscience says that it is wrong to speak badly of others, no matter who they are. Who are we to assume a person's status in the eyes of God?

To speak badly of others is to cause pain, even if our words are never overheard (and guess what? God hears them.) There is enough pain in the world outside of my control; I don't need to add to it. I always feel guilty when I say something needlessly judgmental because I feel like I am letting down God. Treating people negatively gets in the way of my spiritual path. I am very aware of my failings and imperfections, and I too am judged daily. All people deserve to be understood, even if they are not right. All people deserve to be listened to, even if they are not a reliable authority. Love listens, and love isn't concerned with proving anything; love only cares if a person can be healed. When people speak to me of their diverse beliefs and hardships, all I can think of is "How can I show you God?" The only way I can show anyone God is through love.

There are too many who claim to "believe in God" yet live a life of hypocrisy. Look at people's actions. Where there is kindness, there is God. A man who acts purely out of kindness but who doubts God's existence is still doing God's work. And how pleasing is that, to know that there are people who do good for the sake of good, and not for the sake of reward? God notices.

I survive by a deep, abiding love of God, and I am judged for it by religious and non-religious alike. But I know what I have, and I will not pass that judgment onto those of weaker faith. That's not what God made me for. That's not the duty God has given me.

I am not worthy of my life. I am not worthy of being alive. I am not worthy of knowing God. And yet I do. God saved me and I am not worthy, so I have no right to judge.

Submission

Yes, life is predestined.

Yes, all things are known and planned by God.

I think it's a hard mindset for us to accept. I think it takes a true life of trial and submission to really see what God is. But when we take for granted that everything is preplanned, that all things are decided, we begin to see God's presence in everything. We begin to see a logical sequence in our lives.

To say that all things are not predestined is to lessen God's authority in our lives. We must live by faith alone; faith in our path and faith in our Father. It's a joke to think that we're allowed to "create" ourselves. We are partners with God, or we are nothing. Our own desires have little to do with who we are or the lives we live. Those who walk a spiritual path have few desires; that is why we are so overjoyed with our lives. All we desire is what God desires for us.

If you wish to know God, submit to it. Submission and sacrifice are the only way.

The New Age Movement Isn't "New"

My main issue with the New Age movement is its insistence on taking the ancient wisdom found in most major religions and trying to act like it is something "new." Instead of "bodhisattvas," "sidhas,"  "prophets," or "disciples," we now have Indigo Children and Astral Travelers. Different names for the same spiritual beings, yet devoid of the centuries of authority from real prophets, real sidhas, and real Buddhas.

Despite its insistence on being "philosophical" and "scientific," the ideas discussed in most New Age books don't even scratch the surface of the philosophical principles of Greek dialogues, Buddhist tantras or the Christian Bible, and let's not even start on "scientific evidence." There is an entire history of philosophy and theory from all around the world that has been incorrectly jotted down by a few half-educated people and shoved in front of the public eye. These people now want to tell us that if we visualize something, it will happen. The Secret to life is that there is no Big Secret. Truth is everywhere, as is God. Crack open any text from any established religion and you'll begin to see it.  Except that maybe you're not really looking for God. Maybe you're looking for any explanation other than God.

It seems like anyone can write a self-help manual, stick some meditation and chakra aligning techniques in it, talk about spirit guides, and suddenly have a right to speak for God. Well here's what I've learned in my tiny insignificant life -- God's laws don't change just because we change our theories. You want to know the truth in the world? Do what the Buddha and Christ both said -- be good. Goodness brings us to a unity with God. Anything else is an unnecessary distraction. Serve each other. That is the true spiritual path.

Unity and Anointing

I pray for them: I pray not for the world. That they may be one, as those, Father, art in me, and I in Thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that Thou hast sent me. And the glory which thou gavest me I have given Thee, that they may be one, even as we are one.

John 17:19, 21-22

If we are to have unity, if we are to have love, if we are to have a world at peace, we must understand that we are all the same.

The suffering that one feels is the suffering of another. The faith one feels is the faith of another. Are we to condemn our brothers and sisters because they do not speak our own words? Because they do not use our own symbols? When a man in China cries out to the darkness, is it not the same darkness that we all cry to? And when he waits breathlessly for a sign, is it not the same sign that we all seek? Do we not all search for a reason, a justification for our lives? Do we all not feel, on some level, that we are unworthy of it?

To unite a world, we must become bigger than ourselves. We must extend ourselves beyond what we think we know. There is no need to conquer, to convert, to convince; however, there is a great need to love. The enemy is not a matter of words or translation; the enemy is wickedness. The enemy is hate, mistrust, and division. The enemy makes us blind and distracts us by creating physical and ideological barriers; as a servant of God, it is my job to tear those barriers down. There is no barrier for unconditional love.

To create peace in the world, we must begin with ourselves. If we do not have peace in our hearts, how can we have peace in our homes? If we cannot have peace in our homes, how do we have peace in our countries? If we do not have peace with our faith, how can we have peace with the faith of another?

God gave me a task when I was 12. When I was 19, the Spirit of the Lord told me that my work would begin following my father's death. When I was 20, my father died. I am an orphan, I am God's child, I am God's friend, I am a servant to the world.

When Jesus came, he said:

The spirit of the Lord is upon me because He has anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted; To proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, To set at liberty those who are oppressed; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord.

I am not Jesus. However, I, too, have an anointing:

The Spirit of the Lord has assigned me the task of strengthening the faith of others, shielding the broken, teaching the ignorant, and destroying the barriers of race, culture, and religion. I am here to bring peace to the world. I am here to live a life of servitude and love. I am here to bring unity.

I know I am not the only one with this anointing. The entire world is moving toward unity. What is the road that God will have me walk? I do not know. However, I know that I am on it because all that the Spirit has promised me has come to pass. I am unsure of how great my part will be. Will I have a violin solo, or shall I be a conductor? Will I be a lonely flutist in the back row? Who knows, perhaps I have already filled my task and I shall die tomorrow. I do not know, but with every breath I feel God's voice in my lungs and I willingly bow my head to the divine. I follow Jesus. I love God. I despise evil. I do God's work. My life is genuine and so is my faith. Let's tear down our barriers today in the name of love. Let's create a united world.

God is...

GOD IS....


1) Love.

2) Silence.

3) Peace.

4) Compassion.

5) Generosity.

6) Wisdom.

7) Patience.

8) One.

9) Everything.

10) You.

Residing in God, you feel it in everything, you see it in everyone, you are disgusted by anger, moved by compassion, aware of your own imperfections, and lovingly obedient to the spirit of the world. God is a center of peace, an iron bar of light that never wavers, overflowing abundance, sweetness, beauty, and joy. We are in the process of creation. God didn't create the universe -- He is creating the universe. God didn't make you -- he is making you.

God is found in all religions. God is spoken of by all saints and prophets. What I say here has been said before and will be said again. God is everything. God is unity. God is love.

To denounce other religions is to create division. This is against God.

To judge others is to create division. This is against God.

To accuse others of a lack of faith creates division. This is against God.

It is by our actions that we are judged, not by what we declare with our mouths, but by what we do with our hands.

If you create negativity, if you create division, if you spread malice, if you presume to know the faults in others, this is against God. God Is. God doesn't need a correct interpretation. True prophets know God outside of religion. True prophets know God from the heart, and the heart alone. I will not put my trust in anything but God and prayer, for God teaches us through nature, through the very years of our life. God is creating me to be what I am, as He is creating you. When we die, it is because we are complete.

Contending with Horses

I have been given hardships this past year that should break me. But, as always, faith prevails.


My sufferings do not make sense to my friends or family. Over and over I hear, "I am so sorry. There must be a reason for this, there has to be, but I just can't think of it. Why be orphaned. Why be faced with lawsuits. Why would God do this to a kind soul?" But they don't understand. When I was young, I asked to serve the world. I prayed to be a savior. I told God this is what I want. By giving me this path, God is not punishing me. God is telling me I am strong enough. God is answering my prayers.


I am unafraid, because God is with me. I am God's child. I am God's love. I am, in all of my imperfections, a humble piece of God, and God lives inside of me. See, I know exactly where God is taking me, and that is why my suffering brings me joy. I will suffer. And in the end, I shall be strong enough to carry the entire world.


God is teaching me. We are growing, and one day, We shall prevail.


"If thou hast wearied with running with footmen, how canst thou contend with horses? and if thou hast been secure in a land of peace, what wilt thou do in the swelling of the Jordan?" Jeremiah 12:5

My Faith, and Why

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."

 -Matthew 5:8 

"If then your whole body is flooded with light, and no corner of it is darkness, it will be completely illuminated as when a lamp's rays engulf you." 

 -Luke 11:36

So I always resist writing about this event because I cannot fully explain it.

It has been the defining moment of my short life, and I know, no matter how long I live, that it will always be the most defining moment. You see, you have to understand that I was raised an atheist. There was no religious dogma or ideology in my house. My feeble grasps at God began as ventures into fantasy writing, palm readings, tarot, and a fascination with the arcane. I wanted the unexplainable to be true. But logically, I knew it couldn't be. I knew that ghosts, magic, and psychic powers were all just things of fancy. But I wanted it. Because I was so young, I couldn't identify my longings. I just knew that something was out there, something was missing, my family's explanations of life were logical and yet not fulfilling. I needed to find an answer that was substantial and satisfying.

When I was 10, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. That year, I moved 2000 miles away from her to be raised by my father, who had previously been absent in my life. My parents were not divorced, but because of financial circumstances, my father had to work in Los Angeles, CA while my mother lived in Washington state. The move was a hard one. I had never been separated from my mother before and I missed her sorely. At the same time, I was rejected by the children at my new school because I was shy, androgynous, and didn't know anything about the LA lifestyle.

I was isolated. My mother's cancer ate away at her until she died two years later, when I was 12. By this time, I still identified as atheist, but I had been frantically searching for a meaning in all of the emotional hardship and life changes around me. I knew there had to be an answer, and countless times I had prayed and cried out to God, but never had there been a reply, and I was angry and unconvinced. I sought out religious friends and argued with them until they couldn't stand me anymore. Some still don't speak to me.

When my mother finally died, although it happened 2000 miles away from me, I was awash with guilt. I blamed myself for wasting the time I had had left with her. I also blamed myself for her death, because I hadn't prayed or asked God to save her life (this is a child's logic... but it was also a very real emotion that arose from my heart.) I knew it made no real sense, and yet the guilt ate away at me like a wild thing. I couldn't help but feel like if I had done something different, anything different, I could have saved her.

About three weeks after her death, the guilt and misery reached a breaking point. I was sitting on my bedroom floor attempting to read a fantasy novel that centered around Celtic mythology, and I remember that I couldn't focus. I put the book down. I fell to my knees as a crashing wave of guilt and sorrow swelled through me, and I cried out -- God, I am sorry. God, please forgive me! I need You!

At that moment, a force rushed through me that I could only describe as lightning. I cried out, and a wave of purity blasted through me, so powerful that I couldn't breathe. I opened my eyes, and I could feel love everywhere, the most divine, perfect love that I could ever perceive, so perfect that it was beyond comprehension, beyond name. The force of that love was so strong that it made me feel like I was exploding, like if it was any stronger then I would die from it. Then suddenly I was aware of an overwhelming consciousness, a presence in everything around me, as though I had been swallowed by the most beautiful music.

I looked down at the book, and threw it away from me, for the very thought of fantasy and polytheism suddenly disgusted me. The thought of atheism and man's lonely existence disgusted me. The disgust I felt was beyond physical; it was the knowledge of suddenly seeing God, of feeling God all around me and inside of me, and realizing how very wrong everything was. I stood up and went into my living room, awed by my new eyes, and looked out of my living room window. I was struck a second time by the intense presence of God, because as I looked outside and saw the trees, the grass, the sky, the cement -- I felt an intense connection in everything. God was everywhere. He was in the air, in the water, in the couch beneath me and the lungs I breathed with. Everything was connected. It was connected by perfect, divine love, and it was all in front of me.

That love changed something inside of me. It became me. I was, in every meaning of the word, reborn. My eyes were new, my thoughts were new, the world was new. I sat and breathed God and knew my source, and knew that this love was my most divine purpose; that somehow, I was seeing beyond the physical, and that everything was united and created through love. An overwhelming compassion filled me. I wanted to give this love to others. I wanted to do anything to stop people from suffering. I wanted to serve. I knew that my richest, most rewarding purpose was to serve others, to serve God, and I no longer had a choice. God's love was so powerful inside of me that to act against it made me feel physically ill.

You have to understand that I was only 12. I couldn't put it into words... and who would believe me? It was a strange sensation; I felt like God wanted me to speak, but every time I would try, people's rejection would hurt too much. I was still very sensitive. I told my father that I believed in God, but he brushed it off as a symptom of grief. It would be three years before I told anyone again about my experience. I felt like I had been given a secret, and it was easier to keep it to myself than to suffer through the misunderstandings of others.

At first I thought that everyone who believed in God must have had the same intense awakening as I did (because what else did they believe in, exactly?). It took a long time, but I slowly came to realize that the people around me, even the kinder ones, even the heavily religious ones, were in many ways oblivious to what I continued to see. I grew up in an uncomfortable in-between; knowing God in everything around me and my own heart, yet unable to fold myself into a religious ideology, because I couldn't stand the hypocrisy of most believers. I prayed nightly for God to be my teacher, and show me the truth of the world. I prayed nightly to show the world God's truth. With the fervency of a child, I prayed for God to show me how to heal the world.

I am Christian now, but I can't accept that there is only one way to understand faith. I read the teachings of Christ when I was 16 and I have been baptized since, but I still feel that the purity of my experience with God far surpasses anything else, and I understand that this experience has been written about in all religions. I see the effects of God's presence constantly in my life. In fact, He has made my life. He has created the person I am.

So when I speak of God, please listen, because my faith is genuine. God made me the way I am for a reason. We are all connected. Everything is connected. This journal is not meant to be read as a permanent ultimatum or new doctrine; this journal, rather, is a journey of faith, a documentation of my spiritual growth and understanding of God. I mean this journal to inspire you, whether you are Buddhist, Hindu, Christian, Catholic, or any of the other countless doctrines that exist in the world. This journal is, in fact, my heart, and is written with sincerity and love. I will never hide anything from you; not my doubts, my conflicts, my mistakes or my hiccups of faith. Here I am, I am not perfect, but I am happy to share God with you, because He has given me the gift of writing and the grace of knowing Him, and I would like to share my faith with the world.

I am simply, humbly, reverently defined by God's love, and my only desire is to love you the same way.

"He who experiences the unity of life sees his own Self in all beings, and all beings in his own Self, and looks on everything with an impartial eye." ~Buddha 

"God is LOVE. Whoever lives in LOVE lives in God, and God in him." 1 John 4:16 

 “Unity is divinity; purity is enlightenment." ~Sri Sathya Sai

"The soul can split the sky in two and let the face of God shine through." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay 

"When I saw others straining toward God, I did not understand it, for though I may have had him less than they did, there was no one blocking the way between him and me, and I could reach his heart easily.  It is up to him, after all, to have us, our part consists of almost solely in letting him grasp us."  ~Rainer Maria Rilke

"God is not what you imagine or what you think you understand.  If you understand you have failed."  ~Saint Augustine 

Love Letters II

I am so thankful to belong to you.

Although I know I can never be you, I can try. I know you would not have me as anything other than myself, yet I yearn to be more. What else is the soul to crave, once it has tasted perfection?

You knew when we would meet, and that eventually, I would have no one else but you. In every step of my life, you knew me, and I have been blessed to know you. There's no need to make it complicated. In fact, there is a great need in this world to make things simple. I love you because you love me. I need you because you are the only thing that's real.

Where I go, you go. Where you go, I go. Your plans are my plans, because they bring me joy. Because it is not about where we go when we die or the rewards we get. It's about living with you. It's about having this one life with you, to share. The idea of nonexistence after death does not settle with the heart, and yet I cannot imagine what Heaven could be, and I do not believe in Hell. I would have my Heaven here and now with you, where I know you exist. I would not wait to become nothing.

Happy Baptism

God sends me balloons. :)



Received this in my back yard a week before my baptism. It was stuck under a bush near my back fence. It says "Happy Baptism" in Spanish. No one knew I was going to get baptized.