From Louis de Wohl's "The Restless Flame"
From Louis de Wohl's
The Restless Flame: A Novel about Saint Augustine:
"Did you observe," asked Augustine, "that this man did not care at all whether we admired him or not? Nor did he want any money from us, although he was dressed in rags and we must have appeared to him like imperial princes in comparison. This man was happy! Are we?"
Nebridius frowned a little. "surely it matters what a man is happy about," he said. "This beggar found joy in his drunkenness. You are seeking it in...."
"Glory," put in Augustine "But what glory? Is it in any way a truer glory than the one [this drunk beggar] has found, hiccuping, belching, and dancing? Am I not as drunk as he is, belching idiotic praise [when giving speeches] for a crowned nobody? And the glory I seek may turn my head as much as the wine has turned his. But he at least is happy - he is walking on clouds - I only pretend I am."
"Tomorrow he will wake up with a heavy head," said Alypius.
"And so do I, every morning - without having been happy at all. My desires spur me on, and I drag the load of my unhappiness and make it worse by dragging it. And where does it lead, all that striving? We hope it will lead to some sort of happiness without care; the beggar has achieved the same goal before me - and I - you and I - may never reach it at all. For the very thing that he has attained by a few pieces of copper, begged I darsay from passersby, I am plotting wearily day after day."
"Would you change with him, then?" asked Nebridius.
"No, I wouldn't," said Augustine. "And that is just the absurdity of it. I ought to, by all the rules of logic. What is the good of saying to myself that I am more learned than he is, since my learning only goes to serve the applause of men as insincere as I am myself?"
I understand, somewhat, the argument put forth here, but I can't buy any of it. This St. Augustine guy had a problem. From what I know, which is not a lot, he was a womanizer and drunk before finding God, and he sounds like a dry drunk here.
ReplyDeleteI've been an alcoholic, and underneath that supposed happiness is sickness and pain.
And if he is pretending, then what real relationship does he have with the Creator?
No alcoholic is happy. Unless you identify him with the statement: "Been down so long it looks like up to me."
The only real happiness is spiritual, drinking the wine of love.
In the book, this segment was written when he was still a womanizing alcoholic. I thought it was interesting how he likens his thirst for power with a third for alcohol. The following struck a chord with me: "And where does it lead, all that striving?" Why do we try so hard? Why do we try so hard to live, to get somewhere, to achieve something or learn... to go and go and go...
ReplyDeletelike chasing the wind.... :)
That helps me fathom his statements to know that it was before his rebirth.
ReplyDeleteYet, from what I know of St. Augustine wasn't he the architect of the idea of original sin. Only a person who hates himself and still holds onto the old self would come up with such a doctrine. He must have had a secret desire to be that womanizer and drunk all his life.