Confessions VI

God blows on His hand, and says, Now.

And a fine wind moves across the valley, circling and spinning, picking up pollen, thrusting through flowers....

And inevitably, a seed is sparked....

And we have a sense, looking back, that everything was heading to something, and we might just be in that place now, that hidden knell, where we are supposed to be--and it all might be simpler than we think. The first step was the hardest--walking with uncertainty--yet the second seems to follow....

Is it time?

And God says, Heed me now, for you are young, but your desires are great. The greater your desires, the greater your failure; so by all means young one, fail, because in that you will find weakness, humility, strength of character. You will become detached from the world, solid on your own two feet....

And I say, that in all ways I am stubborn. You know my rebellious nature. I will continue this path for my lifetime, and if it leads to naught, then I was not what you asked of me. And if I fail, I will suffer for it, and bear that suffering gladly. For I knew from the start I was not worthy. I followed the sanction of my heart, and resided where I was most at peace, and if this is not Your way, then I am a failure, and I was never meant to be your child.

Dear God, you know I can do better.

And I know you can make use of me as I am.

Confessions IV

God, it is all so hard, you make me want to hide in your walls, under your bench, and never crawl out again.

I am burying myself in your fields, Lord.

It isn't healthy to smother ourselves, but sometimes that's all we can do. Sitting still is too painful, and when we are still, we feel all of the motion inside of us, the unending surges of grief and hope, of longing and despair, frustration as we try to understand ourselves and why we feel like we are drowning.

But we are drowning with You, Lord. You made this ocean.

Oh Lord of my Heart -- why bring me to my knees when I am already upon them in prayer?

Confessions III

I sincerely want to live the rest of my life practicing all of God's ways. Christ, I want to be to the world what you were. I want to save them as you saved them.


What is a baptism? It can't possibly be just one isolated event. God's baptism, that of the heart, happens over and over again. It is like walking up a long, slow staircase. Each time we put a foot down, we have a new peace, a new understanding of our place in His work. 


He fills us with what we can carry. He fills us again and again. And the cup deepens.


Some of us wade into the ocean up to our ankles. Some of us wade up to our knees, our waists. God, I want to tread water. Eventually, Christ, I would like to walk as You walked, pace back and forth across the ocean knowing my Father's hands are around me. I will be His adopted child, His smallest flower, His wild thing of faith.


I do not think there is shame in wanting this. I do not think it is blasphemous. I think only God can know my sincerity, and if God planted these desires in my heart, then I only pray that He fulfill them. I do not know what that will mean. I do not know the road. But even if it strips everything from me, as it already has... even if I am brought to my knees again and again, and made to crawl... I will not change my mind. God has graced me with His innocence and insurmountable courage. God has given me His Heart and Armor.

I have seen His mountains, and I will not turn away.

Confessions II

And sometimes, we let people go.


It's always for the best. 


It doesn't always make sense why God brings certain people into our lives, and then ushers them out, as though they were only meant to be displayed for a short while. At times it feels like nails being pried from an old board. We want to grasp others and hold them still... but as St. Therese of Lisieux once said, life is separation, and we must learn to happily let go.

I allow people to effect me. For every person I meet, I watch for God's message, for what God wants me to see. And then, when I have seen what needs to be seen, God has a way of taking people away.


I don't resent God for this. I have left behind many who I felt were impinging my personal growth. But it doesn't stop the decision from hurting, and it doesn't keep us from loneliness. I often wonder if Christ was lonely; I know he must have been, doing all of his work by himself, with all odds against him. 

We outgrow some, while others outgrow us... and yet, there is always a sense of abandonment, a feeling of being left behind, even when it is by choice. I have said my share of harsh words and dealt with situations perhaps in the worst ways... but my goodwill has never left those who I've left behind. My heart does not linger, but is always inviting. Anyone may walk with me -- but walk I must, and it is they who choose not to stay by my side.