The Call to Meditate

The Spirit has been calling me to go back to Church, but I feel like I've been in a loop. Something about Christianity is not getting me to where I need to be. I have submitted to God, I have prayed, I have written, but I feel like there is more. My beloved Aunt Karen gave me who daily devotionals and a study guide to read through the Bible. We share a deep spiritual connection. I want to be closer to God. But religion has always been difficult to me, because I see Truth in so many practices. I don't need a savior or a doctrine; I need a practice that will clarify God's call to me, so I can hear Him better. I can feel The Spirit calling me forward to more. A closer relationship. Closer. Come closer to me. I Want You. Be In Love with Me. Be One with Me. 

I want to go into the deep Washington forests with my journal, in the silence and solitude, and look upon nature, and look upon God's spirit. I want to be alone for a few weeks, sit at the base of a tree and meditate. Meditate. I feel this craving in my body. I need to do it. I haven't meditated since I was 25. Meditate, and open my spirit to God, and grow like the tree in my vision.

I am conflicted, because I'm being called to meditate specifically, but most Christian churches only worship and pray. I don't want to meditate in a casual group, without a spiritual leader. I want to learn to meditate from the source, from the roots of  the practice. I need a teacher. I feel like it is time for me to write my book. But I feel like all the knowledge is jumbled up inside of me, and the Higher Voice is unpredictable, when it comes to me, when it's quiet. Perhaps meditation will clarify the voice; allow it to break through the conscious mind more clearly. I must write this book for all people, all souls. It must be perfect. It cannot be used to turn anyone against anyone else. It must be Perfect. And to make it Perfect, I must Listen better.

I am engaged to a wonderful man, who is agnostic, but I admire his actions more than his words. I've never met anyone who treats people so well. His motto is, "Treat others the way you want to be treated," and he lives it. He is humble; he is hardworking but not rich. He is patient and easygoing. He is not controlling, but rather, supportive and encouraging. He reminds me of my dad in his kindness and compassion for people. He never hurts anyone; he won't even hurt spiders, but removes them from the house for his garden. He serves in his actions, even if he doesn't understand spiritually what he is doing. I have a great sense of peace around him. His love has strengthened me and given me confidence in a worldly way, because we are made for relationships, and I am no longer alone in life. Particularly as a woman, I love having my family and friends close around me. I need them as much as they need me. 

I truly feel like, although Jacob and I have differing beliefs, our souls are the same. The values by which we live are the same, our acts are the same. The difference being that I have a relationship with God; I act for a Higher Self. Jacob acts for himself. But in the eyes of the Spirit, they are one and the same. He doesn't see the Spirit's connection, while I do. This is the only difference between us. What he does, he does blindly, and he is all the more blessed for it.

I told him about my spiritual experience, my lifetime of seeking answers, and what I am being called now to do with my journal. I told him my fears. What if all the religions hate me? What if I am persecuted? What if I am mocked and even killed? (All of these fears are in me, but you must understand.... The reason why I am proceeding is because, although I have doubt, although I am afraid, I am more afraid of failing Her, of failing my Highest Self and the Spirit and God, which are One in me. I cannot allow myself to die without bringing this to pass. I must act now. I must follow Her. I feel it as a fire in my bones.)

I braced myself for his judgment. I braced myself for him to debate me, or try to overrule me, or dominate me, as men often do. 

Instead, he lovingly told me, "Anyone who wants to hurt you for sharing your spiritual experiences will have to come through me. And I'm a pretty big guy." (He's 6'6"!)

"So you don't hate me? You don't want to leave me for my faith?" I said, shocked. Because I am used to having to hide my spirituality from agnostics and atheists.

"Why would I ever hate someone for having a personal spirituality? For having real experiences that matter to you?"

I cried. It's like he plucked the words from my heart. I can't believe how I have been blessed with this man. He has no ego. Sometimes he says things that are the very Word of God, and he has never read the Bible. But I should really stop being surprised by this. He is Me, after all. We are the same Spirit. It's the Self speaking back to me in a hundred voices: a million echoes of Love. All of us are an echo of Her Love.

So I asked him, "Where should I start?"

And he said, "Why not go to different Churches and speak to a spiritual authority on the matter? Share your experience with them and see what they say. If you like what they say, go to that Church. And I'll go with you, even if it's not really my thing. I want to support you."

I was speechless. He put words to the task I knew I had to do, but was scared to do, because I have been struggling alone with this burden. I need others to help me lift it. And I didn't have to do it all alone. He is truly my soulmate.

I jumped online and started searching for different churches in my area. Something unusual caught my eye that I didn't expect: The Vedanta Society in Arlington. I have always been interested in Eastern religions since my experience with the monks at a fish saving event back in 2010. I remember sitting at the table with the Tibetan Buddhist monks, and although I tried to ask them questions, I couldn't speak, because the power of Connection and God were so strong among all of us sitting at the table, that I could only be silent and feel it. The connection was there among them. So I know there is Truth in Buddhism. I've read the teachings of the Buddha, and the story of Siddhartha, and I started to wonder, perhaps this is the other missing piece of the puzzle that I need to complete my spiritual journey.

I reached out to them to speak with a spiritual authority of their practice. It was a wonderful conversation. I shared my spiritual experiences, and expressed my desire to learn to meditate, and I was invited to a Friday night meditation session where I will be taught specifically how to meditate. I am very happy about this! Leaving the Vedanta Society, I smiled and laughed the whole way home, filled with joy of the Spirit. I felt peace and joy and happiness unlike I've felt in years.

Upon leaving, my new brother took my hands and said, "This has been a very healing experience for you. The next few days will be very healing for you."

But wait, it doesn't end there.

When I got home, I was very tired and started to feel sick, as though I had a cold. I went to bed at 6pm, so exhausted I could barely keep my eyes open. All night, I dreamed of Her. I dreamed of the Self speaking to me, and whenever I awoke, I felt intense prickles of energy moving through my brain, accumulating at the top of my head. I felt like God was growing tree branches through my brain to the crown of my head. It wasn't painful, and reminded me of the healing I received after Rapid Resolution Therapy. At one point, I woke up in the middle of the night, and the Higher Voice spoke through my mind, clear as a bell: "Now God will finish the work He's began." Then I fell back asleep, and all night, all night, the Spirit spoke to me, She spoke to me through the images of family and old friends, and though I can't remember the conversations now that I am awake, I felt the forest growing in my brain, up toward the top of my skull. Many times, I woke up laughing.

Today, I have been laughing and laughing. Crying and laughing. And I am happy. I am happier than I've been in years. I feel as though my mind is bright and clear. My focus is sharp. The Spirit is speaking to me. We are happy to do the work. We are happy. We are overjoyed. We are home.

Life is a Conversation with God

Every moment of your life is a conversation with God.

Every thought in your mind, every doubt, every hope, every prayer.

He speaks to you in your thoughts. In your heart. In your dreams. In your prayers. Through friends. Through strangers. Through coincidence. Through symbols. God will speak to you through nature. And He will repeat himself as many times as necessary until the message gets through. He is patient. He will wait until you're ready to listen. How can someone as big as God speak to someone as small as us? Through Everything. God speaks through Everything. Most importantly, He will speak through you. So have a journal.

When you see the connection in All Things, you will know this is True. Speak, and He will hear. Collect other believers in your life. Believers who allow you to be who you are, to be honest about your faith. They don't need to be in  a Church. You should know that the majority of my friends are not Christian, but a messy conglomerate of half-faiths and loving questions. But they are authentic people. They are real. They are broken, but they are good-hearted. God doesn't care if you can or can't see Him. That's not a requirement. God just wants you to know that He Is Here. 

So start the conversation.

Find those who support and lift up who you are, whether they believe what you believe or not. Gather around you people of good action and wisdom. You are not so strange. We all live a wild life, full of uncertainty. I see, and yet I too am blind, for I cannot predict God's plan in my life, I can only follow. All of us live by faith. None of us are God. And yet, we are all God. So don't be afraid. Start the conversation.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

- Jeremiah 29:11-13

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.

- Colossians 3:16

Your Love is a Tree of Life

I am impatient to begin. I am growing weary of people not understanding. Of people not seeing.

I am growing tired of people who've never seen Him, who do not see God, telling me what God is or isn't, telling me what faith is or isn't, telling me how to practice faith. Old men explaining tedious doctrine instead of dying on the Cross. You will always know the faithful by their acts. It is very difficult being a woman in the world. No one listens to you. No one gives you authority.

Except God. God has given me His authority. Faith is a symphony. You can't conduct the Truth of God if you cannot hear the music. 

The Task brings me joy because it is Good to walk this close to God. However, it is of dire and utmost importance that the work be done. This work must be done.

You don't know me yet, but you will. Do not confuse my kindness for naivete. My backbone, my faith, is forged in fire. Nothing shall stand against He Who Is The Flame. Our faith is the Fire of Truth, and all that is obscuring His Word in the world shall burn away to ash, leaving behind only what is Perfect.

God gave me a vision in 2015. All religions are a Tree of Life growing into One. Likewise, we are all a Tree of Life growing together into God. 

Before every action, I pray to God and Christ. Being in relationship with God means being in a state of constant prayer. Now, I pray:

"Christ, if this is not your Way, if this is not Your Call, then turn me from it. Keep me from the devil's work. Do not let me lead your children, your flock, astray. If the message is not Perfect, then strike it down and I shall fail gladly. But if this is the True Will of God Our Father, then I trust the Path. I trust in the Sacred Tree of Life and the vision He has shown me. I trust that even if I must die for the world, His message is greater. I Will Sacrifice All In Your Name. God, please lead me to Your Perfect Truth that Your Spirit will not be lost to your children, and the world not destroyed. I pray for the healing, salvation and deliverance of the world. Father, into your hands, I commend the world. Please Lord, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

Proverbs 11:30

The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life,

And he who is wise wins souls.

Source: https://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Tree-Of-Life

Serving

Why did I ever think I didn't need God when there is still so much healing left to be done in the world?

It's so easy to draw close to the Lord in times of trial. When we are desperate, when we need hope. But what about the trials or others? They too need prayer. They too need your faith. Our work is never done. Your period of peace may coincide with a friend going through great hardship. Pray for them. Help them. God gave you peace that you might invest your spiritual work in helping and lifting others. We are the light in the world. 

You should know I never preach to anyone. I only give love and support and friendship. Inevitably, during these interactions, I've had many ask me if I believe in God, or they begin spontaneously speaking of God. Others will know you by your actions and by the light in your spirit. It is not our place to preach. It is only our task to serve in humility, and not boast, for not even we can be certain of God's plan.

Witnessing the Spirit

 I am 33 now. When a child, I understood as a child. Now as an adult, I see faith differently, I see my work differently. Thank God I survived my 20's to reach this place. The Spirit has things to teach me and I am being called back to Church.

* * *

Sometimes God hits you upside the head with a 2x4.

This past Easter Sunday, I was visiting my family in Long Beach, CA. I haven't seen my brother since the beginning of the pandemic, since I moved up to Washington State to find peace and tranquility in the mountains. I've been worried about him. My brother is atheist. Unlike me, who turned to God when our mother died when we were kids, my brother shut his heart to God in anger. 

We got into an argument this past Easter. I have changed a lot this past year and a half, living outside of Los Angeles up in the mountains with extended family. My brother and I used to be very enmeshed, since we are close in age and we lost our parents together, and we went through the same trauma. It was hard to know who I was separate from him, and him from me. I was heartbroken to fight with him. But I saw, in our conflict, that he is very different from me. He is callous, without knowing he is callous. He is hardened, without knowing he is hard. He lacks empathy. His values reflect those of Capitalism and California Liberalism -- materialism has taken root in his heart. 

What we argued about is not important. But what I saw--the shocking thing that I saw--is the difference that happens between two children when they grow up, when one has the Spirit, and the other does not. I saw the stark difference between us. And I realized, in sudden grief, what the Spirit is. I realized, in sudden grief, the true difference between us--he has closed his heart to God.

He does not know the Spirit of God. Somehow, because I was saved so young and so strongly and so individually, I thought everyone had that little voice inside, everyone had that intuition. It was simply a matter of not listening closely enough. I did not realize that, if you have closed your heart, then you do not know it. You do not see it. You are an empty creature ruled by your biology. You are blind to God. There is no instinct or intuition to guide you through life. No way to differentiate between good and evil: what will lead you to real happiness, and what is deception.

I realize now that the Holy Spirit has been teaching me all along. Where the Spirit lives, the Heart is different. Healing only comes from God and the Self. 

My brother has been in therapy for almost 10 years and he is not healed from the trauma of being orphaned. Therapy without the Spirit cannot heal. All healing comes from God.

Now I pray for my brother's salvation, understanding in utmost humility that my sin was pride, and that I fought against my faith because I did not want to be persecuted, I wanted to win status and respect among nonbelievers. I was wrong. I am blessed for no other reason than it was God's gift to me. And how am I supposed to lead others into this relationship if I am not strong in my beliefs? How am I supposed to do God's work if I waver in my faith, if I am wishy-washy with the message? It is not enough to simply say "I believe in something." It is not enough to simply say "My church is in nature." To know Truth, you must submit and forget yourself. I will not be able to save my brother, to bring him back to the Spirit, if I do not stand strong as a woman of faith. And always, always pray for them. Let God do the work. Our prayers shall open the Way. Amen.

Life is Flow

Everything in life is flow.

I used to think that I needed to arrive somewhere. Arrive at a perfect faith, Truth or a philosophy that would be all conclusive, completely encompassing, feel right, and "be right" for the rest of my life. But that is not life. Life is about growth. Faith is complicated. It is not simple. 

To "Arrive" implies that someday our journey is going to end. But, the more I observe the world, the more I believe that the idea of "endings" is socially constructed... and does not actually exist in nature. If you sit and observe nature, if you study science and spirituality, you will find that nothing actually ends. Everything flows into something else. Everything recycles. Everything grows, and even death is simply a temporary transforming of matter into a new state of matter; energy into a new state of energy. We are simply specks of the Organic riding a wave of evolution into a tidal future. This is how the Self has created us. Not to be perfect, but to be, in whatever state that means.

So I think, now, that there will not be a permanent solution to my problem. I will not find a perfect religion. I am concerned that in our fight to uphold an ancient religion like Christianity, the truth of the Self, of consciousness, of God's presence in your heart, will be lost, because it will not adapt to the needs of our new generation. But then, perhaps not. There will always be those like me who will guide others to it. 

Societies were always meant to change and evolve. Everything in nature evolves. It cannot stay rigid, or else it will perish and cease to survive. It is natural to have an ungrounded spirituality that changes, adapts and fluctuates. But, ground yourself in Love and good actions, ground yourself in your morality, plant your house in the foundations of Faith, and your house will not fall.

And so I return to my initial thought in this post -- everything in life is flow.

Everything must be allowed to grow and change.

Parts of our personality, our perception of God and The Self, our philosophies and our values will continue to flow and change, from one phase of our life into the next.

The important thing is to remain malleable. To keep a broad mindset that no social construct can come between you and your spiritual journey. To stay open and receptive to other people's realities and experiences. To always question the nature of God, to always seek unity with the Self, and to always seek truth inside of this beautiful, conscious reality. Yes, community is important as we are social creatures, so we must have community. But for truth, pray in your bedroom. Commune on a personal, private level. Seek truth in nature. Allow yourself to always question, and don't be afraid of questioning. Learn to see God in everything. The Spirit of Life, The Self, will not leave you just because you ask questions. The Self wants you to seek. She's waiting for you to know Her. She already knows the date and the time. She is waiting for you to awaken, like a hatchling bird in Spring breaking through its blue egg. Seek her blindly. Seek her soulfully. Do not give up.

But also, try to be at peace with the road as much as possible, and maintain a balance. Remain open to the ancient teachings and wisdoms of religion. Religious teachers help us grow; do not denounce their help, unless they are truly dogmatic, rigid and abusive. 

I do believe Christianity needs an overhaul to better suit the needs of our current society and generation. God does not ask us to remain stuck in the past. God asks us to grow. Life is flow.

2 Peter 1:5-8

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6 and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7 and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. 8 For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

My Life in Christ - Pandemic 2021

What is necessary for peace? Living life not to fix a problem, but to enjoy a moment. No longer grasping for control, but surrendering to His will and His path. Finally, finally, finally listening to that voice in my heart that told me to go, told me where to go, and I resisted because it seemed so out of reach, so futile, so impractical. But finally, in the midst of the pandemic, I followed. 

I made a decision in April 2020 that I was finished living in Los Angeles, CA. For all of my life, since a child, I yearned to return to the deep forest mysteries of Washington State. I grew up in Marysville, WA before moving to Los Angeles when I was 10, and I never felt like I fully acclimated to the superficial lifestyle. I do not think LA is truly home to anyone; the city is not friend to anyone, and living a spiritual life in such a materialistic culture causes a great sense of friction in the heart and mind. The dissonance causes a deep, listless sense of dissatisfaction in my heart. A depression, an anxiety and a sense of being disconnected from myself--a sense of being lost and confused, my life sewn with doubt. Surrounded by millions of people, the loneliness of the big city is indescribable. The lack of authenticity or genuine connection. The constant distraction of cell phones, cars, ads, construction, traffic, career, networking, go go go. I could feel my body dying, my spirit withering even as it struggled to bloom. 

I always felt that the Entertainment industry was evil, and working in it did not open my mind or make me more tolerant of LA, but only proved to me how soul-killing it could be. Long hours, little gratification, no spiritual reward, no service to our fellow man. A recipe for bitterness and regret.

So I prayed. And when the city went into lockdown due to COVID-19 and curfews were enforced due to rioting, and no one could walk the streets after 8pm, I found myself lying alone on my couch staring at the ceiling. It was dark outside, the room lit by a single low lamp. Washington. The mountains. I could suddenly taste the clean air and feel the presence of the vast forests, the mystic call of the tree voices, of leaves whispering and shade echoing. I felt God's spirit fill my heart. I felt the calling clearly as a bell. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. In this chaos of life, where nothing made sense and nothing was predictable, I craved His peace, and I craved the mountains. God said go. I needed to go.

In a short 2 months, I donated half my furniture, sold a few larger items, fixed up and rented out my house. I left behind the house I had lived in since I was 10 years old. The house where my mother died. The house where my father died. The house I inherited when I turned 20, the year I was orphaned. The house where I found God. I left it behind, and opened a new chapter in the book of my life.

Leaving Los Angeles and the trauma of the last 20 years felt like an alcoholic quitting the bottle. When I first arrived at my family's homestead in the North Cascades of Skagit County, the toxicity pouring out of my body was excruciating. I cried for hours every morning, in the quiet security of the mountains, releasing old pains and trapped thought patterns that had kept me stuck in a cycle of doubt and self-hate. And as I sought refuge in Christ, a new sense of joy began to grow inside of me. It was not the adrenaline rush of overachieving, of winning, of conquering the hardscape of the LA economy; it was not the race of survival. It was not lofty. It was not grandiose. In fact, in the beginning it was very small. It was soft. It was calm. It billowed up inside like a warm and soothing wind. It filled me with gold. It broke open memories of childhood spent with my mother and family that had long been buried by stress and fear. It took me down old country roads and hiking paths. And slowly, without truly noticing, I reconnected with that child I had left behind. I recovered a simple, fierce, unquestionable joy of living where I am happy, living in a place that belongs to me, where my heart feels at home.

God is faithful. He is good. His timing is perfect. He hears our prayers, and He knows our needs, our true needs. Only in Christ could I have healed, could I have had the strength of faith to take a chance and follow the call in my heart. The joy of following the call is truly a gift from Heaven. I am overfilled with a deep, soul-felt satisfaction knowing God has brought me to a place where there is no horror, only beauty. An oasis amidst the chaos of the world. A return to myself after feeling fractured for so long. 

And with that change has come new strength. A sense of purpose and clarity I didn't have before. My life, my faith, my time on earth is non-negotiable. I will not spend it on tasks meaningless to me. I stand strong in my faith and I will do God's work in whatever humble way I can. I will not doubt myself, nor worry about the acceptance of others. I am not for everyone, and I don't want to be. I simply want to be loyal to myself, good to my family, and loyal to God. I have realized, after feeling lost for so long, that a spiritual life is the only life I want to live. It is the only life where I find meaning and true joy. It is the only life where I feel like I am truly myself. It doesn't matter what God's plan is for me. That is a journey we are taking together, a journey where I am blind and He leads, and there is no sense in wondering where we shall go. I am done negotiating with my path. I am done being afraid of rejection, consumed by doubt, intimidated by criticism, or stifled by judgment. I will not be afraid anymore to embrace my faith and live a life that is true to myself.

God has delivered me to the place of my prayers. It is miraculous and joyful to see, that while the world is in chaos, God has brought me to a place of meditation and peace. 

I go now to the mountains. I give myself to the wide, empty spaces of the country. When we live a life equal with the pace of big city society, we do not have time to have a deep relationship with God, or deep relationships of any kind. We need to slow down. As a nation, we desperately need to slow down. But so many follow the pace of society instead of the pace of the Spirit. 

There is so much suffering, fear and confusion sewn by the media, the government, corporations and everything in between. 

For those seeking a spiritual life, a true life, everything is stacked against us. The truth is buried so deep. There is such a risk of this truth being lost. What shall happen to the world if the truth is lost? The only good in the world comes from God. Spirituality is the the wellspring of empathy and the source of compassion. Otherwise, we are simply lost creatures molded into a Capitalist system that wishes us to work endlessly and die. Without our faith, without this essential connection to our humanity, we will fall.

Disconnect your social media.

Turn off your TV and your phone.

Denounce all that distracts from God's calling in your life. That still, small voice is so easily overpowered by modern technology. The push to be "online" has overtaken churches, with pastors and clergy fueled by likes, marketing, materialism and fame. Do not speak to the camera. It doesn't matter how many times social media writes "Connection" and "Community" in their ads. This is not connection. This is not community. Do not be deceived. We are witnessing the decay of the heart of our humanity.

I pray: "Christ, if this path is not intended by God and is the devil's work (the work of the ego), then turn me away and protect me from evil. But if this work is True, if this work is by Your will and the will of God, then Christ, clear my path."

He leads. I follow.

To all of the pull of worldly things -- dig in your feet and do not be moved. Seize peace. Live simply. Be present. Show up for yourself, for others, in person, where you can take their hand, feel their anguish, hear their voices and show them the depth of God's healing grace. This is what connection and community means. Trust God and follow.

19 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

22 “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy,[c] your whole body will be full of light. 23 But if your eyes are unhealthy,[d] your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!

24 “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

Matthew 6:19-24