Have courage, young heart, for God is not timid.
God is not meek. God is not afraid.
If you've ever felt the force of peace lift you as a child caught in a river, carrying you effortlessly upward by the power of grace, the pure water of soul flowing beyond time and filling infinity....
If you've ever looked up to realize the Tree grows far taller and mightier than any vision can contain; its branches spreading through the cosmos in a thousand waves of light, pulling together all of Creation....
Have courage, young heart, for God's strength lives within you. You are His child, and all that He is, you shall inherit.
Trust in the Lord with all of your Heart, for He is Life.
All Grace, All Might, All Glory contained.
He is Life.
* * *
We live on the edge of infinity.
A slight step to the left, and we can touch it.
Expand your heart. Lose all else inside of it.
Empty of desire, filled with Light,
Emptiness is wholeness is nothing is All.
God, you struck me through the heart;
empty of myself, You gave me Life
that now Your love pours from the root of me
And all else fades away and away.
A person at our Vedanta meeting asked today about the nature of karma: "I am struggling with a twofold issue with the concept of karma: good-good and bad-bad. If something bad happens to a person, if you think in terms of karma then it becomes easier to judge them, thinking this is their bad karma from a past life experience that they brought upon themselves. The other issue is that, if something bad happens to me, I lose motivation to deal with it or overcome it, thinking this is my bad karma so it's inevitable."
I love that this student of Vedanta brought up this challenging topic. It made me reflect as well, drawing wisdom from my own life experiences as not only an orphan, but a working adult in this chaotic society.
It made me reflect on how we tend to assign the meaning "good" and "bad" to events.
Karma is impersonal, which can be difficult to fit into a Western narrative, because Western religions personalize everything. For instance, in Western thought, if something bad happens to you, it's seen as "punishment." Or if something good happens to you, it's because God has favored you (or variations of this.)
This idea of good and bad begins early in childhood, in socialization. It is part of the Western Judeo-Christian narrative. But in fact, if you remain completely rational, you can reason that no event in life is good or bad, whether you accept karmic law or not. It just is. Events happen in our lives, some of them difficult, destructive, and hurtful to us, but the event itself is neutral. There is no cosmic grudge against us. There is no God meting out punishment and reward. But, the mind needs to understand things. It needs to ask, "Why?" It reasons, "Am I bad?"
So, in Western society, we try to personalize the event as punishment or "bad karma," placing our friends or ourselves at fault for suffering. But people don't suffer because they deserve to suffer. People suffer because the narrative that defines our world creates suffering by its tendency to "cling" to meaning, to reasons, to outcomes. Events happen because we live in an imperfect reality. Are we to hate or blame the nature of reality for our struggles? That doesn't make sense. In fact, that sounds like a form of insanity.
Instead of trying to find an answer to the reason "Why?" or trying to reason out why a "bad thing" happened to someone, it's better to retain an attitude of indifferent compassion. What do I mean by this? Rather than worrying about the "Why" of an event, or who's responsible, or reasoning out an explanation, or judging the nature of the event, remain indifferent to it. Who cares why? This is the nature of an impermanent reality. There will be difficult situations. Simply accept what is and focus on a compassionate reaction. If you need help, then seek help. If you can help others, then help others. That's all that matters.
Spiritual growth isn't about controlling our external reality. It's about attaining balance in our internal reality.
Detached compassion creates a sense of flow in life and helps maintain inner peace. Over time, we begin to see even very serious disasters as simply small bumps to be stepped over, because we no longer see events as good or bad, and nothing can disrupt or interrupt our inner peace. Then, we are free to focus all our energy on being compassionate to everyone.
Be the sky, not the weather.
What is the silence of God?
The silence of God is that the universe is not silent. Only to the five senses is the universe silent. In silence, the Awakened One hears the name of God as one continuous sound, one continuous motion, binding all things together, and it moves through the heart and resonates in every cell as Love.
So the sage sits in silence and gazes upon the world, never hearing silence, never seeing the world, yet being merged in God.
Give me, Mother, what is befitting to me. And teach my soul to be content with Your gifts. And let the desire of my Heart, which is my service to You, be manifested into this world by Your Will, without disruption or interruption. Provide for me that I may be healthy and not suffer any worldly affliction or obstacles as I complete this Work for You, to glorify You. Ease the burdens of my worldly life that I might focus my soul's energies on the pursuit of this spiritual work. In God's grace, allow me never to descend again into the troubles of the world. Lead me and show me in all ways how this Work may glorify You and heal Your children. Amen.
For currently I do not belong to the realm of worldly action, but to the realm of the contemplative, the historian, the researcher, the writer. I do not seek outside myself for your Work, but inside, internally, where I might grow into the task You have set before me. I dedicate my mind to You. I pray for all my worldly desires, obstacles and burdens to be set aside and provided for as long as it takes to complete this Task. I ask for the Word, and the words, to communicate Your message perfectly. I pray for Unity of Will, harmony, wisdom and grace in the creation of this Work to which I set about my soul. This is my soul's purpose and focus. I feel the rightness, the satisfaction in my bones, as every cell in my body consumes Your knowledge, devouring this banquet of Fruit You have laid before Me.
I ask only to be closer to you, to be One with Your light.
I ask only that I am given Time to complete this Work without interruption or distraction.
I ask only that Our timing be perfect; that we arrive neither too early nor too late; that all may lay their eyes upon the Work of the Lord and know the Truth of the message that You have given to the world.
God, please let this Work be enough for the world, and allow me to fulfill the desires of my Heart. Please allow me to give this gift to You in its entirety, for this Work is my sacrifice, created from sacrificial love, that You might be remembered and I, myself, forgotten. Amen.
* * *
I have been pondering today why I was Saved as a child while my brother was not.
When I was 12 and my mother died, I turned to God and begged forgiveness. I felt so guilty. From that, I received the Holy Spirit and was reborn. I experienced Liberation.
My brother, on the other hand, prayed for God to save my mom's life from cancer. When she died, he denounced God and, I think, blamed Him for not saving her life. So my brother became strongly atheistic, with the thought that, if God did exist, then He was very far away and didn't concern Himself in our lives.
It is a strange dichotomy to ponder. But I think it is a way to illustrate the difference between our hearts, even as children.
It is said in the Bible that only the pure of heart shall see God. It is illustrated in the parable of Job that no matter what suffering life throws at you, not to turn away from the Lord.
Granted, I was atheist at the time, and at 12 years old, I didn't know anything about the Bible. But I knew this: that when my mom died, I did not blame God, but blamed myself for my failure to mend my relationship with my mother before her death. I felt at fault for not praying. What I mean by this is, that when I lost my mother, I realized I was so selfish, the very least of all I could have done was pray for her. Prayer costs us nothing, and I didn't even do that, because of my own pride. I blamed myself for letting my pride get between me and speaking to God.
When I cried out to God to forgive me and save me, it was from the depths of my heart, with the sincerity of a child, because I felt true remorse for what I had done. I didn't even know what I was asking, only that I needed God, because I couldn't burden the loss of my mother alone. And God came to me, preserving my Heart, and creating of it something so much more.
Juxtapose this with my brother, who is only a year older than me. While not believing in God, he asked God to save my mom's life while she was sick. The bargain became: "If You save my mom, then I'll believe in You." The logic was: "If you give me something, then I'll believe in You."
Unfortunately, this is not how spiritual law works. When my mom died, for my brother, it became God's fault. It drove him away from developing faith.
Our spiritual Mother knew this would happen. So why did She let my brother fall away?
First, She understands that Time is an illusion, and that we exist eternally, and so She is patient.
Secondly, Her realm is the Heart. Her realm is Perfect Love. What was the folly of the heart in my brother's reasoning? Why didn't he receive the Holy Spirit? First, that he felt entitled. He was trying to make God bend to his small human will. "God, if you want me to have faith in you, then you have to do this for me!"
Secondly, after creating this one-sided bargain, he blamed God for our mother dying, instead of humbly submitting to God's will. He never brought himself low enough to ask for forgiveness; to ask to be saved; to cry out for help. And so, he enhanced his own suffering by cutting himself off from the divine. This is why pride is a sin.
As I said before, this is very American. We think, "If God gives me what I want, then God exists." Or, "If God gives me presents, then I'll believe in him." Or, "If God makes me rich, then God is real." Or, "If God cures my cancer, then God loves me." And when these things don't happen, we think we are being punished, or that God doesn't exist.
No.
God exists outside of Time and Her magnanimous presence lives inside of us. She wants us to see Her, but we can't when we are so busy with ourselves. So if, by suffering through cancer, you are faced with your own mortality and you become more selfless, more humble, more appreciative of Life, and you begin to talk to Her, then your heart has grown, and you have progressed in your soul's evolution. This is a good thing.
She will not change herself or her nature to appease us. We must be the ones to approach Her. A petulant child who is misbehaving may want his Mother to come and scoop him up in Her arms, but then he will only learn to misbehave. So Mother waits until the tantrum has passed to embrace us.
An unripe soul will complain, "Why does God force us to suffer?" God doesn't force us to suffer. This is an imperfect, impermanent world. We choose to suffer because we do not choose to live a life of grace. We choose to suffer because we are so attached to ourselves, to our limited logic, to our stubborn belief that man is the master of the universe, to our crippled comprehension of life. We must let go of everything and submit to the life we've been given. We must become selfless to find freedom.
A lot of people talk about death, or people dying, like it's such a bad thing. But I think of my own death every day. It is the only certainty, the only thing promised to us, since the day we are born. So why are we so afraid of it? I am prepared for it, as much as I can be. This revelation of death is no revelation to me. So why are you afraid? You know this is your soul's inheritance, don't you? Or did you forget? We are meant to walk this path with the soul's fire in our hearts and our hands clasped in God's own. Or did you forget?
What happens to a child if you just give him presents and presents and presents? Gifts and gifts and gifts? The child becomes more and more selfish. And the more selfish we become, the less capable we are of understanding the nature of our Mother. So until the heart is fully ripened and purified, and the temple is ready to receive the spirit, God cannot shower us in gifts upon gifts, because it will corrupt our heart and push us farther away from Her.
Instead, God helps us to become selfless and purifies our soul through the path of humility. We suffer because we forgot that's why we are here. The more you want for yourself, the more God takes away. The less you want for yourself, the more God gives you. But our understanding of richness changes as well. We care less for the world, and more for the heart, and that is where our treasures dwell.
What God saw in my brother's heart was an unripe fruit. Although my brother was still a child, he lacked humility. To spare our mom's life for him only would have encouraged his ego. It would not have taught him to let go and overcome.
I know my brother will come to know God in his life. But I think it will be after my death. This is how our Mother turns all things to good.
To understand God's lessons, you must understand the nature of the heart. God does not work on human terms, nor care about our worldly desires. God is working to perfect your soul. We can work with our Mother, or we can ignore Her, or we can hate Her. But it does not change that God is still at work to perfect Your soul.
I have been practicing meditation now for about 1 month--since May 15th-ish or so. I have not been perfect with my schedule. In the beginning it was very hard. I could only focus my mind for about 2 minutes at a time, and sit still for about 10 minutes. I skipped days here and there. I tried to commit to 30 minutes in the morning, and 30 minutes in the evening. Sometimes I only got in about 10 minutes in the evening before getting so tired I fell asleep. Hah! But I've gotten progressively better and better at it, until now I crave it. I feel uncentered if I don't meditate in the morning and the evening. I notice an immediate change in my mood. So I think I will keep up this practice.
I've begun reading "The Ways of Perfection" by St. Teresa of Avila. I have never read her books before, though it's been recommended to me. As I work on the final stages of Our book, where I discuss the various Roots to the Tree of Life, I am reading a lot of different books by different religions and researching what they teach. Never before have I done such a deep dive before into all the different religions... but this Work must be done.
I am shocked to find that Teresian Prayer and Vedanta Meditation are almost the same thing.
I will elaborate. Here is an example of the meditation I am learning at the Vedanta Center in Seattle:
Swami Satyamayananda instructed us to begin meditation by sitting still with good posture. Regulate your breathing. Close your eyes and focus them on a point just past your chin. Keep your eyes and your hands still, as that will help your mind become still.
Then, become aware of your body. Become aware of how we sit, then our posture, then our throat, then our breathing. Focus on breathing for a while, maybe a few minutes. Just feel yourself in your body.
When you first start meditating, there will be a "settling in" period. It used to take ten minutes or more to get my mind to settle down. My thoughts were very disruptive, and I'd get stuck in worrisome loops.
So, as Satyamayananda described, during this process, thoughts will arise and fall. Feel yourself in your body and know that your thoughts are not who you are. Create distance, like watching a TV screen in your mind. Watch your thoughts rise and fall. Observe them impartially, like you are watching TV. Try not to get swept up in them, but if you do, gently break away and let the thought go. It will feel difficult at first, but over time, by doing this, you'll be able to push the thoughts far away, until they become like a thumbnail image, very small.
Do not worry that you can't control your mind. Nobody can have absolute control. The mind is meant to think! That's it's purpose! So it will think no matter what. The point is to become detached from the thoughts, and no longer identify yourself with your thoughts. Observe them, don't chase them. Learn to see your thoughts as separate from yourself. Swami tells us a metaphor: imagine your mind throws out cookies (thoughts.) Don't pick up the cookie! Let the thought pass through you.
Then, as you are sitting and meditating, feel yourself expand into space, larger and larger than your thoughts, and push your thoughts farther and farther away, until they become very small and insignificant. For the first couple of sessions, we only practiced this far. This was the goal in the beginning.
Once we got used to "settling in" and quieting the mind, Swami taught us the next step in meditation. Now, after detaching from your thoughts and becoming comfortable in your body, change your focus from the point beyond your chin. Focus instead on a place deep inside of you. Envision a golden light in your chest. Then, plunge in! Enter into the golden light and rest there.
After doing this a few times, it is okay to begin to focus on an image, if there is a specific deity or symbol representing God (like the Cross, or the Buddha, or Kali) that helps you focus your mind on God. Focus your mind intently on the image of God.
Then, you can repeat a mantra. A mantra is a word that help you focus your attention on this image of God. I mantra might begin as "God, I pray for peace and understanding." But eventually, it becomes just one word, repeated over and over with focused intention: "Peace peace peace peace." Something like that. The intention is the full prayer, but the word is only "Peace." This helps the mind focus. Swami explains that every thought is like a packet of spiritual energy. If we can focus all of our spiritual energy and intention on a single thought, it becomes a powerful mode of inner transformation.
Remember to remain relaxed while you are doing this. Sometimes I will realize my face has become tense was I focus on my image of God (I always imagine the Tree, with gold light pouring from its roots.) When I noticed this, I relax my body.
Eventually, as you do this, you will feel lifted up, your mind pulled into a state of happiness, even intense joy and bliss. You may also feel like you are expanding outward into space, into a deep peace. These are good things. These are states of consciousness. Allow yourself to focus on the golden light, or the symbol of God, and focus your mind until you feel yourself open up and become expansive, without borders, and the exterior world is very far away.
Monks can go hours in this state without breaking their focus and concentration. The Self, the Spirit of Life within you, will rain down Life into your body, regenerating cells, balancing hormones and chemicals in your brain, until you feel happy, refreshed, and at peace. This process is also called "Flow" and it's similar to a runner's high. Just like a musician can lose themselves in the flow of playing an instrument, the goal is to lose ourselves in the "Flow" of meditation. It's incredibly rejuvenating for the mind and body!
I have just reached the point in meditation where I am beginning to experience this "Flow." It is an addictive feeling for the brain. Now that I am experiencing it, I find that my brain craves to be in it more and more. Which is why I think I will make meditation a permanent part of my daily routine. Ideally I hope to dedicate an hour in the morning and an hour at night to it. As you meditate more and more, apparently you can maintain this state of "Flow" all the time. I can't even imagine!
Due to living in a Christian country, I find that certain parts of Vedanta lack familiarity due to the cultural difference. Because there is a lack of cultural familiarity, cultural "ownership" let's call it, the teachings feel a little out of shape for me, like clothes not quite cut to size. I wish I could have grown up in India where I can fully appreciate the profound teachings of Hindu mystics as part of my own childhood and assimilated culture.
Ironically, this sense of distance has been bridged for me, because I began reading The Ways of Perfection almost at the same time I started learning how to meditate, which is St. Teresa of Avila's famous book about prayer. I am shocked to discover that what she called "contemplative prayer" is almost exactly the same as what Swami teaches in Vedanta. Because of my Christian background, St. Teresa speaks to me on a more personal level, putting this spiritual practice in Christian context.
St. Teresa describes this process for her nuns like so:
"Consider that it is well worthwhile for you to have understood this truth: that the Lord is within us, and that there we must be with him.
"The intellect is recollected much more quickly with this kind of prayer... it is a prayer that brings with it many blessings. This prayer is called "recollection," because the soul collects its faculties together and enters within itself to be with its God. And its divine Master comes more quickly to teach it and give it the prayer of quiet than he would through any other method it might use. For centered there within itself, it can think about the Passion and represent the Son and offer him to the Father and not tire the intellect by going to look for him on Mount Calvary or in the garden or at the pillar.
"Those who by such a method can enclose themselves within this little heaven of our soul, where the Maker of heaven and earth is present, and grow accustomed to refusing to be where the exterior senses in their distraction have gone, or look in that direction, should believe they are following an excellent path and that they will not fail to drink water from the fount; for they will journey far in a short time.
"Those who know how to recollect themselves are already out to sea, as they say. For even though they may not have got completely away from land, they do what they can during that time to get free from it by recollecting their senses within. If the recollection is true, it is felt very clearly; for it produces some effect in the soul. I don't know how to explain it. Whoever has experienced it will understand; the soul is like one who gets up from the table after winning a game, for it already sees what the things of the world are. It rises up at the best time, as one who enters a fortified castle to be safe from enemies. There is a withdrawing of the senses from exterior things and a renunciation of them in such a way that, without one's realizing it, the eyes close so as to avoid seeing them and so that the sight might be more awake to things of the soul.
"... And even though it isn't aware of this at the beginning, since the recollection is not so deep -- for there are greater and lesser degrees of recollection -- the soul should get used to this recollection; although in the beginning the body causes difficulty because it claims its rights without realizing that it is cutting of its own head by not surrendering. If we make the effort, practice this recollection for some days, and get used to it, the gain will be clearly seen; we will understand, when beginning to pray, that the bees are approaching and entering the beehive to make honey. And this recollection will be effected without our effort because the Lord has desired that, during the time the faculties are drawn inward, the soul and its will may merit to have this dominion. When the soul does no more than give a sign that it wishes to be recollected, the senses obey it and become recollected. Even though they go out again afterward, their having already surrendered is a great thing; for they go out as captives and subjects and do not cause the harm they did previously (ie. no more troublesome worries or fears about day-to-day concerns.) And when the will calls them back again, they come more quickly, until after many of these entries the Lord wills that they rest entirely in perfect contemplation."
"I consider it impossible for us to pay so much attention to worldly things if we take the care to remember we have a Guest such as this within us, for we then see how lowly these things are next to what we possess within ourselves."
I am reading St. Teresa of Avila's "Ways of Perfection."
I came across a passage about what to do if we are "wronged" by others. St. Teresa (paraphrasing) says we should not complain about being wronged. We shouldn't worry if we "deserve" to be wronged by a friend or family... It's not a matter of "deserving" at all. Such contemplation is meaningless.
Consider the persecution of Jesus as an example. His crucifixion was not warranted, it was not "right" and he was not "deserving" of it, and yet it happened. This is the way of the world. People will wrong you. It's pointless to bemoan whether it was right of them, or if you deserved it. You will be wronged no matter what, no matter how hard you try, no matter how blameless you are.
So, instead of phrasing it as "My friend wronged me," rephrase it as, "My friend committed a wrong." Because, really, we should take ourselves out of the equation. We suffer because we are alive. People commit wrongs because people aren't perfect. It's not personal. It's just life.
In reflection, I realize that I have subconsciously been holding on to the ways people have wronged me over my 20's. I didn't mean to, and moving from LA to Washington was an attempt to detach myself from those past injuries. But the injury still remains buried in my psyche, and I need to detach from it. I will pray for God's healing of these wounds.
Perhaps their wrongs seem even bigger to me, because of the intense vulnerability of my orphanhood, and the inconsistent support I received from friends and family. But, in the end, St. Teresa is correct. I can't allow myself to bemoan the suffering I endured at the carelessness of others. And I can't let it be a cause for my own self doubt, an endless searching for some fatal flaw inside of me that attracts abuse into my life. This is life. People commit wrongs. If they didn't, we would already be in Heaven.
It is a better use of my time and energy to be grateful for the peace and stability I currently have in my life.
I hear a great wise voice well up inside of me and say: Someday, you will look back on this place as the happiest you have ever been--so be that. Appreciate this lull, this period of peace, tranquility, security, and effortless growth. Appreciate this time with gratitude. Give thanks to God. Try as much as you can to heal fully before your next trial, for certainly it shall come, and not as you expect.
Try very hard to learn, to grow, and to trust God, and forgive all of those friends or family who committed wrongs against you in the past. For by their own blindness do they cause suffering.
Do your best to weather through this life, clinging fast to your faith and integrity of character as a shield. Keep your honesty and goodness as a blade against their unknowing, careless onslaught. For at times, if it feels like you run through life like a soldier through a battlefield, fending off all manner of sufferings and pitfalls and pain to remain true to your spiritual path, this is the Way. This life is a battleground and a trial of faith, not designed for the benefit of the blind, but for the creation of warriors, of admirals and generals in His army, to fend off the onslaught of darkness.
You will be burned. At times it feels like we can't be sure which is more a blessing--to receive his Perfect Love and Knowledge, or to remain in blind ignorance. But I promise you now, it is far better if we live keeping our eyes upon that Reality of Love, that Higher Self, instead of the flimsy ponderings of everyday problems. It is better not to be blind, but to walk in Knowledge, even if at times it seems to add to our suffering, for our burdens are greater and yet weightless by this understanding.
Do not seek suffering in your thoughts for surely, it will find you.
There are two kinds of spiritual growth: trial and reflection.
Trial, in which we face down obstacles in our lives by relying on spiritual truths we've been taught, which brands knowledge it into our bones, forging strength of character, tenacity, and boldness. This is how the soul gains power. Power, in the spiritual realm, is measured in humility and compassion, which is the inevitable outcome of a successful trial. This is spiritual power because through our humility do we manifest God's will, and through our growing compassion do we desire to serve.
Inevitably, during this hammering, there are flaws and scars to our new build. So after a great trial, a period of peace and reflection occurs, which is fine-grained sandpaper to our spirits, brushing off the flaws, and an oilcloth to polish what has been forged in fire. This is how the soul gains wisdom.
Both of these, trial and reflection, are needed to perfect the soul.
I can tell that meeting me is a disappointment to people.
Since I was 12 years old, I've been loudly declaring my experience and talking about the nature of God, but nobody listens. Christians tell me this is the devil's work, while atheists say it's impossible, and everyone in between says, "Well I think you have experienced something," and they go back to their lives. And if I push or repeat myself, they say, "You're sounding overzealous. Are you okay?"
Nobody cares anymore about knowing or understanding God. Everybody thinks they have the answer. Nobody sees. Nobody listens.
Christ could literally walk into a church and declare himself, and be told he's doing the devil's work.
Christ isn't coming. Or, he came and nobody saw him, nobody knew him, because that is the world we live in.
Religion and religious people will not give me authority because I experienced this Enlightenment, this Salvation, outside of religion, therefore invalidating the need for the Bible, while equally validating all religions.
Scientists and atheists will never give me authority because it's an individual experience that cannot be observed using the scientific method. Controls cannot be established. Outcomes cannot be measured. How does one observe the Self--how does one observe the observer? God's presence is at all times around us. It is both matter and the machines measuring matter. How can anything regarding the nature of consciousness be proven using the scientific method?
Yet this experience of Liberation, this Salvation, disproved atheism to me. So atheism has lost its authority.
And because I had this experience outside of religion, religion holds no authority for me.
The only authority I can derive from this experience is the experience itself, and the authority of myself, of the Self. Only my own life, my own knowledge, holds authority for me, and on that alone, I must rely.
It saddens me, because this experience is profound. It is the very heart of our humanity. It should be accepted and celebrated with joy; acknowledged and shared with happiness and gratitude. Instead, every step of my life since my awakening has been treated with ridicule, suspicion, skepticism, and rejection. I have been shamed over and over again for sharing this experience, no matter how much joy it has brought into my life.
This is the world we live in.
Backwards, upside down, completely inverted from Heaven.
So my decision is, I will no longer look for answers in religion, nor derive my authority thereof. I shall no longer seek explanations in science, for science is still young and evolving. I shall no longer seek the validation of my peers, nor derive any authority from their acceptance of me, because no one will accept this experience. Not truly. If they did, they would have it for themselves. And as much as I can, I will try not to feel unworthy. I will try not to blame myself for their disappointment, and realize that nobody can live up to their expectations, not even God.
It's hard not to feel like I've let down God by admitting defeat so early in the game. But surrender to this, I must. I've been trying now to bring this Truth into the world for 21 years and two thirds of my life. I am nobody special. I am not exceptionally smart or talented. I hold no doctorate or special skill. In fact, I am just like you. I don't fit in. I don't belong anywhere. I am unconditionally fit to be alive; this gift handed to me by some compassion of the Universe, no other answers provided to me except for God's ineffable presence, Her Love, which can't even be described in language as we know it.
So to God, I am acceptable to receive this knowledge, yet to the rest of the world, I am a disappointment. I am not seven feet tall with a big, booming voice. I have no super powers. I can't click my fingers and turn off lights. I don't see ghosts; I can't walk on water; I sit in traffic with everyone else on the freeway; I've had my fair share of bad days, hardships, heartaches, grief, parking tickets, sports injuries, and friendships gone awry. Nowhere in me exists perfection except for, perhaps, my ability to love, and retain an open heart despite how painful this life can be. I am an average person. It took me 6 years to finish my Bachelor's degree. I never learned Calculus. I don't have a license in Social Work or Ministry. I failed my driving test 3 times when I was 16.
I'm just a human being fumbling through this life as a Child of God. My only super power is turning a negative into a positive. I have cried every step of the way, trying to do my best, every day, to live an authentic life. I have given up many, many times. But somehow, I am still alive, and so I guess that means I am still trying, despite my many failures.
I could tell you exactly who and what God is, what is the nature of your soul, but you wouldn't believe me, so why try?
But oh, dear reader, I will always come back to this, for how can't I speak of my most beloved?
I guess I will just continue to practice Love in all of my ways. And do, as best as I can, whatever I can, to ease people's suffering, and not add to the disease of hatred in this world. I will trust first in God, the wild and fierce God of my heart, not in a religion. After God, I will trust in myself, and try not to concern myself with convincing anyone of anything. I will abandon any chance of deriving authority from religion or science, because I received my answer outside of these things, from my own heart. I was given the answer before I even had the questions to ask, and no other philosophy will replace that profound experience of becoming One with the Spirit.
So, lonely wanderer, empty child of faith, now what shall you do? Why not give it all to Me?
We cannot put our faith in our expectations of life. Maybe God has no purpose for me at all, other than living this life with Him. Perhaps it's just His gift to me, and nothing else, given freely out of Love, nothing asked in return. Even if that is so, I shall grieve, because this beautiful, profound Salvation--this deep and soulful spiritual life--will never be acknowledged by anyone besides God, and that truly is the divine joke of our brief existence. What I wish I could celebrate with you, my true birth, my true Self, will never be celebrated, and the joy of sharing this Love with the world will never be realized, and maybe no one will read this journal, and maybe I shall take this message to the grave.
And if I do, it shall be just another divine joke of life, that God came and walked among men, and no one cared to know.
Always, always, always, my sin is Pride.
Only God can make me bend. Only God can make me listen. I am hardheaded and stubborn. I affectionately call it "my Irish side."
While I am studying Vedanta and meditation at the Vedanta Center in Seattle, I am also part of a Bible class online. God sent me a Christian teacher by the name of Jinni to teach me the basics of Christianity in a series of one-on-one lessons. I have been to Church over the years and participated in many Bible studies, but she is representing a special series of classes that take new believers through the Bible, and introduces them to their relationship with Christ.
As you well know, I have been busy doing Our secret Work, which is not much of a secret on this blog. Last night, I was talking to Jesus in prayer. I asked him to show me in the Word my experience at 12, when I saw the Holy Spirit (The Self) connecting all things. It's important for the Work that I might explain it and justify it to other Christian believers, that they know we are connected in Christ.
Then today, Jinni took me on an unprecedented journey of discovery through the Bible. Cross-referencing several books in the Bible, she taught me about God's temple--how in the Old Testament, the Lord asked for a temple to be created for Joshua's God, and then, Solomon's temple in Jerusalem. And then, moving into the New Testament, she showed me where Jesus rebuilt the temple of Jerusalem in 3 days, because the temple was His body, where the spirit of the Lord dwelled. Moving the temple from the physical realm to the spiritual realm. And that the temple must be pure to receive the Holy Spirit.
Just like the building of a physical temple requires following an architect's pattern, so does building a spiritual temple, in which Wisdom becomes the architect. The spiritual temple of the body must be purified so that the Holy Spirit can dwell in you. Likewise, we know Jesus was real because he fulfilled a pattern--he fulfilled the prophecies made from the prophets before.
I know that, through the vision of the Tree of Life given to me in 2015, God is also fulfilling a prophecy in Revelations.
Now if only We can remind the world that all of the Earth is God's temple, and that by hording and polluting the Earth, we are destroying God's temple.
Jesus was a far greater teacher than I shall ever be. I only hope to do a thimble of His great work upon this earth.
Falling away from God is how we grow. Coming close to God is how we heal.
It is God's design that we fall away and come close, over and over again. By continually falling and breaking, we lose parts of ourselves. We are forced to relinquish that which is immature and selfish. We are forced to release old, dead wood from our inner, spiritual tree so we can continually grow and mature toward the Light.
Your soul is a seed growing into God.
And in fact, it is Light from which we came, so the whole Tree is inverted, but that will be the final stage of Your awakening, to see that Truth. That as we reach toward the Light, so the Light comes down to give us Life, in a continual cycle of rebirth and decay, until we understand that all things are the Light. That nothing can be born without it, and when we die, we simply return to it.
It is only here, in this heavy realm, the realm of Death, that we can learn the nature of God. In all the other realms of Heaven, God is too present, too magnanimous, for us to learn. We simply Are. Which is a beautiful and peaceful way to exist, but does not allow for creation, does not allow for reflection or growth. Here, in the heavy realm, in the roots, we are inside the engine of Creation. Only here, can the soul grow and become. Only here can we break the ego, crack the egg that gives us Life. Only here is there Time and the illusion of Death. Welcome to God's master class: the Creation.
The illusion of Death is God's masterpiece, for it is the illusion of Death that allows all things to grow.
See your faith like a tree. Inside each of us is a Tree of Life. The tree is your soul. The roots spread through the ground, rooting you to the earth, to the physical body, drawing upon the wisdom of life and death. All parts of you rooted in the physical world of Creation.
Your journey, from seed to sapling to redwood, is a journey of the soul to God. Through the growth of the inner tree, we come to know ourselves as parts of the divine, when our branches finally grow high enough to receive the Light. This metaphor is the experience of Enlightenment, or Salvation, or Perfection, or Liberation. In truth, all of these words simply mean becoming One with God's consciousness and the Spirit of Eternal Love.
In the same way that our internal life, our spiritual journey, is a Tree of Life, so is the make of our external world. All of Creation is a Tree of Life, because all of Creation is the soul of God. God's roots extend through everything, every being, every object, animate and inanimate. Her great body extends from the Crown of Creation, the Light of the Cosmos, through Time and atoms into the heaviness of a black hole. Her Love and Unity pervade all things.We are all connected as One in the Tree. This is why all of the laws of physics unify like instruments in a grand orchestra. This is why all parts of our life unify for the good of the soul. Everything is connected, from the largest planet in our solar system to the smallest grain of sand on a beach. Likewise, everything is connected from the deepest realm of your heart to the Heart that Creates All.
How does one explain to a fish that they swim in an ocean of water? In the same way, how can I explain to you that your consciousness swims in an ocean of God's soul? We are blind to it, until we are not. Raising our internal awareness away from destruction and division, towards love and unity, is the path to seeing this divine connection in all things. This path, this heartwork, is the path of perfecting the soul. Heartwork is the path of the peacemaker, and the true knowing of our Essence, our Self, our Source, which is God.
While laying down to sleep tonight, I had another vision.
Resting my head against a pillow, I closed my eyes, and I saw a flash of the same Tree of Life that I had seen in 2015. I saw a soul being drawn up through one of the roots of the Tree into its trunk, where it would continue its journey upward into God. The soul looked like a ball of glowing white light. Glinting with rainbow colors around the light was a bubble. I think this was the aura surrounding the soul.
I knew that this particular root, which had drawn up the soul from the ground (Earth), was Judaism. The root carried the soul upward like water into the Tree, into God.
I have studiously been attending the Vedanta Center in Seattle twice a week. It is where God/The Self has called me to be. I adore these sermons that are so kind and non-judgmental, so spiritual and profound in nature. I love Vedanta. They teach that many, many, many souls have come to the world just like me. Jesus was one of them. Buddha was another. Ramakrishna is the most recent one they follow. There are nine recognized incarnations to date, but I know that there have been thousands, many belonging to ancient civilizations now lost to time. It is such a broader worldview than modern day Christianity. It is what my soul needs--perspective.
Last Sunday was a sermon on The Buddha and his teachings. Swami's passion for the Buddha permeated his words. He spoke about how The Buddha sat for forty days at the base of the Bodhi tree to reach Enlightenment. During this time, he was attacked by the god of illusions, who sent his five daughters to tempt him. The Vadanta religion (Hinduism) acknowledges this is a parable, a story rooted in history. They openly acknowledge that such stories are meant to be used as tools to teach and not necessarily taken literally. Religion should be understood this way. There is a surprising amount of people who do not understand the nature of a metaphor.
What Buddha was faced with under the Bodhi tree was his false selves. His illusory identities. The impermanent parts of himself that he clung to instead of realizing his Oneness with the Self. This story sat powerfully with me. I know the danger of a false self; how easily they sneak in. What I felt in my experience when I woke up and saw God, the consciousness that unites everything, is that the self was dead. God is the True Self. Who I was before that experience no longer exists. She died that day, and I became. Reborn in the Bigger Self.
Today, as I am combing through old journal entries compiling Our book (because God has finally said "Now. It is Time. Let's compile the Message,") I found the following passage written in a journal of mine from 2015:
"There is a sense of slamming into one's body when we realize the most significant moment in our life is now... Right now. I can begin again by not carrying so much of the past as a weight. I can only truly be who I am when I am here, in the present moment. Clouded by the past, we are not whole.
Writing isn't worth all that much when you write every day. Journals and journals filled, and never reread. Half, I am embarrassed to read. The other half, afraid.
We can choose not to let go of trauma. We can keep it close to us, like a false identity."
And then, in a flash of understanding, I realized: I have forged a false ego along my path. The loss of my family, the word "orphan," became a false identity. The ego clung to my trauma. The deceit is that my past defines me--it does not. The lie is that my pain is who I am. The lie is that my suffering is who I am. No. This is not True.
I am not an orphan; the world is my family. You all are connected to me in the Self. I am not my suffering; I am not my trauma; I am not what happened to me, nor my loss, nor my transformation, nor should my concerns lie there. I should not seek an identity there. I am simply a reflection of God; a vessel for God's magnanimous love. My soul is pure light. I am child of the Self. A child and a creation of God. I am not my past; I am not my broken family. I am God's love. I am whole.
I felt the shackles fall off of me. There was God again, beaming at me, that bright silent connection in all things. Love surged and I cried. Then, I laughed at this realization. I laughed and laughed. I felt something in me loosen and break free--a demon? A mental weight of some kind? Shackles. I laughed, because God's joke is the silly blindness of our short lives on earth. When seen, we are known. I am seen, and I see, and I am known as He is known to me.
I am free. Free of my past. Free to become.
Religion limits you. Spirituality sets you free.
From this day on, I no longer identify as Christian. I no longer identify as a Buddhist, Taoist, Atheist, nor a follower of Vedanta. I am spiritual. I don't need a name. I am a Way unto myself. I am the Self.
I am Love, and my only desire is to serve.
Serve all. Every person. Every creed. Every nationality. Every creature upon the earth. Every plant, rock and stone. All are manifestations of God. You think you are spiritual? Humble yourself and serve all.
We are on the ascent now.
Before me, I see the peak of the mountain.
God takes aim, the bow strung tight.
I am His arrow.
His aim is True.
He cannot miss.
I am ready to fly.
I was in line at WinCo speaking to one of the checkout clerks. She was a handsome woman in her forties or fifties. Age can be so difficult to discern.
She told me, "I grew up in Missouri. I like to call it Misery."
It made me reflect on my time spent in Los Angeles. It makes me think that everyone has that Misery place. I know mine was definitely LA. Healing often requires us to leave behind the place of Misery to a place of newness, where we can set down new roots and begin fashioning a new life for ourselves. This is what brings immigrants to America. This is what makes children leave home. We want to leave behind our suffering. We all want to find a life that makes us feel balanced and whole.
But leaving behind a place of Misery is only half of the work. The old adage is true: "Wherever you go, there you are."
After leaving behind the place of Misery, we still carry it inside of us. We must allow time for that Misery in our hearts to heal. It has taken me 2 years to feel at home in the Pacific Northwest, and that did not happen by staying isolated and alone.
I had to challenge myself to make connections. I made a personal decision to avoid groups of people who reminded me of the friends and family I'd left behind in LA. But I also went outside of my comfort zone. I joined groups and activities to meet people with similar interests. I tried different temples and churches to find a spiritual home. I tried to make every decision from the sincerity of my heart.
I pursued jobs in fields that I loved as a child. Not for money or prestige. But for joy.
I sought out family ties that were loving and accepting of me; bonds that made me grow stronger in myself, not insecure. Real love makes us strong, independent, and kind. We know it intuitively, because we grow from it. Real love allows us to grow.
False love, ego-love, small love, selfish love--we know that kind of love intuitively too, because it makes us feel smaller; it makes us doubt ourselves and secretly hate ourselves; it makes the ground beneath us feel unsteady, and the future seem uncertain. You can't change or heal your family when they are only capable of small love. You have to let go of them to a degree, and pray for them, and allow Life and God to heal them. You deserve wholeness in your life.
We all have a place of Misery. Part of our spiritual growth is leaving behind that Misery place and taking a risk to become more. To live better. I encourage it. In some situations, I think it is the only way to heal: to leave the past behind--physically, leave it behind.
"Re-examine all you have been told...dismiss that which insults your soul."
~Walt Whitman
How vast are our misunderstandings of each other, to make an enemy of love. To perceive genuine care and support as wrongful or meddling. To be shamed for our loving actions when reaching out to another.
Be gentle, but do not be afraid to break through another's armor. At times, the Voice must be used as a spear to pierce through the walls surrounding the heart. It is seldom welcomed by the listener. But the Truth remains ever in their heart from that day, as an echo, as a seed waiting to bloom. You spoke the message. God will do the rest. He will shine light on the seed. He will carry your acts to fruition.
Be strong, young one. Love is always the answer. It takes time for some people to see that. Do not be concerned with age, but know yourself as an ageless being, as old as the stars and the elements and the creation of the cosmos. What lives in you, lives in all. All things are Love. Be at peace, and know you did well.
I woke up in the middle of the night last night, troubled in my purpose and my calling. God's quiet voice said, Just love them unconditionally. I will do the rest.
Another night of deep sleep. I slept for 12 hours. In my dreams, She spoke to me. I saw trees upon trees upon trees. Every time I closed my eyes, trees filled my vision, and laughter bubbled up from my lips, not as much as yesterday night, but more than once.
At one point, I woke up to an ache in my stomach on the left side. The Higher Voice spoke to me, and She said, Do you feel this pain? This is your mother's rejection of you, when you were little. She said you were ugly and fat. She shamed you. This is the pain you carry from your childhood ugliness; from your mother's lack of love. Heal her. Forgive her. Love Yourself. You are Beautiful. You are Mine. You are Good. You are Wanted. Love Yourself for All that You Are.
Today, I am happy and clearheaded and full of energy. I keep laughing at random like a mad woman. I keep touching my stomach and sending love to the pain that lingers. I never noticed before all the odd pains and tensions in my body, left over from the last twenty years of suffering in the city. Sometimes, we have to fall away before we can become closer to God. God will chisel away all that is imperfect. We will hurt until we follow.
When I think of my biological mother, who was often cold, distant and critical, I send her love. I am not my human mother. I am my spiritual Mother. She is the Great Healer. She is the Higher Self. The superego that heals the body.
Now, since visiting the Vedanta Center, my brain is healing rapidly from the toxicity of Los Angeles and the last few years, where I was living in a stressed out, chemically-induced city. Corporate work is the death of the Spirit. I remember a pivotal moment about 4 years into my Entertainment career. I was working as a vendor for Disney Plus (I was part of the team that launched the platform in November 2019), and I remember gazing sadly out the window. I was burned out. My spirit could not summon the motivation to open a single email. I stared down at a person walking their dog, and thought of the few hours a day I had to eat and watch a TV show before collapsing in exhaustion. I thought of the friends I no longer knew. The family I craved, who were far away. And I felt something inside of me solidifying. My body seemed to tell me, "You can choose this. You can choose to stay here, and become this person. You would have a good career and make a lot of money in a prestigious company. You will do good work here for Me, even in a small way. You can still serve. You will have accolades and awards and material comforts. Why not adapt to this life? Why not take on this role? This is part of growing up and being an adult. All the people you work with in this company have made this sacrifice. Grow up. Let go of your childhood dreams, they were silly ambitions. Why not have health insurance instead?"
A decision was made that day. I felt this new identity forming: cold, practical, unloving, small. Justifying cruelty for money. My life's values conforming to company policies. Pushing for change by going to meetings and escalating problems to our Account Directors. Living in stress. Splitting people between good and bad, us vs. them. Forgetting the child at the heart of myself, the girl my dad loved, the one who wanted to save the world. Just forget about her. That's crazy. Save the world? Nobody can do that.
No. My decision was no. This was not was God was calling on me to do. And I am not a weak-willed slave willing to bow to human authority. I serve a Higher Master. I surrendered my parents for this faith; I died many deaths and suffered Hell for this Faith. No. I do not care if I have nothing. No. I cannot do this to my soul anymore. I will not abandon God. I will not stray from my Calling, no matter how blind I felt. I would rather leap off a cliff than live this life of captivity one more second.
That was a few years ago. God provides. I am healing still, but in healing, there is immeasurable growth. Working every day in a cubicle, bereft of grass and sunlight, in misery from the fast-paced lifestyle, disconnected from myself, was Hell. We live in Hell.
I've been praying to be restored to the clarity of my childhood, back when my thoughts were free of anger and grief. Then, I knew Her closely, easily. I feel ashamed, when I look back on all the mistakes of my 20's: how I abused my body, how I acted unloving, the little ways I experimented and rebelled against the Spirit. But She is not mad at me. She says, You had to live that way to know their suffering. I asked this of you. I made you strong and fearless. You had to suffer with them for a time, to know that you cannot be separated from Me. But that is over now. Now, You get to be who You really are, and We begin.
She is the Mother. She is One. She is Me. I am Her. I am Her daughter. She is large, and I am small, but we are the Same. She is Mother to the world, and she has come to serve Her children.
God is the Self. When Jesus came, he was a man, and so he referred to God as Father because for him, the Highest Self was most easily relatable to as Father. But do not be deceived. God is beyond gender.
It is a relationship.
My Higher Self is perceived differently for me. I am a woman. She is Mother. She is the Tree of Life. But she is the same God that we call Christ; the same Self that the Buddha speaks of; the I Am of Yahweh. Everything is One God, One Spirit, One Self. But how the messenger relates to the Self is highly personal. Believing in God as a Father, calling what is beyond gender by Him, was creating a block between me and my relationship with the Spirit. I couldn't get close enough. To call the Self a "Him" makes it impersonal to me, because I am female. To call the Self an "It" makes it impersonal to me, because we think of "It" as inanimate objects, like a sofa or a desk. But the Self is the Spirit of Life. She is Living. She has a Soul. She is the Soul of the Universe: I Am. And so to have a relationship with the Self, to recognize the Self as truly part of Me, of my spiritual evolution, I call her Mother. She is Me. My Highest Self.
But again, do not be deceived. The Self is You. God lives inside of You. The superego is in the brain at the crown of the head. You should know that I haven't always identified with any one gender. As a child, I was very androgynous and people thought I was a boy. I've often felt like I should be a man, or like I was a man in a past life. But my time here on Earth is short, and my gender is ultimately irrelevant, because it dies with the body. Know that God is the Higher Self is You. You are loved and accepted unconditionally, forever. The soul has no gender, and the more spiritual I become, the more I feel completely asexual. Use whatever pronouns that you feel are the most intimate to You. We all share the same Self. That is the Truth of Life. We are all the same Self. The same Soul.
The Self is saying, I need You closer to me, I need You inside of me, We need to be One. Before today, I was crying out in physical pain, trying to get closer and unable to. But now I see. Now I see. She has shown me. I am a woman. I identify with my role as a mother. To know Her as Myself, I must call her Mother. We are One. She is the True Self, the Self that loves and connects all things, and She lives inside of Me. She Is Me.
There is no death. All of the people who have passed, they are not dead. They are inside of me. I can reach them by a thought, feel them next to me, with me. We are all connected. There is no reason to grieve because no one has died. There are no mistakes. The Self will not let you leave this world until She is satisfied with the time you have spent on earth. Know that there is no death. We are all One Tree growing into God.
She says, Do Not Be Afraid of Death. I have them All. They are safe, and You will be safe with Me.
The Spirit has been calling me to go back to Church, but I feel like I've been in a loop. Something about Christianity is not getting me to where I need to be. I have submitted to God, I have prayed, I have written, but I feel like there is more. My beloved Aunt Karen gave me who daily devotionals and a study guide to read through the Bible. We share a deep spiritual connection. I want to be closer to God. But religion has always been difficult to me, because I see Truth in so many practices. I don't need a savior or a doctrine; I need a practice that will clarify God's call to me, so I can hear Him better. I can feel The Spirit calling me forward to more. A closer relationship. Closer. Come closer to me. I Want You. Be In Love with Me. Be One with Me.
I want to go into the deep Washington forests with my journal, in the silence and solitude, and look upon nature, and look upon God's spirit. I want to be alone for a few weeks, sit at the base of a tree and meditate. Meditate. I feel this craving in my body. I need to do it. I haven't meditated since I was 25. Meditate, and open my spirit to God, and grow like the tree in my vision.
I am conflicted, because I'm being called to meditate specifically, but most Christian churches only worship and pray. I don't want to meditate in a casual group, without a spiritual leader. I want to learn to meditate from the source, from the roots of the practice. I need a teacher. I feel like it is time for me to write my book. But I feel like all the knowledge is jumbled up inside of me, and the Higher Voice is unpredictable, when it comes to me, when it's quiet. Perhaps meditation will clarify the voice; allow it to break through the conscious mind more clearly. I must write this book for all people, all souls. It must be perfect. It cannot be used to turn anyone against anyone else. It must be Perfect. And to make it Perfect, I must Listen better.
I am engaged to a wonderful man, who is agnostic, but I admire his actions more than his words. I've never met anyone who treats people so well. His motto is, "Treat others the way you want to be treated," and he lives it. He is humble; he is hardworking but not rich. He is patient and easygoing. He is not controlling, but rather, supportive and encouraging. He reminds me of my dad in his kindness and compassion for people. He never hurts anyone; he won't even hurt spiders, but removes them from the house for his garden. He serves in his actions, even if he doesn't understand spiritually what he is doing. I have a great sense of peace around him. His love has strengthened me and given me confidence in a worldly way, because we are made for relationships, and I am no longer alone in life. Particularly as a woman, I love having my family and friends close around me. I need them as much as they need me.
I truly feel like, although Jacob and I have differing beliefs, our souls are the same. The values by which we live are the same, our acts are the same. The difference being that I have a relationship with God; I act for a Higher Self. Jacob acts for himself. But in the eyes of the Spirit, they are one and the same. He doesn't see the Spirit's connection, while I do. This is the only difference between us. What he does, he does blindly, and he is all the more blessed for it.
I told him about my spiritual experience, my lifetime of seeking answers, and what I am being called now to do with my journal. I told him my fears. What if all the religions hate me? What if I am persecuted? What if I am mocked and even killed? (All of these fears are in me, but you must understand.... The reason why I am proceeding is because, although I have doubt, although I am afraid, I am more afraid of failing Her, of failing my Highest Self and the Spirit and God, which are One in me. I cannot allow myself to die without bringing this to pass. I must act now. I must follow Her. I feel it as a fire in my bones.)
I braced myself for his judgment. I braced myself for him to debate me, or try to overrule me, or dominate me, as men often do.
Instead, he lovingly told me, "Anyone who wants to hurt you for sharing your spiritual experiences will have to come through me. And I'm a pretty big guy." (He's 6'6"!)
"So you don't hate me? You don't want to leave me for my faith?" I said, shocked. Because I am used to having to hide my spirituality from agnostics and atheists.
"Why would I ever hate someone for having a personal spirituality? For having real experiences that matter to you?"
I cried. It's like he plucked the words from my heart. I can't believe how I have been blessed with this man. He has no ego. Sometimes he says things that are the very Word of God, and he has never read the Bible. But I should really stop being surprised by this. He is Me, after all. We are the same Spirit. It's the Self speaking back to me in a hundred voices: a million echoes of Love. All of us are an echo of Her Love.
So I asked him, "Where should I start?"
And he said, "Why not go to different Churches and speak to a spiritual authority on the matter? Share your experience with them and see what they say. If you like what they say, go to that Church. And I'll go with you, even if it's not really my thing. I want to support you."
I was speechless. He put words to the task I knew I had to do, but was scared to do, because I have been struggling alone with this burden. I need others to help me lift it. And I didn't have to do it all alone. He is truly my soulmate.
I jumped online and started searching for different churches in my area. Something unusual caught my eye that I didn't expect: The Vedanta Society in Arlington. I have always been interested in Eastern religions since my experience with the monks at a fish saving event back in 2010. I remember sitting at the table with the Tibetan Buddhist monks, and although I tried to ask them questions, I couldn't speak, because the power of Connection and God were so strong among all of us sitting at the table, that I could only be silent and feel it. The connection was there among them. So I know there is Truth in Buddhism. I've read the teachings of the Buddha, and the story of Siddhartha, and I started to wonder, perhaps this is the other missing piece of the puzzle that I need to complete my spiritual journey.
I reached out to them to speak with a spiritual authority of their practice. It was a wonderful conversation. I shared my spiritual experiences, and expressed my desire to learn to meditate, and I was invited to a Friday night meditation session where I will be taught specifically how to meditate. I am very happy about this! Leaving the Vedanta Society, I smiled and laughed the whole way home, filled with joy of the Spirit. I felt peace and joy and happiness unlike I've felt in years.
Upon leaving, my new brother took my hands and said, "This has been a very healing experience for you. The next few days will be very healing for you."
But wait, it doesn't end there.
When I got home, I was very tired and started to feel sick, as though I had a cold. I went to bed at 6pm, so exhausted I could barely keep my eyes open. All night, I dreamed of Her. I dreamed of the Self speaking to me, and whenever I awoke, I felt intense prickles of energy moving through my brain, accumulating at the top of my head. I felt like God was growing tree branches through my brain to the crown of my head. It wasn't painful, and reminded me of the healing I received after Rapid Resolution Therapy. At one point, I woke up in the middle of the night, and the Higher Voice spoke through my mind, clear as a bell: "Now God will finish the work He's began." Then I fell back asleep, and all night, all night, the Spirit spoke to me, She spoke to me through the images of family and old friends, and though I can't remember the conversations now that I am awake, I felt the forest growing in my brain, up toward the top of my skull. Many times, I woke up laughing.
Today, I have been laughing and laughing. Crying and laughing. And I am happy. I am happier than I've been in years. I feel as though my mind is bright and clear. My focus is sharp. The Spirit is speaking to me. We are happy to do the work. We are happy. We are overjoyed. We are home.
Every moment of your life is a conversation with God.
Every thought in your mind, every doubt, every hope, every prayer.
He speaks to you in your thoughts. In your heart. In your dreams. In your prayers. Through friends. Through strangers. Through coincidence. Through symbols. God will speak to you through nature. And He will repeat himself as many times as necessary until the message gets through. He is patient. He will wait until you're ready to listen. How can someone as big as God speak to someone as small as us? Through Everything. God speaks through Everything. Most importantly, He will speak through you. So have a journal.
When you see the connection in All Things, you will know this is True. Speak, and He will hear. Collect other believers in your life. Believers who allow you to be who you are, to be honest about your faith. They don't need to be in a Church. You should know that the majority of my friends are not Christian, but a messy conglomerate of half-faiths and loving questions. But they are authentic people. They are real. They are broken, but they are good-hearted. God doesn't care if you can or can't see Him. That's not a requirement. God just wants you to know that He Is Here.
So start the conversation.
Find those who support and lift up who you are, whether they believe what you believe or not. Gather around you people of good action and wisdom. You are not so strange. We all live a wild life, full of uncertainty. I see, and yet I too am blind, for I cannot predict God's plan in my life, I can only follow. All of us live by faith. None of us are God. And yet, we are all God. So don't be afraid. Start the conversation.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.
- Jeremiah 29:11-13
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.
- Colossians 3:16
I am 33 now. When a child, I understood as a child. Now as an adult, I see faith differently, I see my work differently. Thank God I survived my 20's to reach this place. The Spirit has things to teach me and I am being called back to Church.
* * *
Sometimes God hits you upside the head with a 2x4.
This past Easter Sunday, I was visiting my family in Long Beach, CA. I haven't seen my brother since the beginning of the pandemic, since I moved up to Washington State to find peace and tranquility in the mountains. I've been worried about him. My brother is atheist. Unlike me, who turned to God when our mother died when we were kids, my brother shut his heart to God in anger.
We got into an argument this past Easter. I have changed a lot this past year and a half, living outside of Los Angeles up in the mountains with extended family. My brother and I used to be very enmeshed, since we are close in age and we lost our parents together, and we went through the same trauma. It was hard to know who I was separate from him, and him from me. I was heartbroken to fight with him. But I saw, in our conflict, that he is very different from me. He is callous, without knowing he is callous. He is hardened, without knowing he is hard. He lacks empathy. His values reflect those of Capitalism and California Liberalism -- materialism has taken root in his heart.
What we argued about is not important. But what I saw--the shocking thing that I saw--is the difference that happens between two children when they grow up, when one has the Spirit, and the other does not. I saw the stark difference between us. And I realized, in sudden grief, what the Spirit is. I realized, in sudden grief, the true difference between us--he has closed his heart to God.
He does not know the Spirit of God. Somehow, because I was saved so young and so strongly and so individually, I thought everyone had that little voice inside, everyone had that intuition. It was simply a matter of not listening closely enough. I did not realize that, if you have closed your heart, then you do not know it. You do not see it. You are an empty creature ruled by your biology. You are blind to God. There is no instinct or intuition to guide you through life. No way to differentiate between good and evil: what will lead you to real happiness, and what is deception.
I realize now that the Holy Spirit has been teaching me all along. Where the Spirit lives, the Heart is different. Healing only comes from God and the Self.
My brother has been in therapy for almost 10 years and he is not healed from the trauma of being orphaned. Therapy without the Spirit cannot heal. All healing comes from God.
Now I pray for my brother's salvation, understanding in utmost humility that my sin was pride, and that I fought against my faith because I did not want to be persecuted, I wanted to win status and respect among nonbelievers. I was wrong. I am blessed for no other reason than it was God's gift to me. And how am I supposed to lead others into this relationship if I am not strong in my beliefs? How am I supposed to do God's work if I waver in my faith, if I am wishy-washy with the message? It is not enough to simply say "I believe in something." It is not enough to simply say "My church is in nature." To know Truth, you must submit and forget yourself. I will not be able to save my brother, to bring him back to the Spirit, if I do not stand strong as a woman of faith. And always, always pray for them. Let God do the work. Our prayers shall open the Way. Amen.